I broke down last night. I couldn't take holding it in any more; I just had to talk to him. So I woke him up and told him about how I was feeling. We talked for what was probably close to an hour, if not more. It only felt like a few minutes.

Some of the answers I was half expecting, others I wasn't.

I said all I could think of to say, yet it doesn't feel like I'm done. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to talk to him again like I did last night.

I can only hope I figure out what it is I need to say and I hope it happens soon so it doesn't eat me alive, as it was doing before.

There are still issues and they aren't going to go away. Not for a while, at least.

I've decided that now I've said something, I'm going to have him {if he wants to; I won't force him} read through some of the blogs that I wrote while I was still trying to organize my thoughts into something more rational so that I could vocalize them easier. He answered some of my questions; only the ones I asked. There are more in the blogs. Maybe that's why this feels unfinished.

My stomach is still upset. Food is still the last thing on my mind, but I have been eating so that people will leave me alone about not eating anything. Although, no one knew I hadn't eaten in 3 days until I said something. The people I told, that know me, didn't react very strongly. They know food is not a big thing on my daily to-do list.

Writing these things down helps, but only to a fine point. Writing my thoughts down can only do so much before it just doesn't help at all. By not talking to anyone, it eats away at my insides. Something I've noticed, though. My ever-present headaches don't seem to be worsening as they used to when I was stressed out. Instead it's my stomach that is being overtaken by my heightening stress levels.

It's not an ulcer; drinking milk would make me feel better if it were. Does depression affect my physical attributes too? And not just my mental state? I'm sure it does because it's the mental that controls the physical.

I hate admitting that I need help, but when I do accept someone's help, at least most of the time, I feel like I'm taking advantage. Like I'm using the person. I admitted to Jake last night that I need help. I really hope I don't end up feeling like I'm using him ...

I have so much more to write, but I'm having trouble organizing my thought enough to get them out.

Perhaps that's why our talk feels unfinished.

i'm the same way sometimes. writing only helps to a certain extent but it doesn't offer much feedback or reassurance that i'm not crazy...it is possible for depression to make you physically sick..i know it does me, and how exactly it does changes with each low. if you ever need anything (advice or just someone you don't see everyday to talk to or listen) i'm generally here.)
» invisibleinkling on 2008-06-05 02:10:08

Thank you for your generosity
When I saw that I already had 8 comments, I nearly fell out of my chair. Heh.

Thanks! The last two exams didn't give me as much trouble as I thought they would, and that's what I was most worried about. :D

I kind of had one of those moments yesterday, where some things come out and you don't know what will happen next.
» middaymoon on 2008-06-05 03:39:44

Well, I know depression can make you tired at least. Dunno what else.

It's good to get your feelings out...
» randomjunk on 2008-06-05 06:26:10

I'm glad you were you were able to get out what you needed to. I'm sure that was a big stress reliever.
» lazypuppy on 2008-06-05 06:41:47

not stupid economy. it's stupid decision-makers.
» renaye on 2008-06-05 10:11:12

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