my one true love
Saturday. 3.28.09 12:59 pm
i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...
what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?
i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.
is that weird?
i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.
sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.
i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.
it's so difficult.
okay i'm done with that little tangent.
i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.
when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.
i guess, music will always be my one true love.
Friday. 3.14.08 12:00 pm
ughhh ok, soooo i'm defintiely superly stressing out. my life is KINDA, crumbling down. well to start it off, my car is starting to slowly die... well, it's not even my car, it's my parents car. and well, they want to go and mix both our Geo Metro's together and make it into a nice car, but face it... either way it's gonna look like crap, PLUS my parents are friggin idiots and won't let us drive the yellow car if they fix ours, i just say we sell our ugly ones to that one guy that works at te popcorn place because he wants it, like... badly. and he's willing to buy them. so theres that. but with that, i wanna BUY a new car.... YES, buy one. But the thing is, is that my job is NOT giving me enough money to be able too. like i work 7 bucks an hour at an optical center that can ONLY give me 24 hours a week because i'm only part time. LAAAAAAAME. I would definitely be fine with working 7 bucks an hour WITH MORE HOURSSSSS. Or work 24 hours a week with like.... I don't know... 9 bucks an hour? Just to keep the ball rollin' you know? i need to make more money, maybe i can get a second job somewhere because i really need it...
and on top of that i have to pay 314 bucks by the 21st of this month to pay off the rest of my tuition so i can keep going to school... yeah... bummer, i definitely ONLY HAVE 248 bucks on my credit card... so somehow i need to get 66 bucks onto my credit card so i can pay that off, and when i do thatttt, i need to pay off the rest of my credit card... which will be about 500 bucks.... yeah i know... i'm in a real financial bind you know? but i'll make it work somehow.
me and my friends wanna move out in May... i need to get out of this place. i need a better job. i need to live closer to town. i need to buy a car. UGHHHHH why does everything i need involve money? this is a desperate time, a hard time for me and it just seem like it's gonna get harder for me unless i get some sort of help.... money-wise. whether it be another job, or here or tricking on the streets (which i will hopefully NEVER have to do) or something... i need to find a way to get cash, FAST.
well, thats it from me for now.... ttfn.
patience is a virtue
Saturday. 4.19.08 4:33 pm
Sooooo basically my life JUST got even harder. A whole bunch of things are just floating through my mind and I feel kinda overwhelmed. Not as much as yesterday but still pretty overwhelmed.
My best friend Tiffy doesn't want to move out with me anymore... well scratch that, it was supposed to originally be me, her and carly, then carly moved in with her boyfriend, which is understandable because she was a bit more prepared than we were, so it was just down to me and Tiff. Then her boyfriend came along and then it was gonna be me, her and her boyfriend sam. Well, two nights ago she called me up and told me she had some exciting amazing news. But, I was sleeping. So we met up the next day for breakfast. as we were eatingour bagels and proceeding to have a good time, she tells me her big news. She tells me that her boyfriend talked to his moms friend, who owns some apartments, somewhere and its 800 square feet, and utilities included, and all this great stuff. And then she tells me, "but its only a one bedroom apartment." Ouch. So basically, she doesn't wanna move out with me anymore and left me out in the rain. Boom, Adrian is now the third wheel. Whatever, its life, people really do come and go. I really did think that I was gonna be friends with her forever. But honestly, I can't see that anymore, not with what she told me. Yeah its great that they're are getting married in two years... two fuckin years. Date set and everything. They've been going out for.... what? A couple months? And they dated freshman year. Whoa good job. It must be nice to know that you got your whole life planned at 18 years old. Moving out with her boyfriend, getting married to her boyfriend blah blah blah. Which I think is the worst decision she has ever made. She's definitely going in it too fast. Love is blind and she's living her life blindfolded, being caught up in the fact that's she thinks she's in love. She went out with Manny for two years and they ended a huge ass mess. But she is stubborn, so whatever. And then the whole motherly acting as a grown up thing. She's 18. Not even 19. Still in her teens. And she wants to act like she's all mature? Hahahahaha. It makes me laugh, but makes me really mad. If she wants to go on and do that, more power to her. And I hope everything works out in the end for her. But I understand, I guess. She wants to live her own life.
