welcome to my mind ...

Because I can, goddammit.

I finally was able to fall back to sleep sometime between 4:30 and 5. I slept until 8:30 and gave up trying to fall back to sleep around 9. I threw in my laundry and got set up at the computer, knowing full well it would be my closest friend today. Halfway through my clothes being in the dryer, still angry with myself for how things had transpired in my mind during my awake time in the middle of the night, and being tired from not sleeping well, I decided that a nap was going to be necessary after the clothes had finished drying and been put away.

I completed said task and laid down. After about 10 minutes of still nothing, I felt that a nap was no longer going to suffice and would only make things worse. Instead, I got up, got dressed and headed to work knowing that the fitness center would be empty. It wasn't, but the one person in there wasn't anyone I ever cared to converse with so I shoved the buds in my ears, turned Pandora up as loud as the phone would allow me {it gave me a bullshit warning about turning the volume up too loud} and set the pace on the treadmill. The guy in there, a higher up prick who I've yet to see even crack one smile in the 4 years I've known him, was bouncing along on the elliptical and kept giving me side glances.

I knew he recognized me, but he'd only ever seen me in my security uniform and today was not the day for me to identify myself as the person no longer required to wear such an uncomfortable ensemble and make small talk about "how different you look without it!" or "so you ARE a girl under there!" Fuck off jerks. I know I look different. You could just say something nice and complimentary instead of sarcastic jokes.

Anywho, I digress. So here I am on the treadmill, music blasting in my ears, finally breaking up some of the pent up crap weighing on my mind. After about 20 minutes of chugging away at a 1.5 incline going at a speed higher than I normally go {I think it was 4.3 or 4.5, when I'm normally sitting right around 3.9 - 4.1} I start to get quite sweaty and I can see my tone changing colors in the reflection on the black, blank screen of the TV. It's at this point I would really like to slow down, but that would mean Mr. side-glancing prick would have the opportunity to make some kind of remark, except he hops off the machine and heads out. I wait about 5 seconds before hitting the cool down button on the panel and work on regulating my breathing and heart rate back to normal.

I get back to my car, roll down the windows, take a few big gulps of the water I had, turned up the radio, not giving a fuck who would hear the shitty music that plays on the radio, and headed back home. Halfway through my shower, I finally started to feel a bit more refreshed. A few hours later, all the adrenaline that had built up was wearing down and I decided to nap anyway. Mistake? Yeah. It was no more of a good idea after the jog than it was prior.

I had a fantastically pleasant dream that I would love to have happen to me in real life. Does that ever work with dreams? 99% of the time, definitely not. Whatever.

I'm clearly still agitated, but I'm not sure what else could happen that would ease my mind right now. I suppose, if I'm still awake in the middle of the night, I could just get in the car and drive to Canada. It's not like I have to be at work until Monday morning and I don't have any other plans for tomorrow.

We'll see how I feel. I guess you'll find out in a couple days what happened.