After dealing with the food poisoning on Monday, I was congested and sneezing like crazy until Thursday. By Friday it was as if nothing was ever wrong. I don't know what the hell is up with my system, but I'm glad it's finally settled.

My mind, however, not so much. I woke up early this morning from a dream that made me want to stay in bed for weeks. I wanted to cancel every plan I've made, quit my job, and hide from the world. In reality, I worked to get my mind to shut off the illogical urge to quit life, and forced myself to go back to sleep in hopes that it would at least get me level enough to continue putting on the charade that I go through whenever I'm around people. Very few have seen me break down. I like to keep it that way.

Normally my face just shows that I'm pissed. I have what's called resting bitch face. I aim for neutral, but I just look moody all the time. A few people don't believe me when I tell them I have chronic depression and anxiety; they look shocked, like I've just told them I invented some kind of new machine that reads minds. "No, that's not right. You're too happy for that."

A few people, who likely also experience some kind of mental illness, can see past it. They're the ones who ask me if I'm okay when they can see the sadness behind my eyes. They're the ones who know that I'm just trying to avoid talking about it when I say "sure, I'm fine, just tired." But they understand enough to just let it go. That I'll come around in time.

An even fewer amount of people have been there for me in ways that I feel burdened upon them, but am forever indebted to. They're the ones who see the full breakdown, and stay until they know that I can manage on my own. They stay even when I've calmed down. They stay even when I don't want them to stay, but at the same time never wanting them to leave.

And yet, here I sit, alone in front of my computer, typing away while the tears are silently streaming down my cheeks, because I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Of course, by the time I see my therapist on Friday, my mind will have settled, I'll be sleeping better, and things will feel more right.

Sounds like a really awful dream... I hope you're feeling better today, even if it's just a little. :T
» randomjunk on 2017-01-30 01:36:48

Being sad sucks
I'm glad you have a therapist & those special few who you let see you cry. I'm happy you have someone to make sure you're okay. =) I too turn to NuTang instead of people in my life. I don't allow anyone to see me break though. I think you are brave to. I hope you don't have insomnia like I do! It makes functioning even harder. =P I'm glad most of all, that terrible dream was JUST A DREAM. It goes away in a poof of make believe. Your reality is Resting Bitch Face that you can use to scare people!!! It is a great power. Use it wisely!
» Silver-dot- on 2017-02-03 02:49:21

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