My other best friend Carly is either moving to San Antonio, or to Germany. San Antonio because her boyfriend's job here, I guess, isn't really working out for him so he said he might be moving to San Antonio in June to be a Texas Ranger. The only bad thing for her is that he's gonna be living with his parents and she's gonna have to live... practically alone. But she has a good plan, go there, get a crappy apartment take a year off off school, work all year, then after that year she'll be a resident and can afford instate tuition then use all her saved up money to go back to school. Which is really smart, I think. Or she can move to Germany with her parents who are getting deployed there. I guess. But she said that if her boyfriend breaks up with her, then she's gonna move in with me! Yay...
But honestly, I think I wanna move to Cali. Like keep going to school here, but ACTUALLY save up money, like im starting to do, for the next year and pack up and move to Cali. Take off a year from school and work my ass off and try to get my music career started. Which is gonna be a long shot for me but hey, there's no hurt in trying right? Things can go horribly bad but nothing that I can't fix on my own. Im totally determined to get there. I have too. Its the only thing I have going for me right now. I need to start networking, writings more songs, getting noticed, performing more, getting more active instead of just slaving my life away, waiting to pass. I guess you can say that this is kind of an epiphany for me. Idk. There's soooo much I need to do.
I've decided that my goal for this year is to not be in a relationship... scratch that... I like relationships but I don't want a boyfriend. That doesn't mean I wanna be promiscuous or anything. It just means that if I do step into "something" I don't want it to accelerate too far too soon or anything. Sex for me just doesn't cut it anymore. I want passion, and intimacy, and creativity and just something else that isn't just sex. There needs to be something there to make it even better. Im not ready to settle down just yet but I am looking for something real amd long term. I've been hurt tooooo many times before to wanna be hurt again. And I wouldn't wanna put someone through the same shit as I have. I believe in waiting, and that you'll be rewarded. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue. I know right off the bat that there is no room in my heart for another tucson boy, so im not gonna fall for another one. At least not this year. I don't care how great it is or he is or anything. If he really wants me, he'll wait. Patience is a virtue. This is like.... me trying to re-invent myself, for the better. So much has gone on THIS YEAR alone than my whole life.
"Stop being a bitch" I tell myself. But it doesn't really work out that way. Im generally a nice person.... no. Not generally. Im a nice person all the time. Or try to be. But I can be a bitch at times. Sooooo I just need to do something about it.
Basically, im making a lot of changes and I don't know whether all of it will follow through or anything, im just blogging what I feel at the moment, and right now..... its a lot.
Joshua... WOWWW. =]
Tuesday. 4.28.09 10:39 am
he is HONESTLY, THE MOST amazing guy i've ever been with.
he makes me so happy. words cant describe the way he makes me feel. well actually... yeah it can, but its gonna be helluh long, lol. and i'm going to attempt to write it for you guys.
it's so weird that we've only been together for 2 weeks. (crazy huh?) but it just feels like so much longer, and I really feel like we can have these feelings for each other for a really long time. well, at least i can. we've already had our ups and downs but thats gonna happen throughout this entire relationship, however long we wanna ride it out. for me, i don't wanna get off. rollercoaster ride or merry go round, its gonna be a ride no matter what.
the thing about him is, is that i feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him, in the past 2 weeks we've spent almost everyday together, having heart to hearts, having fun, getting to know each other, yelling at each other and stuff. he's starting to become one of my best friends. and i'm so grateful for that. i really think that being in a relationship with someone who is also your best friend really strengthens your bond with each other, because you always know that you will have fun with each other, and can talk to each other. i've never really had a connection with someone like that before, and its such a new feeling, and truthfully, i cry... well almost cry about it. call me crazy or stupid, but thats just the way i feel. i can't help it. i am just really thankful that he is not the guy that's just out there for a "hit it and quit it" moment.
