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Wednesday. 5.9.07 7:40 pm
I'm registered for Summer School. 16 hours in total. My fall semester is lacking at least 1 class which needs to be approved by the library science advisors. I'm excited about it. A little worried - but excited nonetheless. I also need to get on that financial aid stuff in a BIG way.

This year has been tough. It's not looking to get any easier anytime soon. Not only has it been this lets-hit-you-in-the-face-with-a-fryin-pan-but-kick-the-life-out-of-you-while-you're-down-as-well type of year, but we're only 5 months into it. Heck, my lot isn't even that bad. There are people who exist in this world that are stronger than anyone will ever give them credit for. It boggles my mind, as to how blind some people can be. How they can see things that are right in front of them yet never realize it simply because they dont want to, don't take the time to, or are offended by what it could possibl mean. This year doesn't make much sense to me. I try to get it to make sense....I try and I try, yet it slips from my hand like fine sand. I mean, I know it's sand, I can touch it - feel it - in some cases smell it, if I wantd to - even taste it....but if I try to get any closer to it, it sifts throgh my fingers and is carried away in the wind. (much like Sandman was in Spiderman 3)

Why is it that this happens? Why does it occur? This bad karma/luck/circumstances? Oh, I have my theories - my simple observations. I have heard speakers, read books, and listened to stories of people's lives that try to explain why stuff like this happens. But, in most cases those are the after effects of what happened. The looking back and considering that since a good thing came out of a bad thing - that the bad thing has now become good. But, does a good end result cause the negative precursers to somehow magically transform into positive events? An end to justiy the means? Is this consistent with every situation? Why on some and not on others then? I have *always* believed that the world NEEDS bad or "evil" in order for there to be good. But, if the "evil" is *needed* is it still bad? Wouldn't it in effect be sustaining "good" as an entity? So...in that case what is good? what is bad? why is it needed? Is it needed at all? Is it nothing more than our catalyst in life? Is it possible that we don't move - don't think - aren't capable of anything until we are provoked? That we perhaps NEED this catalyst in our lives to begin momentum? But, then one must wonder what we are being moved towards. Will we ever know what it is we're aimed at? If we don't like where we're headed is it possible to change? I realize that it's POSSIBLE to change - but are we ALLOWED? It spins me about alright, It's complicated as anything nd the more I dig into it - the more I realize I'm going in circles. However - I'm also finding that by going in circles you find the center of gravity (even if you don't get it). You'll feel pulled towards it sooner or later.

In other news (some which will make FAR more sense) I returned my guinea pig. She was too expensive and had anyone found her in here I would have been evicted. I didn't want to - but I knew it was right. There's a guinea pig in my future, I know it. Just, not now.

There are things I need to work on this year. Self improvement and what-not. I want to try and read for my own pleasure a little bit. I doubt it'll be anything too in depth but the last book I read was "watership down" and I'm ready for more words to cross my path. I also want to get active. Walk, run, tennis, swimming... something. I actually lost weight this past semester at home and I'd like to keep it gone. Perhaps lose more if at all possible. I also need to get out and try to make friends. I don't do clubs much but there's got to be SOME sort of activity that I can join to drag myself out of this hermit crab shell. Find some things to talk about. Not let others carry the conversation so much - which of course I'm used to because most if not all my friends back home are such strong personality types. Ive grown used to and comfortable in the back just watching everything go on. An inrested observer if you will. This will be the hardest part for me. Small chit-chat is alright but it'll only get you so far. I want friendships. That takes alot more.

Another concept I'm getting used to. The idea of getting your hands dirty in relationships, of actually helping and giving worthy advice or criticism. One of my best friends said something in passing the other day. He had no idea what he said but it really made me stop and think. He said "You always accept me for who I am and what i've done or are about to do. I don't think there's ever been a time when I've gone to you for advice and you've given me a direct yes or no. You always say it's my choice and that you'd be there if I needed you". I don't know why it hurt - it just did. I guess I realized that I haven't been giving my whole honest opinon to my friends. If you can't be completely honest with your friends (even the hurtful honest, which in the end is usually best) then who can you be honest with? Heck, you're not even being honest to yourself in that particular situation. So, that's another thing that needs improvement.

I think that's it for now......

yep.
5 Comments.


I made a new friend toda--.. Okay, not really. I had a pretty good convo today with a stranger. I advise to just... put yourself out there and talk to someone. I dunno.

Guinea Pigs are dumb. You can't even make pepperoni out of them.

Hm... I try to be honest with some friends... but there are others who are really delicate, 'ya know? I guess everyone has a guage they use to determine just how roughly honest they can be.
» Dilated on 2007-05-09 08:20:12

Yeah. Don't you just HATE those DELICATE friends...
» elessar257 on 2007-05-09 09:37:02

wow, that's a lot of hours for summer, eh? But it'll be great. My mum is a librarian. If you wanted to be a librarian she would have a lot of good advice to send you on your way. Yeah, you've had a lot of bum luck recently, but I'm certain the tide is turning. I like those first couple of paragraphs btw- I like the way you think. I like the way you grapple with life. Doesn't Socrates say something about how the unexamined life is not worth living?

Maybe your dad has begun to do a little examining-about the way he relates to you- perhaps the combination of your talk with him and his recent sickness. He'll probably still slip into his old habits but at least now he's aware of the habits so he can start trying to change them. perhaps.
It kind of seems like what your friend said was a compliment, though. Sometimes friends ask each other for advice but what they really want is just somebody who is there and who will listen to them. I don't think it reflects poorly on you. But I'm sort of notoriously bad for not making any judgments, either (in real life, anyway).

Anyway, once again my comment is getting reallllly loooong.


» Zanzibar on 2007-05-09 09:57:25

Karma
It is NOT bad karma... As buddah once said," all that we are is the result of what we have thought." So, change your thinking to attract positive things to come your way... that IS how you found nutang afterall.... isn't it??
» kkama67 on 2007-05-09 10:15:59

I'd be quite pleased with her thinking it resembled this.

Unfortunately this is simply how she writes.

Her writing doesn't show her true unadulterated thoughts for what they really are.
» elessar257 on 2007-05-10 12:50:08

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