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my one true love
Saturday. 3.28.09 12:59 pm
i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...

what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?

i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.

is that weird?

i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.

sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.

i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.

it's so difficult.

okay i'm done with that little tangent.

i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.

when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.

i guess, music will always be my one true love.

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moving to texassss. =]
Saturday. 8.30.08 6:30 pm
Hey guys. So definitely, im moving to Fort Worth, Texas... my hometown, my birthplace, my roots. Im really excited to go, but im really scared too.

It all started a couple days ago when me and my mom got into this huge fight after she found out that I lost my ID card again. She cussed me out, telling me that I am irresponsible and I never help out around the house, that my job sucks, and other bullshit. she yelled at me about finding another job, and I told her that I've been looking and she had the nerve! To tell me the most hateful words someone could say to me, and it was like a big ol jab in the heart... did those words come from my mother? Did they really? .... fuckk, they did. And it just hurts that they did... a lot, and I think about it and it makes my stomach churn... ughh... then she told me that I should go move to Texas to my auntie Maribel in Houston and that she'd help me... and that I make it seem like I hate her and don't respect her because I don't listen to what she says and that I give her like a devilish look. But I don't hate her, like at all, if fact, I love my mom with all my heart, she gave me life, she provided for me, she could've left me with my dad back in Guam but she put a roof over my head, and I could never thank her enough.

But in my defense, I know I give a mean mug, but that's just me, and I listen loud and clear, but I just don't wanna listen to some bullshit if its all just gonna be about how I can't survive unless I have my parents or unless I join the military... just because my dad and my step dad were in it, like what makes you think id want to join it? Yeah, its gonna be a lot of money and they'll pay for my school and ill have a job and blah blah blah, but what I really want to be is happy, and will joining the military make me happy? I don't know, and I don't really wanna find out, its just not for me and I know it isn't.

And so I considered going to Texas, but not to Houston, right after me and my mom got into that huge fight. I called my cousin over there and talked to them about it and they loved the idea, they said they would help me find a job, introduce me to new people, help me redirect my life.

I thought about it a lot, and I found out that... my mom is right. I live in a kinda small town, where im familiar with everything and everyone, with a jank ass job, and there's not very many places tofind a job here either. School is a pain, and will always be a pain, I know a lot of the people, and it just... lemme see, ok... lemme put it this way... I feel like, im so familiar with this place that I just don't care about things, and I know ways to get by, and im not progressing in life. I feel like a slacker, and its not a good feeling. =[. And I feel like if I get pushed into a situation where I need to do stuff on my own, ill stuggle, but ill do it, and ill get by.

And you know, it might not work out over at Texas, and I talked to my parents about it, and they said that I could come back. We actually took the time to talk it through. And im glad I did. I really wanna make it on my own, and I think Texas will help me through it... I really hope so. I really hope I find solace, and myself and love in Texas.

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