even though he has this not so great past, it doesn't change the way i feel about him, it just makes me like him more, and makes me want to cuddle with him and tell him that i'm here now, and i'm gonna make things better and i'm gonna help him experience things he's never experienced before... ickkkk, now i sound really arrogant and ya'll know how much i hate that, but really... i don't know how to explain it, but he really irritates me with all these stories about his past and it reallly does get to me, it hurts really badly because i'm afraid that if i don't impress him, he'll relapse and go back to the way he was and leave me. i guess that's just my insecurities talking but its how i'm used to thinking after having it happen to me so many times before. but the thing is is that i want to try with him.
if i didn't like him as much as i do now, i wouldve already left him. but i don't want to. i feel like he wants to really be with me, and that makes me want to be with him. the fact that he wants to be with me, and he enjoys it and wants to spend more time with me makes me jump for joy. literally. i haven't felt this way in such a long time.
i know, 2 weeks doesn't sound that long... and it really isn't. but if we have these feelings now, thats great! if it dies down, it dies down, and i really don't want that to happen. that's one of the many things i'm afraid of... is that he'll get bored with me. and its so hard trying to not be that way. even though i don't think i'm boring at all, you never know what the other person thinks, you know? but again, thats my insecurities showing. i need to be more outgoing... even though i am, i just need to not overanalyze the things that are great and break them down into something negative... because when you really look at the picture. there's really nothing negative about us. i am so happy with him, and i like to think that he's happy with me.
but it's scary because... i don't live in the past, i really don't. it GETS to me, yes. but the past is the past and i, nor we can change it. with Josh, i know he's had a crazy past. but it doesn't affect my feelings for him. it makes me re-think some things but i really like him. nothing can change that. really. the way i see things is that, even if you hurt me, physically or mentally, i'll still like you, its just that you hurt me, and morally, thats wrong. you have no right to hurt me and i have to right to hurt you. simple as that. also, i defiintely don't agree with the things that he's done before, but i have to move past that. and i try to. but it's gonna take time for me to do that. only because i'm afraid that in the future, it might happen again. but you never know, it might or it might not. i guess i have to stop overanalyzing things and just live my life with him accordingly, and hopefully he'll want to live his with me. is that dumb? wanting someone to live their life with you after just 2 weeks? idk, it's how i feel. it might change it might get stronger, i don't know. thats what i'm afraid of, i'm always used to having a plan, but with Josh, he's an open book. he lives in the now. i live in the future.
well... not really IN the future, just i think about my life in the near future and what is gonna happen and where i'm gonna be and who i'm gonna be with. hopefully with him. but like i said, you never know. i can only hope for the best, and try to make it that way. hmm... all i know is right now... i'm really content with my life. with him. =]
and then there's that question of love... am i in love with him? no. not yet. what am i talking about? lol, no, i'm not in love with him. but i could see it happening. if things keep going the way it's going, this could eventually turn into love within the next year. well, thats just looking at things prospectively... things could change... so i'm gonna strive to make sure that this relationship will go the way i want it too, and hope that he will have the same values and views that i do. but honestly, no, i don't love him, and i'm okay with that. =]. i'm not moving too fast with him, and i'm really okay with that. i don't feel the need to say bullshit to get what i want, 1) because he won't fall for it and 2) i have too much respect for him AND myself to do something like that. thats why i wanna take it slow with him. to see if he REALLY deserves what i want to give him. not just my hormones taking over and wanting it badly, but knowing that he waited all this time and stayed with me all this time to wait for me, is a really big turn on mentally and physically. it shows that he's down for me. and i would like to have that feeling.
i'm very much in like with him though.
i don't care about what anyone says, it's the way i feel and it makes us both happy, so i'm gonna live it the way i want. and not take anything for granted, and work to make this the best relationship i've ever had.
Joshua baby. You don't mean the world to me today, but "one day, is all it takes for things to turn around now, all i know is i got you and
you got me babe, and when that morning comes, i'll make coffee and you'll read the paper, we'll talk
about our plans and i'll keep saying how lucky we are."
and thats just the beginning. =]
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