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�In wilderness is the preservation of the world.� - Henry David Thoreau

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Tears for Anatomy
Friday. 9.14.12 1:31 pm
I can't even count how many times school has driven me to tears this semester. I've got a busy course load and I stretch myself to thin every where else as well. Ugh. I've been thinking about asking to be put on aderal (sp?). It helps me a lot with school but it kind of sucks too because when I've been on it before the dosing wasn't right and I would get my school work done and then lay in bed trying to sleep all night, without success. But hell I'm not sleeping now anyways because I'm all over the place. My brain hurts. Sometimes I hate school. I just don't feel strong enough or smart enough or like it's going to all pay off in the end. Everybody I know acts like I'm so damn smart but at the end of the day I still dropped out when I was 16 without ever having passed 9th grade. I was bullied and then got in with the wrong crowd, it wasn't that I was stupid, but it makes me feel very stupid now. And last time it got hard and I couldn't handle it I quit.. but I don't want to quit. I just don't want to fail either. Fuck, I am really upset right now. It's just been a long and busy couple of weeks and I think it's finally all over running me. Oh well, my mom always used to try to get me to let myself cry more so I probably need this. Sometimes I feel like people in my life don't realize how much they lean on me.. but who do I lean on? I have a hard time letting myself lean on those who lean on me and I'm not the type to open up and lean on someone anyhow. fuck. I guess on lean on you nutang.

I have not cried like this in forever. This is so.. odd? I don't even know. Sometimes I just think blogs out in my head that I know I'll never type. I bet for every 1 I type, I think 100 others. I feel like such a crazy person for not being able to even open up to a piece of blank white space on a computer. I wish I didn't have such a fear of vulnerability. I envy those who can be open. It's probably because every person I've ever chosen to open myself up too has shit on that. Ugh. I'm so tired of being fucked up. Pardon me but just let me throw myself a pity party for a moment. I have had so many things in my life happen that were so beyond my control and that has fucked me up. That fucking me up has led me to making decisions that just fuck me up worse. I always try to be a good person and do the right thing and I always just make things more difficult.

I've got to go try and calm myself down.. I have schoolwork and obligations filling up the next 72 hours, I have got to get it together.
2 Comments.


I didn't know you dropped out of high school. Regardless, I don't think it says anything about your level of intelligence. A lot of getting through high school is just putting up with other people and the whirlwind of emotions that accompanies adolescence... Half the work they assign is just busywork, as well, and doesn't really teach much.

I'm sorry that the people in your life you've tried to open up to have let you down. Our society doesn't really teach us how to handle emotions and support other people very well. Many people don't really know how to listen, and oftentimes the ones that think they do are confusing "not talking" with "listening."

Life is overwhelming sometimes, and that doesn't mean you're not smart, or you're not capable enough, or you're weak. You can get through this rough patch, and it's alright if you need to take a break to cry. The important thing is that you're trying your best, and that's a lot more than some people can say.

http://gunshowcomic.com/593
» randomjunk on 2012-09-14 08:22:10

^ perfect response.

And man, college is HARD. I can't tell you how many breakdowns I had trying to get through it. I can't imagine having the added stresses you do.

I get you on the vulnerability thing. I have a really difficult time opening up to my significant other (or anyone else, for that matter, family included) and I know it's hard on him, but sometimes you just can't.

You're a strong person, it's evident in your posts. What you're going through now will only make you stronger. Hang in there!
» Amelie on 2012-09-17 11:43:04

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