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Friday. 6.13.08 1:56 pm
There are some days where I want to go out and do something. Other days I want to just stay in my room, away from everything except the confines of the four walls and what it holds within. Today is the latter.

Unfortunately I have to go out. I need to pick up my check and cash it. I also need to go to the store. I don't really want to go by myself; I'm not sure if I'm the right mindset to drive. Then again, if I'm by myself I don't have to worry about making sure my face is composed enough to not bring up inquiring questions as to my mood.

Jake and I stayed up until sometime between 5:30 and 6:00am talking. More was said, discussed. Yet it still doesn't seem finished. I feel almost as if there's something there that simply isn't being said. Something that's being avoided. Whether it be on my part or his, that I'm unsure of. But the unfinished feeling is still there.

Each day that passes gets harder. It's becoming harder to leave him {or see him leave} even when I know exactly when I'll see him again. The pain eats away at me, but no one will ever know that. They only know I'm bothered.

June has always been a hard month for me. I have my father's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary of my dad's death all taking place in the same month. I'm not sure if it's all just in my head or if things actually seem to become harder to deal with in the month of June.

I'm very distracted as of late. I seem to be getting lost in my own mind more often than not, recently. Thinking of one thing usually leads to a whole new tunnel of things which then branch of into more intricate tunnels and eventually ends up in a huge cave where every thought flies around out of control.

I find that I don't run away from my past. I run away from my present; I simply avoid my past. Or try to.

Is it wrong for me to occasionally want something physically traumatic to happen to me?
7 Comments.


Well, it really depends on what you'd consider wrong. If a masochist wants to have his legs broken, it's all a matter of opinion on whether that's wrong or not.

For the purposes of comforting, it's probably not wrong. I mean, plenty of people, when angry at others, wish that something would happen to them so that other people would feel bad.
» randomjunk on 2008-06-13 07:13:41

I've been having a hard week myself.. Everyday I wish I would be left alone yet I would never fail to be worried of my emotionally unstable friend who would do anything. I guess there will always be things which will always be out of our control.
» Nuttz on 2008-06-13 11:53:38

There are time when I don't know what to say to a blog, but I just want the person to know that I'm there anyways. This is one of those times.

I've never lost a loved one, and none of my life experiences could even begin to parallel that. So me saying "I'm sorry" or "hope things cheer up soon" would be a completely superficial message, because there's no way I could really understand the gravity of the circumstances. Instead, I'm just going to tell you that I'm listening. That's all I really can do, sorry :(
» The-Muffin-Man on 2008-06-14 04:42:09

sometimes I feel like you do where I just want to drive off a cliff on the way home. I always decide not to and keep going, but I won't say it never crosses me mind.

I hate how crappy you're feeling :( I'm used to upbeat you. I hope things get better for you soon!
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