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I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
Sunday. 1.28.07 7:14 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, I now return from my week of insanity and absence with news of a great leap forward in our battle against the enemies of American culture.

To begin, allow me to say that I can think of few civilian institutions that epitomize my great nation more accurately than Walmart. A monument to true American capitalism, the Walmart supercenter stands tall and proud in its generically-middle-of-nowhere true American neighborhood, offering customers the best products that cheap foreign factory-labor true American industry can offer.

Last summer, while I was working at a summer camp in upstate New York, I went on a staff trip to the local Walmart for rest, relaxation and resupply (you'd be surprised how quickly one can burn through 3 cases of root beer). To this day, I can still recall the feeling of patriotic satisfaction that saturated my heart as I watched our foreign Israeli staff members step into a Walmart for the first time. As they first crossed the threshold of those large automatic doors, and first heard the exuberant "Welcome to Walmart!" salutations of the Walmart greeters, their faces were instantly overcome by glee and laughter (at us, not with us). They even took souvenir photos.

And so, it is my great honor to share with you all some great news which has recently come to my attention. My great national mascot is about to expand the scope of its business beyond the scanty limits of food, electronics, music, entertainment, hair-styling and fast-food-franchising. That's right, Walmart has announced plans to develop its own brand of wine, to be sold at $2 to $5 per bottle.

Ladies and gentlemen, our American cup truly does runeth over.

Thank you, that is all.™

PS: As much as I wish that I had thought of the title "I can't believe its not vinegar!" I'm afraid that credit for that little gem of hilarity goes to this site.

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