welcome to my mind ...

It's a hard decision to make, especially since I still want to be able to contact him whenever I want, but I'm getting sick of him only answering the texts he wants to. And only holding a conversation when he's in the mood to do so. I can tell when he no longer wants to text back and forth. The responses become single word rather than half/whole sentences. I need to just stop. Altogether, stop.

Another thing that's got me irked is the stupid dreams that seem to be plaguing my unconsciousness. The first night was because I was stressed out about the situation and they literally wouldn't allow me to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. The next night, they weren't as bad, but they still stuck out at something that I didn't want to be thinking about. And they've continued. I want them to stop. I don't want to dream anymore.

I want to wake up and know that my mind wasn't active enough during sleep to produce dreams. I don't care that it's caused by the necessary REM cycle. I just don't want them anymore.

I wish I could turn off my emotions; my feelings. Maybe then I wouldn't dream. If I have no emotions, how would my brain form something that's based off emotions. Some people say that your dreams are things your heart wishes for. Okay then, I'm wishing for sick, demented things to happen to people I don't know. Other people say that dreams are caused by something in your life that you're not taking care of. More believable, but still. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of it? It's not exactly a win-win situation I'm involved in right now. Losing someone who means a lot to me? I'm sorry, but if I'm the one who chose to cut this person out of my life, then obviously they didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to me in the first place, true?

I just want to stop dreaming. My dreams aren't allowing me to get efficient sleep. Oh wait, nevermind. I already don't get efficient sleep. So what the fuck is the difference in whether I dream or not. Oh yeah, I remember. Because when I wake up after not dreaming, I'm not thinking immediately about what the dream was about and why I felt the way that I did in the dream and how exactly my mind could have conjured something like that up in the first place. Coming out of a few dreamless hours of sleep is a little less work. A little less involved.

Ugh. I just want to shut all of this off. I want to take a mental break. Everything from thinking about what I have to do for the day to dreams to emotions. Everything. Basically, I want the impossible. Even if I were able to find an off switch, when I came around to having it turned back on, my brain would probably overload with information rushing back to me. All the memories of how to do everything and everything that's happened in the past ... doing something like that would probably have more consequences to pay afterwards than it would to benefit me. It would all just backfire horribly.

I hate how life treats you at times.