I guess when it comes to on line, it's not that I necessarily think that people are just outright lying about themselves. It seems that people tend to talk about the things that they want other people to see in them and ultimately it's what they truly want to see in themselves. So, they tend to talk about all the positive aspects that they have to offer and simply overlook the negative ones. Not because they do it intentionally, but because it's things that they just don't see. They may talk about how caring they can be and totally forget to mention that they will go apeshit if you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle instead of rolling it up from the bottom. They might tell you that they are pretty organized in thier lives, but fail to go as far as saying that they are so neat that every single can in the cupboard has to have the labels facing forward and are aligned nice and perfect or they are going to have a major meltdown over it. So, these are the things that I tend to look for in people before I'm willing to take that step into the so called "greener pastures" on the other side. I think it's pretty safe to say that everyone is caring, loving, giving and looking for forever. I also think it's very unanimous that everyone wants to be that rock, that security in the night, or that safety that another person can come running to when the storms in thier lives get too great to handle alone. As a general thought, I think we all want to be those things to someone. But, the realities of life show that not everyone can be those things and only simply give the illusion of that to who they meet. So, in meeting people, I look for the simpler answers. The ones that are going to make a difference in day to day living that people don't seem to ask when they are getting to know one another. When other people are asking "what do you do for fun?", "what are your dreams?", "what do you look for in a person?", I'm thinking that answers are pretty much that same across the board. We look for someone to love that is going to love us back. We look for someone that is going to be faithful, considerate, understanding and honest. We do the things that make us happy and want to share those things with a partner that can appreciate who we are as much as we appreciate them. It's pretty universal that we all long for the same things. So, I need to know the simple things. What pet peeves do you have? Are you going to freak out because the toilet paper is rolling off the bottom instead of the top? Are you someone that gets mad if you ask me to do something and I don't jump up and do it the very second you tell me too? Are you clingy? Are you someone that wants to sleep on the couch instead of coming to bed when you are angry? Are you someone that will jump in the car and drive off for hours on end because something didn't go your way? Are you a jealous person that is going to get upset if someone comes up and gives a flirtatious compliment to me? Is it going to bother you if I go out with "the girls" at night even though you didn't want to go and had hoped that I would stay home with you instead? Are you someone that claims to be sexual and loving who down the road will get bored and not feel like having sex anymore because you have gotten so comfortable in the relationship that you don't think it's necessary? How often do you think sex should happen in a healthy relationship? I can go on and on and on with the questions. I'm not looking for the worldly answers of wonderful nights of walking in the sunrise and glorious evenings of dancing til dawn. I want to know what happens in the morning when you haven't had enough sleep and you have to go to work and the pipe in the kitchen just bursted spilling water all over the kitchen floor. Are you going to get moody at me and start using me as a punching bag for your bad day? These are the things, to me, that make or break a relationship. You can love someone with everything you have, but I have learned a long time ago that love isn't enough if you are the type of person that will just throw your hands up in the air and want to leave everytime things get a little tough in life and it's not lined up perfectly down the road to forever.
So, when I say that I am simple in my life, I truly am. I'm not looking for the expensive dinners in beautiful resteraunts when a burger and fries sounds just fine to me. I'm not looking for fancy cars and tons of money that make me "appear" better than I am to the neighbors and rest of the world. I just want to be able to pay my bills, live my life and have some money left over to put in the bank to retire on. And, yes, I would like someone to share that with. Someone that isn't going to have my checkbook crawling miserably on the floor looking for a hiding place. Someone that will give to me as much as I give to them..financially, emotionally, mentally and willingly without spats and arguments that wind up in "you do this and I do that". I just want a life. A good life. One that I can't wait to tell my friends about. One that has pictures all over the walls of a life well spent that had nothing to do with day after day sitting in front of the tv and knowing the tv guide by heart.

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It was a brilliant weekend that just went by. The first this year, so I was siked about it. By Friday, I had decided that I was going to get out in the sun and hopefully get some color to this pale skin of mine that has been wrapped up in layers of sweatshirts and jackets all winter. Nothing major. I just wanted to sit in the sun for awhile in a tank top and shorts.
So, when I got up this morning I started looking around for suntan lotion or baby oil. Anything that would help me tan faster. Nothing. I swore that I had bought one or the other, but if I had, I sure the hell don't remember where I put it. So, instead, I fill the bathroom sink with warm water and dumped a ton of salt in it and stirred it around until it dessolved. I remember living in San Diego and always sunburning at the beach after swimming in the ocean. So, I figured, what the hell, salt water is salt water right? So, I splashed it all over me and then went out front and just sat in a chair facing the sun, and everytime, I dried off, I would go back and splash more salt water on me. Within a half an hour I was burnt on my shoulders and couldn't take the heat anymore and went back inside.
Mission accomplished though. Salt water works. LOL. Probably better than the suntan lotion. Okay, okay. It probably dried up my skin like crazy, but, hey, I'm tanned. LOL. I think I'm going to try my salt water trick again next weekend. LOL.

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I got a text message from MS today. Can�t remember the last time she contacted me. When we met, she called me practically everyday venting, complaining and expressing every aspect of her life especially all the minutes that she has been alcohol free with run downs of all the meetings and worldly feelings that she is suddenly having. We were on the phone for hours at a time and I thought we were going to have a great friendship.

