feeling: ill...
listening to: me playing "Eyes On Me" - FFVIII

Hey all ^_^ hope you guys have been well =3

Ahhh... thank you for all the comments, especially the 'where are you, why haven't you updated' ones they really make me feel special <333 =DDD Sooo... this will be a looong entry =3 about what's been going on in my life in the past month and a bit ._.;; so *beware* xD I'm only giving one warning, so if you're afraid of reading long entries, back away... now! ^_^

Okies well, first thing's first: I've broken up with my boyfriend =3 well, actually, I broke up with him last month on the 20th Feb. =3 Surprises you guys, huh? ^^;; Well... yeah... reasons? So many... too many to name. I actually thought up 18 reasons to break up with him, and the only reason to stay with him was because I'd feel bad for leaving him... so yeah... =3

I won't go into detail about it, especially not in a non-private entry online =3 maybe I'll write a private entry and show you guys some time, but until then~~~ =3 I'll let you guys know, I did actually love him at one point... but my love eventually faded. It surprised me that people can fall out of love, I never thought it could happen, but I understand, it really can...

The main reasons for breaking up with him... well, 1) He never made an effort to see me. Okay, maybe not *never*, but like... 3 times in a *month*? Especially the first month of a relationship? Is it just me, or is that not enough? ¬_¬;; Basically, I'd bug my parents like mad - to the extent that they got *pissed off at me* - asking them to send me on campus to meet up with him... and when I realized the amount of effort *I* put in to see him, compared with the little effort that he put in to see me, I began to feel very unloved.

I always went to *his* bible study group even though I barely understood Cantonese, but I went there, just to see him. (There're 2 Chinese bible study groups - Cantonese and Mandarin, except the Cantonese one is technically called "fellowship", so I'll call it that from now on =3) However, when it came to him coming to the Mandarin one, that was a no-no... I did put in hints, asking him to come to see me and stuff but he never took them.

But honestly, should a guy, who is your boyfriend *need* to be hinted to see his girlfriend?! I even told him straight out once, that I was disappointed that he never came to see me etc. This was on the Friday before my sister's birthday. Another friend of ours, David aka my 'big brother' was coming to my church that Sunday to wish my sis a happy bday, and he'd even bought her a gift! Yet Him wasn't even willing to come to my church just to say hi. He looked so torn, and like he really didn't want to go, that I told him it was fine and I didn't mind him not coming, but any good boyfriend should have made an effort anyways. Especially on a *birthday*.

I later found out that he thought it was more important to go to his fellowship and a church that he found better as he felt that if he got fed better spiritually God would let me stay with him, he forgot the importance of spending time with me. I don't feel that excuses him for the hurt I felt though. My heart wasn't broken, it was a gradual process, and I got over him.

He completely took me for granted... He wrote in a letter after our break up that he "had always thought of me as being his future wife and therefore didn't feel he needed to make an effort"... surely if one wants a girl to be his wife he should make more effort...???

Anyways... 2nd reason is that... well, because of all this me-making-effort-to-see-him-and-him-never-coming-to-see-me-back I felt thoroughly unloved... and even on Valentine's day, he chose bible study over me... fair enough he wants to put God first, and I found out later that he was leading the bible study and it was a 'Satisfied' (big week event thingy on campus) one, surely he should at least invite me to it?

The original plan, however, was I was going to go on campus from 2-5 (since it was the only time he was free) to see him and he was going to cook me a meal, but I had to babysit that day... so I couldn't make it during day time. As it goes, that was the final straw... I spent the day in a state of numbness, and come evening, I'd never felt so unloved by a guy in my life.

If the guy claimed to love me, he sure had a funny way of showing it… Fair enough if I was *single* and was spending the day alone, but when I had a boyfriend and I was *still* spending the day alone??? Besides... I could have gone out with other friends if I was still single... and I realized how annoyed I was. That day, I text him at midnight, wishing him a happy Valentine's Day, I wished it him again on MSN, then sent him a Valentine's day "gift" on Facebook. I only received a text back. And later on him saying 'thank you for all the wishes, it really made me feel special' on MSN.

I never even received a gift on Facebook. I never got to see him, never got to spend time with the guy who was supposed to be my boyfriend, and only got one wish for a happy V-Day, and he'd just accepted all my love and never gave any back. On that day, I'd started to realize how much he didn't deserve me after all...

After all of that, I fell out of love with him...

Ah, and the last reason. I went to London the day after, to visit my best friend Tim and meet up with Lucy and Jay for a little DTC reunion, and there, I felt so loved... I really did. I felt what it should feel like to feel loved and I'd realized exactly how much I'd been taken for granted and looking at how Tim's friends treated their girlfriends made me realize how... un-girlfriend-like I was actually being treated...

So when I got back, it was a Saturday, I was absolutely knackered due to lack of sleep, but it was Chinese New Year, and also rather late... and by then, I guess it was just a matter of time before I broke up with Him? Yet that night, he asked me face-to-face if he ever beat me up, would I please still stay with him...

No you didn't read wrong. Basically he'd text me before asking if he ever took out his temper on me would I please give him a second chance? This was because his mother had warned him that a friend of theirs' girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend because the boyfriend had a nasty temper... and he was worried that I'd leave him because his temper is sometimes not the best...

So I text him back saying "haha well if you ever hit me I might give you a second chance, but if you ever *beat me up* I doubt you'd even want one" and when he saw me again, he brought that up again... considering how it was a CNY party at the Mandarin Bible Study Group and my daddy was standing within 3 feet of us, I was like '...' He asked me basically what he asked in his text... and I replied basically the same. And this time, he asked '...can I still have a second chance?. after I made the 'beat me up' comment. I was like '...are you serious?...'

...Yes... anyways, apart from that, nothing much else has been going on. I'm still trying to catch up with work and failing... oh yes, today, I was so ill/tired I came home and slept from 1-6pm... I had a raging headache but still wanted to go to school, couldn't afford to miss last pieces of maths, but I *really* wasn't going to be able to handle doing *further maths* in the afternoon too...

Aside from that, I'm also months behind in work... gosh... wish me luck >_<;;

Oh yeahhh... I never said anything about the London trip, did I? ^^;; It was *amazing*... SOOO much fun <333 ^_^ With wonderful memories =D I must say one of the best parts were the lot of us snuggled up in Timmy's bed watching movies. =] I saw "The Prestige"... it was a lot different than I'd thought it'd be... it was alright, I guess, but some of it freaked me out >_<

I might go into more detail about the trip later maybe =P Anyways! Aside from that, I cut my hair =D Haha… there's a new photo of me in the gallery, but you can't really see it that well ^^;; And yes, *I* cut my hair xD I'd wanted it cut for ages, it was annoying me, so since it was irking me SO badly, and the salon needed bookings, and mummy was busy, I went to the bathroom, got a couple of mirrors and went snip-snip =]

It's not actually that bad, I don't think =P

Oooh, and I recorded myself playing Eyes on Me yesterday… if you'd like to watch it:

^_^ If you wanna comment on youtube the link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iECbX3ssars =]

And now I reaaaally gotta go… goodnight everyone <333

Plugs to the beautiful: randomjunk, Zurie, Katrina-nee, Dotty, Nuttz, Sylphie, Richard, kKAMa67, MsFit, Dilated, Cammie, razzly, iki-chan

<3333333333333

L8r,