Lockinglips. Making out. Smooching. Kissing. It sounds so pleasant and easy,yet do a little research and you�ll soon discover that while everyonemay be doing it, few are doing it well. For your edification, I haverounded up the different varieties of bad kissers and broken them downby the traits they share with members of the animal kingdom:
Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue,Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawlingaround your mouth. One victim noted, �He�d dart his tongue in and outat a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, notgive you calluses.�
There is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there.
The Excitable Puppy: I don�t know who istelling these boys that there�s nothing hotter than a mid-makeouttongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. �He licked fromforehead to nose to chin and back again,� is how one woman describedher first kiss. �Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Eventhough it was my first makeout sesh, I knew my companion was cursedwith bad skills.�
The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he�s cute, you�retipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfwaydown your throat, pulsing like a piston. �The tongue should flicklightly�not thrust like a video on BET,� instructs Victoria, afilmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.
The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I wasdating until we had our first makeout. His kiss was like being set uponby a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, buta series of sharp nips to the jawline, decidedly less so.
The Venus Flytrap: �It was like his neck was on a hinge,� Sarahrelays over cocktails. �This gave him the ability to open his mouthabout six inches.� I dated one of these too�his mouth would open sowide that he�d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath.And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically ananimal, it eats bugs and that�s good enough for me.
The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer bymost people surveyed. �In my mind I said let me give you the number ofmy gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!� David shared via email. Inreality he said nothing to the offender�he simply never called heragain. �I�m a very polite person,� he explained.
The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing thanjust shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. �The unfurling ofthe tongue, and then not moving it . . . � Sarah shudders, toohorrified to go on. �Too much tongue is the number one component of abad kiss,� she continues. �When it fills your mouth and you feel likesome cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there�that is theultimate bummer.�
Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the deadskin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quitecleansing. �I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip ofher tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to cleanthem,� shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experiencedthis, and was neither amused nor aroused. �It reminded me of thosecheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the �70s.�
Heed the warnings on the video, and watch at your own risk!!!!
Rating | Submission & Details | Author | Current Stats |
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1. | The Ultimate Orgy � A parody of "The Ultimate Showdown" ... but in THIS version, the combatants make love, not war.Contains loads of hot, x-rated sex. You have been warned. If you can watch it al |