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its gotten a hold of me again
Sunday. 9.20.09 6:51 pm
Depression, I mean. The same shit that's had me down for the last couple weeks. Everything seems to be moving at the speed of light or in slow motion. Whenever I want something to happen, it doesn't. Or it takes it's sweet time. Whenever I don't want it to happen, that's when it shows up BAM! right in my face.

I hate that I don't feel like I can control it. I know people will argue that it's all in your head and you have every way of controlling how you feel about something, but really? You don't always. I don't care what some people say, this depression is not always my choice. Getting randomly upset/angry/pissed/annoyed or bothered is not something where I'm like "okay, yeah. I think I'll be upset and cry right now." Or "oh hey, you've done absolutely nothing wrong, but I'm going to be pissed at you anyway." Yeah, not always my choice.

I've been cursing a lot more lately. I don't really know why. It seems every few words that come out of my mouth are foul or derogatory in some way. Surprisingly it's not something that everyone is able to pick up. Even after I pointed it out to a couple of my friends, they didn't notice until I said something after saying another curse word.

I'm at the stage again where I just want to hermit myself away from the cities. Away from people. The sad part is that I'd still take my phone with me. So apparently I don't want to be put into total seclusion. I'm pretty sure I could live without the computer for a while. But my phone? Its a sickness.

Who are you supposed to talk to about something when you have no one to talk to about it? I've already expressed how I feel about a certain situation to a few people and they're sick of hearing about it from me. So now I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Unless I feel like burdening someone else. I don't want to spread the depression. I'd rather just wallow in it ...

Blah. Enough depression for the night. I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired.
4 Comments.


I get depressed every now and then lately too. I think being broke is one of the triggers of depression.

One of the rituals my mother ask me to do is to go for a walk at anytime from 7-9AM on a day with a clear sky. Start by walking uphill to symbolise your current situation and then walk downhill to symbolise that the bad thing is over and thing will be easier after this. It's also good to have a turning on your path because it would symbolise a turning point from the bad to the good. As you turn the corner, say "whatever bad that happened yesterday will not take place again". I haven't tried it because I have some trouble locating a hill within walking distance.
» Nuttz on 2009-09-21 07:42:18

Maybe you should just go all-out on Nutang. Say everything that's on your mind, that's burdening you, or just whatever. I feel like when you write sometimes, you just scratch the surface of your problems to let everyone know what's going on. There's not really that dialog with yourself that gives insight to more than just that there IS a problem. So if you can't find anybody else that you want to turn to, there's always us. I know it's not the same when you're throwing your heart out to complete strangers....but some relief is better than bottling it up and making your feelings of depression worse.

hope you got a good night's sleep
-Muffy
» The-Muffin-Man on 2009-09-21 02:42:05

It's awful when you want to talk about something and all your friends have heard it before. They'll tell you it's okay to talk to them, but you feel like they're actually sick of it but just don't want to tell you to spare your feelings... ugh.

I don't know if that's how you feel, but it's how I feel when I'm facing the same problem. Like Muffy said though, feel free to blog about it...
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» Jaime (79.174.195.80) on 2010-09-01 01:05:21

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