Then one day, she said she was going home to Indiana to visit her family. Not sure what happened during that week she was there, but when she got back home to San Diego, the phone calls stopped, the emails, the text messages, everything. And we haven�t really talked since.

I didn�t spend any real time trying to keep in contact with her. It�s the internet. That�s just how things are. When you meet people on the internet, it always starts with a flair and then slowly drops off to nothing eventually. I never really knew why, but I just accepted it as that and just talk to people when we meet and let them go when they find a new avenue to follow. No bullshit. No crap. No hard feelings. Just a hope that they are living and doing well. So, that�s what I did with MS as well. I didn�t expect to hear from her again. But, after a couple of months of silence, she calls me up and says she wants to come to Vegas and see me. All I could think was �why?�. Maybe it was the computer that I told her I would give her, but changed my mind when we stopped talking. Maybe it was the outrigger canoe that I told her I would build for her, but have now been building it for myself since then. I have no clue. That was two weeks ago that she called and said that, and then everything dropped off again to silence. Until today, when I got the text message from her. It said, �thinking of you. MS�.

I sent her an email that said I had plans that weekend and will be with my family Memorial weekend, but she never responded to it. So, I don�t know if she has read it yet or even checked her email to know that I won�t be here if she comes. Just weird, I guess. After all the time not talking with no answers to why, I wonder why she is contacting me now.

It�s the internet, what can I say? Not that I don�t want her around or anything. She was actually a lot of fun to talk to and stay in touch with. I just wish I knew why.

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This Heart
by Franki Deejai

Sometime after midnight,
Somewhere within the dark,
A bonfire lit the night up
For someone in the park.

And a heart sent out a prayer
For the heaven's above to hear.
One that asked for comfort
That would take away the fear.

A prayer that sent a message
From this lonesome heart tonight,
That said it's not okay here.
That said it's not alright.

And all it wants for solace
Is a night that's filled with peace.
Nothing more than one moment
Where the loneliness would cease.

Hoping it will be answered.
This heart waits restlessly.
I hope the answer comes soon,
Cause this heart belongs to me.

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My neighbors cat ran into my apartment again today. I have no clue why this cat always wants to dart into my apartment right when I'm opening my door, but he does. And, everytime, he heads straight for the bathroom and jumps in the tub. I have a roman size tub, so it's not like I can just bend over and pick him up. I have to actually climb into the tub to reach the other side and get him. But, today, when I tried to do that, he started clawing at me and let out with some wild lunatic kind of hiss. So, I backed off of him because I didn't want to get scratched. "Here Kitty Kitty" didn't work. Opening a can of tuna didn't even get him to blink. I tried one more time to get him and he freaked out on me again. So, I'm standing there thinking, "you damn cat, I need to go to the store". Geez, I tell ya, I really love animals and cats are my favorite. I've always said that I like cats because they all have thier own personalities and they let it be known when they are happy, sad, mad or whatever. But, this cat. Geez. At least once every two weeks, we go through this. Normally he doesn't hiss at me though, so I don't mind too much. But, that hissing put me in an attitude pretty fast. And, that glare of his. My God. If looks could speak, it probably would have come out something like, "I am the demon child and I am going to rip your fucking eyes out if you try to pick me up, so back off!". So, I put up with him for about an hour and then decided that I had had enough. So, Yep, I did it. I turned the shower on after opening the front door. That cat was gone like a bat out of hell and left one long water streak on my carpet from the bathroom to the front door as he left. What can I say? I tried to be nice. I even tried to give that Damion Cat a can of tuna. Poor kitty. I guess eventually he will learn that I have my own personality too. LOL.

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The Lonely
By Franki D.

Breathe in the gift of silence
As we stand her you and me.
Two people wanting something
That can set tomorrow free.
Look deep within these eyes
And don�t ever look away.
The things tomorrow brings us
You will find right here today.
Just lay your head upon me
As you hear this heart within,
And feel it�s every desire
Where my love does so begin.
Caress it�s very existence.
Hear what it has to say,
Cause the lonely do go crying
At the end of a lonely day.
Just lean into its mercy
And seal it with a kiss,
For all the things that happen
Are things we will surely miss.
Just wrap your arms around me
And, yes, I will do the same.
There�s no one left to look to.
There�s no one left to blame.
Lay down and curl up with me
As we hold each other tight
While the clock moves on so slowly
Throughout the endless night.
It�s here we�ll find the magic
Of the yearning�s with no end.
It�s here that we will find us
When the lonely needs a friend.

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I Cried In The Darkness
By Franki D.

I cried in the darkness.
I trembled in the rain.
I felt my heart breaking
And shatter from the pain.

Looked upon the distance.
I looked out to the sky.
Felt an empty feeling
In the wind whipping by.

Land went on forever
Across the deep dark earth,
Stretching out and onward
With nothing left of worth.

Two steps to a doorway
That leads nowhere at all.
Two steps to a silence
Where no one hears you call.

Cause hurt will go unnoticed
And pain is not set free.
It lingers in the heart
Where no one else can see.

Simple logic really
To those of us who know,
That we cry in the darkness
Cause there�s no where else to go.

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