to say.

I've made a decison. Multiple ones in fact, but I'm only going to disucss one.

School.
I used to be fairly decent in it. Honestly.
Now.....
not so much.

Ok, so I've screwed up. I'm currently on probation and the threat of a full out suspension hovers over me like a little black rain cloud ready to unleash a REALLY powerful storm.

I accept that I have dug this hole and must now lie in it. It will not be easy, and things will get incredibly tight financially around here. I can handle it. I'm not worried about myself in the slightest. I can carry my own weight and don't fear failure.

Then, there's my family. Ok, so they've paid for my entire education thus far out of pocket. I know - you can say 'spoiled' all you want, but let me tell you something, I never asked for it. Since I was small they have given me nearly everything I've wanted or needed. I never asked for any of it. When I did ask for something - I asked what I absolutely needed. They would go above and beyond getting me top of the line, biggest and brightest, name brand blah blah blah blah blah. I never asked for any of it. I never really wanted any of it - appreciated it without limits - but still could have done without.

This semester may not go as planned. I'll find out deffinates on Friday. I'm going to beg on bended knee to just about everyone I can until then. I'm going to pray my little heart out until even He gets tired of hearing my voice.

If things don't go as planned then I'm going to have 5 weeks to turn my world upside down and find my footing. I'm finally going to stand up to my father. It scares me beyond anything I've ever known - but I know it's right.

My brother called me today. Apperently my parents have been plotting to get me away from my snobby-as-hell-family for lunch or something so that "we" can "discuss" what's going to happen. They have no idea that I've decided what's going to happen and are going to be so upset I can't even begin to imagine the consequences of my actions.

This is my reasoning if things don't go the way I'd prefer them to go:
1) I *will* be suspeneded. This means that for 1 semester I will not be allowed to attened any Univeristy - anywhere.
2) My parents will want to take me home. Now, as of now my parents are paying for my apartment and bills (I know, again, you an say 'spoiled' all you want but I assure you that it REALLY bothers me that they do and it's not something I like to admit). The thing about this is that their names are NOWHERE on my lease. They can not give me money all they want - but they can't force me to break my lease. The reason they want to take me home is because we made an 'agreement' before I came up here that if I didn't pull through I would go back. I; at the time, agreed. This presents a moral delima for me since I promised but I now know it was a wrong decison. Not to mention that at that time I would have agreed to almost anything not to be forced to stay home.
2a) If by some horrible horrible turn of events I *am* forced to go home there is absolutely nothing I can do there. There is a univeristy there - but if i'm suspened I won't be able to attend. There's also a community college there - but i'm 100% completely done with basics and there would be NO REASON for me to attend. I could work - but I can just as easily do that up here.
3) If I stay up here I can find work. I wouldn't really care what or where. I can even find multiple jobs if need be. If I can make rent, my bills, and have enough to buy gas to get around - that's all that really matters.
4) I can attened NCTC which works in conjuntion with the univeristy i'm currently atteneding. They offer classes that I need and isn't *too* far away (though it's not close either). That would make sure that I'm not falling too far behind while being suspeneded.

All this seems to make sense right? It feels like it's the right thing to do. I however, know that nothing but drama and pain will come from all of this. My parents are going to be unforgivably dissapointed, distressed, hurt, and are more than likely going to feel very betrayed by my actions. I'm worried my father will take it out on my brother mostly. I'm used to the man and can handle his treatment, but it won't be fair to for my brother to suffer because of something I did.

I won't just have to deal with my family either. I'm also going to have to deal with my mother's side of the family. While I love them, and they are family - they reek of snobby to high heaven. My family (in their eyes) is already looked upon as a charity case. I feel as if most of the reason my mother is pushing me so hard is so that she can show face in front of her family. My dad's side, however is beyond amazed that I even went to Community College. I'll be the second person out of over 75 relatives to graduate from college; heck, i'm the 4th to graduate from High School.

By friday I'll know deffantes of what's going down. No matter what happens - this discussion has to take place. If I pull through this and end up making the grades then this still has to happen. I am 21 years old, I am a grown ass woman, I should not be beholden to family in such a manner. I should not feel as if I'm 12 when I'm around them. I think we all missed it when I grew up. We all just kinda glazed on over it. Well, I figured it out - now it's time they did too.

Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai
Welp, see how things turn out. You'll know what to do whatever the turn-out is.

I'm more of a ===> in a hole and don't want out. rather it rain and i drown in mud and drift away in mud.
» Silver-dot- on 2006-11-06 05:55:03

Blah. :/ I definitely understand you on that. Thankfully, I'm not staring suspension in the eye. This was supposed to be my "zomg do a hell of a lot better" semester, *but* with the whole bs going on with my roomie and living situation.... UGH.

I've been doing horridly.
» ikimashokie on 2006-11-06 06:12:43

Turning in my paper first doesn't really bother me. Only in the "hrm, was it supposed to be that easy???" sort of way, sometimes. Though I was one of the first to turn in the bio test... It took me about the same amount of time, so fingers crossed I didn't suck it.
» ikimashokie on 2006-11-06 06:21:46

Growin up
Making decisions is all a part of growing up. You will choose well I am sure.
» kkama67 on 2006-11-06 06:27:12

whew..
I had to catch my breath just after reading that...i am glad that I didn't have to speak it all out loud. heh Anyway. You definitely should atleast explain this all to them. In the end you old enough to make such a decision and I think that while they'd have a right to cut you off for not following their wishes, I don't think that they'd really have a right to force you to move back home. If I were in their position and really wanted you back home I may cut you off in the hopes that you'd just decide to move back. Or maybe I'd just want you to be happy and maybe even get the happy feelings from managing to make ends meet on your own.

But don't ask me how that feels..I am working my ass off...and still not getting that done myself hehe Let us know how it goes. Best of luck!
» etheracide on 2006-11-06 09:21:52

Everything you said in your post is the same thing my boyfriend is going through right now. Except you seem to have a rational, mature grip on it. Best of Luck to you in your decisions. I can tell you have a level enought head to figure it out.
» stlcardsgal86 on 2006-11-07 01:16:14

The term ' Grown ass woman, ' and ' Grown ass man, ' is a texan term I think. I've never heard/seen it used anywhere else but here. And no one uses it down in San Antonio, I guess its for the DFW area.
» Dilated on 2006-11-08 10:00:24

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