I've been thinking just now, about why I'm okay with where Jake and I are at right now. And I've come to the conclusion that it's because he's choosing to still stay around. He's still here in my life.

If he were to suddenly go, or even warn me that he was going or that he didn't want to be involved in my life anymore, I'd be torn to pieces again. Even moreso than when we broke up because even when we broke up, he said he was still going to be there for me. He was going to be a friend.

I'm also torn right now because I'm letting a dream get to me. I'm trying to figure out what it means, if anything. {I'm still undecided as to whether I believe dreams mean anything or nothing}

I've had two in the last two weeks that both revolve around the same context, the same person, but the events that happened in the two dreams were different. The feeling it gave me was the same, though.

In my dream, I enjoyed being with this person. I liked the feeling of comfort that being around him and having him hold me, gave me. The dreams, in essence, made me feel happy. But when I woke up, my conscious self wasn't sure I liked the comfort my subconscious gave me. I don't feel as if I should like the fact that the dreams made me happy.

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities causing the discomfort. One, I'm unhappy that I'm dreaming about being happy with someone other than Jacob. Or two, I'm unhappy simply because of who the person is that I'm dreaming about.

I guess the unfortunate side effect to allowing this dream to remain known in my conscious self is that I have to face the confused feeling every day. I don't know how to act around him. {yes, I see him on a regular basis} I guess I'm not acting any different, to my knowledge, but who knows what other people see and think.

Perfect example: today, I was told by more than one person that I looked different; that I looked more awake and happy. I didn't think I looked any different than the usual tired that I am. So looks can be interpretted differently depending on the person seeing it.

I asked the guy today what he thought dreams meant. I sort of explained the feeling the dreams gave me and he told me dreams were a sign. That I shouldn't need more than two to prove it's a sign. I doubt he'd still feel the same if he knew the dreams were about him ...

I figure it's better not to act because of dreams... unless you really have nothing to lose.
» randomjunk on 2009-06-01 09:14:46

If I have a song in my head too long it combines with other thoughts and tunes into some sort of fusion monster. Like the other day, when I had William Hung singing a house version of the Pepto-Bismol song stuck in my head.

That was not the greatest of days.
» randomjunk on 2009-06-01 09:31:03

i sometimes have dreamed of snakes. but never see any danger as indicated by my dreams...
» renaye on 2009-06-01 09:51:45

Ooooh....snap.
I didn't realize your dreams were about an actual person until the very last line. It's almost poetic. But hey, if people think you're looking more awake and happy, it's gotta be a good sign, right? And take from it what you will...but didn't your first feelings toward Jake develop with dreams as well?
» The-Muffin-Man on 2009-06-02 01:32:42

I don't know if dreams can be a coincidence but only god knows how our brain actually work. Take it as a good sign if it makes you happier.
» Nuttz on 2009-06-02 04:23:05

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