welcome to my mind ...

She was lonely, and bored, searching through a bunch of faces, swiping mostly left. There were a few here and there that she would swipe right on. Several of these faces had additional photos at the bottom, attached to a separate account, filled with even more photos. After another week or so, she decided that she was too bored with swiping left or right, so she deleted that account, but there was a few of these additional accounts that she would still look through occasionally.

Finally, one day, she decided to be brave enough to like a couple of these photos on one of the accounts, expecting nothing in return, since there'd been a distinct lack of reciprocation from other such gestures. Instead, she got far more reciprocation than anticipated. It caught her off guard, so she reached out, to say thank you.

It turned in to a small back and forth conversation, which then turned to an exchange of phone numbers, and became a daily thing. She got excited about it, and thought, oh, maybe this could go somewhere good! Little did she know, it wouldn't go how she wanted.

She was too giddy about this, but he was so nice! And attentive! He seemed to be okay with the fact that she was so open about things, how she felt, what she thought. The two of them had several things in common; one of her favorite little things that she discovered was that they both hated some of the same foods. It would make dinner dates much easier.

She allowed her mind to wander off to places that it shouldn't. Conversations were about anything and everything. He wasn't really too open on talking about specifics in his personal life, but she felt like that would come with time. Maybe he was just shy? She let it go, and would revisit later.

They met face to face a week after starting up a conversation, and he was even better in person! His voice was so soothing to listen to, he was funny, he made her smile just by being present. Good things are going to come from this, she thought. The fact that the conversation continued even after meeting up, seemed even more promising. It continued even a week later, a month later, but at this point, things were starting to turn.

He became evasive. Suddenly he was always too busy to make time to get together again, but maybe. He would bring up the possibility, then remember this thing he had to do. Or it was blamed on other factors, roommates, friends, activities that were suddenly at the forefront of memory. She thought, okay, maybe he's just busy now. But he seemed really interested in hanging out again, so if she keeps in touch, it'll happen, right? Yeah, it'll happen.

Another month, and still nothing. She got tired of feeling avoided so she voiced her frustrations. She could have handled things differently, sure, but she's rash, abrasive. In the moment, do now, think later. She did warn him that she wasn't nice. She would apologize after every time she snapped. But it got worse.

He just kept egging her on. Eventually he would stop suggesting they hang out, the conversations from the beginning would change. He would no longer talk about her, but about a third party. It was no longer "you" or "we," but rather "them" or "they."

Instead of letting go, she just kept on it. Pushing harder and harder, only making things worse for both of them.

She finally snapped. She lashed out one final time, in an overly abrasive, verbally violent way. And she knew, she knew she was pushing too far, but she didn't care any more. When she finally pushed it one text too far, and he vanished, she hated herself. She hated that she'd gone too far. She questioned why she couldn't learn, why she couldn't have just let it go when she first realized that it wasn't going to become a relationship, or even a friendship. She sent an apology text, and left a tear-filled voicemail saying sorry, and left it alone.

If he wanted to keep talking to her, he would reach out, right? That's what everyone reassured her, despite the fact that all of her friends, at this point, were questioning why she hadn't just let it go. She enjoyed talking to him, she'd say. He was just busy, he'll come around and want to hang out again. But not after that. She at least felt a little better about finally getting it all out of her system, but not about how she'd handled it.

He did finally text back, after a couple days, but it was different. Suddenly there was talk about why he should bother keeping in touch. She tried pathetically to plead her case, but it still kept coming up.

Her friends started to question her reasoning to keep in touch with him even more. He was belittling her, manipulating her, controlling her. But she couldn't just let go. "Just drop him, stop responding." No, she'd say. She hated when people did that to her, so she wasn't going to do that to him. In her mind, she knew that he'd hate her, and that bothered her more than knowing the things that he was saying to her weren't right.

During the most recent month, however, her mind started to change. She realized she wasn't as upset about the fact that there was no chance of seeing him again. She'd not get as frustrated when the conversation would turn to questioning her judgments. Of course, the things he was saying would still get to her, but she'd stop it before it consumed her, and she snapped again.

She learned that they seem to be the only two people who still want to talk to the other; all of his friends think that he should have dropped her a long time ago as well. With this knowledge, she laughed. She got more amusement out of it than she should have, since she suddenly realized she wasn't alone. She has no idea what his train of thought is, but maybe it's closer to her's than she realizes.

She has a plan, it needs to stop. She needs to stop, and she will. It'll suck for a while, but she'll at least do it the right way. She's not going to just disappear, and stop responding. Despite how her friends think and feel toward the situation, she's going to go about it the right way. Or, at least, the nice way. Rather than just disappearing, she'll make sure he knows that she's going to stop.

She can't keep doing this to herself. It's not healthy. She deserves better, someone that will actually want to be around her, will look past her flaws and still think that she's the best thing that's ever happened to them.

And she needs to disconnect from him in order to find herself again. Perhaps one day they can be friends, but today... today she needs to disconnect.