welcome to my mind ...

These are just some random thoughts that are going through my mind right now. I don't expect them to make any sense. You don't have to read if you don't want to nor do you have to comment. I would make this private, but no one that I know {aside from maybe my sister} actually read this.

I wouldn't say that I fell in love with him, nor would I even use the word "love," but the feeling that I had for him was stronger than just a simple crush. I don't cry about it anymore; mainly because I can't cry. I have no privacy here. I can't even go outside; the doors chime when you open them and the garage door makes too much noise. He's on my mind every day. Though, due to the time we've been apart, he's not the main focus anymore.

I still get upset when I go a day or night without talking to him, but its to be expected now, especially with him working 10+ hours a day. I can't listen to certain songs because they make me think of him. And there's one movie that I love, but can't watch because its the one movie we went out to the theater to see together. It would make more sense if we had been a couple, if we had been legitimately together, but we weren't so this doesn't make a lot of sense to me, nor would it make sense to anyone else.

A very, very small part of me wants him to go into the service already just so that I know he's unavailable to talk. So that I don't think that he's ignoring me when he doesn't answer a text. But when he finally does go in, I'm pretty sure that'll be the last time I'll hear from him. I certainly hope it doesn't end up that way, but there's a part of me that's afraid it will.

Its getting to the point where I'm refering to it as "pathetic" when I talk about it to Tiff. I'm pathetically hopeless.

Another thing that's bothering me right now is the one out here. Its been 5 years since I've seen him and I haven't yet talked to him outside of myspace messages. I don't even remember what his voice sounds like. He told me that he would love to hang out and that he'd call me when he got back from his camping trip. Part of me is afraid that he won't call. I really want to see him again, but I'm afraid it'll ... I dunno ... go all wrong? I'm not sure what the right words would be. I'm hopeful, but afraid and cautious at the same time.

I know that I'm sounding incredibly repetative {to those few who actually keep up with my blog} with all this, but its still bothering me. And since I'm sort of limited on being able to show my feelings outwardly, I have to resort to this.

I guess that's it for now. Oh, I did some backtracking on my blogs, just for fun, and I do believe I found one of the longest blog entries, ever. It has no breaks and I can't even imagine how long it took me to write out the whole thing. It even beats out etheracide's long entries, by far. Its on the 77th page {last I checked} and the title is "And so it begins ..." The password is lost; I don't really want you to read them, hence the password protection, but I want you to see just how incredibly long it is. Read if you must, but just rememer, those were from over 2 years ago and I was dealing with a bad breakup with my ex.

And with that, I end this entry here.

Oh now it's on! On my next day off I am writing the War & Peace of blog entries!! But thanks for the mention haha

I would tell you to pursue the one out there. Atleast you'll actually know whether or not things would go all wrong. I like to live without regrets and I believe that you'd regret, much more, the not knowing how it would go than knowing. If things did happen to go awry, at least you have the odd comfort of KNOWING that that is what would happen.

» etheracide on 2007-08-09 11:21:40

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» Emery (121.8.142.60) on 2010-09-02 03:00:53

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