Helena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I'm at work so this won't be exactly what I want it to be. But, still.

I don't know what the hell i'm doing.

There are things I want to do and alot of it will happen after summer. Well, not all of it. I'm going to take a class at TCC (community college) this summer. I need to go and enroll and do everything I need to come to think of it. It'll also have to be this month....*sigh*. There's that procrastination biting me again. In any case, Yes. School. I want in. Hopefully University will start again in the fall. The only thing standing between me and a degree + a classroom is 6000 dollars. Oh, how I hate money.....

I also talked to my parents. This is always a plus AND a negative. I just don't know what to tell them anymore. I told mom I won't be going back in May, which is what they've been pushing for. She seemed uneasy about it - but understands. Eddie will be going home for who knows how long. He's a good kid, and I know all the why's and how's but i wonder how he came to that decision and if he'll actually be happy. My cousin's kidney's are failing. I'm actually close to him. I think about him all the time and his family has already gone through alot recently. His kidney's are currently operating at about 5%. My dad said it was high blood pressure, but I know that drinking has alot more to do with it than he's letting on. He's going on the transplat list - but there's no telling what'll happen. My great aunt also passed away. A little family drama there as I wasn't informed of it until after the funeral. I was deemed unimportant to be informed. So, though it's nice to hear my parents voice - the phoen calls are now always doom and gloom. You have to do this. You owe money here. Why are you there? Just come home. Why don't you call? Your brother is screwing up. The list just goes on and on. I don't answer most times because when they call it's hardly ever good times. And if it is, it's only because we're both conciosuly making an effort not to talk about these things. It's frustrating. Why would I want to go back to that? To hiding and secrecy and not talking things out and social contracts?

Work is going well. Well...for what it is. Right now i'm part time and under at 1000 hour rule. Can't work over 20 hours a week which makes my somewhat decent pay void. But, I like my job. My co-workes. And it always seems like just around the corner if I just wait long enough - this job is going to pan out. Especially if all the rumors about sodexho are true. Which, supposedly they are since Josh is the one telling them. He's one of the upper echilon guys so he'd be one of the ones to know. *sigh*

Home.
I like the apt. Last night there was a short storm. My roommate was working on a report and we were watching buffy eating a dinner that i had made. I got up and walked out onto the balcony. Just stood there, looking. And I thought "I'm happy." I mean, obviously, there's room for improvement, but I've felt myself sliding into a more contended place. Though it's a limited feeling. I think it's more inside of myself for me and with me than in my current general placement in life. Through conversations i've had, prayers i've prayed, thoughts' i've thought and things that i've seen - i've come to feel more comfortable with myself than I think I ever have before.

As for my placement in life?
well, there's more than room for improvement. But it's surrounded by confusion, longing, apprehensiveness, and a spoonful of fear of the unknown. BUT! I've decided to actually start working on myself in this respect. To actually let go and let GOD. No more OMLWSWD moments. And I think I know what it's going to take. I'm not gonna lie, it's scary and it's out of my area of comfort - but perhaps that's the whole point of this. But, I'm going to go back to church. Get into a small group, if there's any. It's the only way to accomplish this. I thought it the other day, and I know it came from God, but the reason that everything in my life has been tripping up is because i've been trying to get back to Him. Something doesn't want me to. Something wants to keep me down. The only reason that happens, is if i'm destended to do great things. So, why not fufill it? Volunteering at the Wesley Center has shown me a couple of things that I otherwise would have never known. All of this has to be leading somewhere doesn't it?

And this is just ME!
How my best friend has been able to keep the shreds of sanity he has left is beyond me. If he wasn't so strong I don't know if he'd be in the place that he is now. Anyone else I could see jumping head first into a deep dark bad place and going red kryptonite on people. I don't know if I could be doing what he's doing. I don't know if very many could. *sigh* I'm trying to help and be there for him...but once again I don't know what i'm doing and sometimes I feel that I hinder more than help. It's my fault though. I've let feelings and hurts get in the way. Which, albiet isn't 100% my fault, but I could be doing better with those feelings. I think part of it is that I'm not talking about it and so it festers. But, at the end of the day I have no one to talk about it with, so I continue and try to work it alone. Though at times that doesn't leave me with the best decisions. I guess in the big picture it's a smallish thing. There are much bigger things happening right now. MUCH bigger things. In fact, I feel bad writing that down at all....which leads to me not talking about it. It's a cycle. Perhaps it's all in the perspective. I think I need contacts. Maybe glasses are inhibit too much of my field of vision. Well, I know what it is that I want, and if things work in a year, or two or five then it'll be just as ok then as it is now. I think it's just pressure. It feels like everyone is getting married and I feel so behind. I don't think it helps that my birthday is approaching. Maybe I'm just starting to feel old.

I don't know if I said much, or what I was going to say - but a crowd is coming in and I have to go.