I tried so hard, because it's what you deserve, because you gave so much to me, because I owed so much to you, but now it seems its another person, the one who I'd least expect giving so much to me. And me owing them a lot. Emotional also this time, which is different. But either way, I'll try to find a meaningful, worthy way of paying you back.

And I tried to be around you guys again, but I felt uncomfortable, you're a different person, not the same one that I knew, which saddens me so much. Because I love you, and I want to be around the person that I spent most of my life with. But things are changing for you, they're changing for me.

And it seems as though I can't find stability within a single one of my friends anymore, its making me feel unsafe, and alone, because I always rely on the people that love for a place to set down emotions in, and let down my guard with, but now its slowly withering down to no one. And with you, oh, with you. The things we did, we shouldn't have done, because I loved you, I still love you, so much that sometimes it still hurts. And all those tears that we've cried in front of each other, and all those premade plans you talked about, they sound wonderful. But we still shouldn't have done this. It messed us up, and thats what you were fearing the most. I need you as my best friend, and I need you by my side, so please don't try to leave, please just stay. That was the most selfish thing I've ever said, and I'm sorry, but it cant be, because I've finally got what I was looking for.

But it made me want to cry my eyes out todayday when you pulled that bottle from the freezer and looked at me with your wide beautiful eyes, it made me want to break down and yell at you, but I couldn't because theres something inside of me just tugging, and pulling me back. Saying if I love you, I'll let you be who you are. But its not like that,
I need you to stop. And as much as I'd love to go back to Texas with you, and as much as your family is wonderful, I don't know if I can tolerate watching you the way that I've seen you. I don't want you to be my drunk high best friend, and I want to tell you this, but theres no way of saying it that wont make me hurt even more inside, because if you know, you will continue, it'll hurt me more. But nevertheless, you're the only person who spending time with lately has made me feel on top of the world, like life is worth living. And hearing you talk to that man last night, about that car, about just doing things with him, oh no. I cant do that. I cant have you away for more than a day without feeling sad. What am I going to do?

And with you, my old friend, I feel fine with you, to think that I almost wanted to let you go, when even though we don't spend as much time as we used to, you're one of the only places I can find sanity within. Your loud, morally wrong humor, keeps me laughing for hours, and your soft toned voice is the easiest to confide within. I could talk to you till the world ends, and still have more to say to you. And sometimes, even though its sad, I think about that one day where the sky was so blue, and we sat on top of your roof, and fell asleep right next to each other, and the first day that I heard Kimya Dawson, it was from you! I think about that, and I think about how true of a friend you are to me. I love you, and I need you in my life for as long as I possibly can keep!

I don't know. I'm not sure. I think that lately I've been just content, going along with the routine, and following along with what every day just consists of. I've been walking through each and every day with no thought, trying to avoid emotion, and doing that after a long time makes you a different person it makes you cold, mindless, and too tough, I'm not the same little girl I used to be, mind always wandering, thoughts always cooking inside of my head, but tears never stopping. I'm someone different now I guess. I guess you all are too. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was a lot that I needed to say, and a lot that you probably wont bother to read. But its out now. And I feel like I'm going to cry.

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