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*Scratches Head
Friday. 3.23.07 12:23 am
listening to: nothing
mood: pretty lazy

Often times I find myself not having to think about my next action and just simply allow my friends to direct me. In some kind of mixed-feeling way, they've always been there to do so. Yet, more or less, I feel like I've been slowly planning out my next action, even if it wasn't so apparent to me. Until today, that is.

The entire day I found myself pondering what to do. Normally it's a systematic process of going to class, sit around friends, chat a little, and going on with the planned lesson. Not a lot of hassle, or a lot of thinking. But because of some strange twist of fate, most of my friends went on a trip to tour the National Federal Bank, where the people there shred money. Does sound quite exciting doesn't it? Really, I thought it was fascinating. But that's besides the point. For once, I felt that dreaded loneliness that I have long since shed during middle school, or so I thought.

It really was quite intriguing. Every single friend that I usually hang out with, was on the trip. The entire time I felt as if I had kind of woke up from a dream. During 3rd period, which is English, I went to grab a sheet to enter an essay contest. It's based on a book called The Fountainhead. The story is about an architect named Howard Roark, who fights against the whole world (exaggerating here) that stands against his style of architecture, and probably his character itself. There's more depth to the book than what I just said, and it's a pretty interesting read. But anyways, part of the book analyzes the ideals of altruism and egoism. One of the prompts on the paper was targetting that specifically and it made me realize something... (This may get confusing because you have to read the book and understand Ayn Rand's concept. I actually agree with her ideals.) Aren't I what you may call a "second-hander?" I don't think for myself, and I hungrily await the commands of my friends... If they aren't there, does that mean I'm destroyed? I thought long and hard and I felt like I was becoming that. No people = no life. But by fifth period, one of my friends was hm... how should I put this... unfortunately stuck at school with me and I enjoyed talking to her, not that I usually don't. I wasn't waiting for her beckon and call, is all.

I know that there has been some change going on for me. Before, I'd have a hard time expressing myself to people I wasn't familiar with, but I find that it's a bit easier now. Not to mention I'm even doing things I didn't do before... like joining club activities involving sports... just getting involved into the community itself. In some profound way, I think I'm freeing myself from some kind of mental binding that I've created for myself years ago. But I can't say so definitely because I know I'm going to revert back to myself sometimes, haha.

But well, that's what I've been feeling like lately. A bit more tired too, but it's all good. I wonder if any of that made sense? Haha. I'm a very big weirdo, so please don't mind me going off on random things. I suppose I should get off now because I have a cause and effect essay to complete XD.

Peace Out,
Flor
1 Comments.


Hey.. it's okay to be a weirdo.. I am too.. Well, it's nice to just go with the flow but sometimes, you just have to break away because the flow is not going the way you want. Though sometimes knowing a lot about a few people is so much better, sometimes knowing a little about a lot of people would be more fun..
» Nuttz on 2007-03-23 03:35:11

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