Two steps foward, one step back.

That might as well be the tag line for this year.

It seems like every time something starts to go even slightly in the way that i'd like it to; some other part of my life drops from the sky like an anchor and i'm back at square one.

I'm tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. I don't know if it's all me or if i'm being crazy or if i'm totally normal or what.... But there's just no reason that I should be feeling all of these things at the same time. I'm weary. I'm bruised. I feel so lonely. I feel akward when I shouldn't. I feel shame and guilt. I feel less than. I feel old. I feel left out. I'm suspicious. I'm jealous. I'm angry and i'm sad. All of this tide with confusion and some small sense of accomplisment and happiness sprinkled in there makes for a VERY emotionally confused woman.

Woman. Do I feel like a woman? Not a girl or a lady, but a woman? In all the ways that that word could mean? No. I don't. I haven't. That's a word that I want to own. That I want to be.

I'm at school right now. I'm happy being at school. Doing something. I'll be going back to University in the summer and then in the Fall. I hope to graduate in May. That's also when my friend Erich gets married. It'll be an eventful year. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for it all. I'm ready to help and be helped. I'm ready to jump in head first. I'm ready for school and for the people there and for everything else. I just wish I had done this right. I wish I had done this differently. I feel as if I missed out. I missed something, and it's nothing that I can ever get back. I don't plan on missing anything else ever again.

I'm ready for life. For it's difficulties and it's hardships. For it's miracles and it's forgiveness. I'm ready for the happy times and the horrible times.

I hope it's prepared for me.

I feel all those things, too. :/

I'm not a woman yet, myself.
But I'm not a girl.


"I'm not a giiiiiiirrrrrrrl, not yet a womannnn... all I neeed is time, a moment that is miiine, while I'm in between..."
» Zanzibar on 2010-02-09 09:21:03

Life better be ready for you.
» Mockiller on 2010-02-10 12:02:34

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