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happy =]
Sunday. 3.23.08 12:35 pm
Mmmmkay. So pretty much a lot has happend over the course of these
couple of days. Lol, well, I went fishing with my brothers and
sister...
well, I did a little then, I didn't like catch anything so I just
basically played the guitar most of the time lol, because im such a
loser.

Well, I met this great boy. Actually, I have yet to meet him but he
seems really genuine. He's a sweet talker, and I know, "Adrey, you need

to watch out for those kinda people." Yes yes yes, I know. Im keeping
my
gaurd up but still, he really makes me happy. Each time he calls me my
heart skips a beat and we have these great conversations. I just...
can't get enough of him. I can really see myself falling hard for him.
And this reality just feels like a dream. Im the dreamer, and he is my
dream. And I don't ever want him to fade away or become a nightmare. It

feels so right. I deserve a good guy. And good guy = him. =].

I put 2 new videos on youtube. One is of me singing Umbrella, and the
other is the new song I wrote. =].

My best friend stayed the night last night and we had a blast, and my
friend Cass who is also one of my best friends stayed also. It was
really cool to have my best best best friend meet up with my best
friend
in my neighborhood. We had a grand old time watching videos and talking

and stuff. It was great. =]. Then we woke up with Shane on my mind. =].

Then we all left and me and tiff went to go pick up our friends Arina
and Robby and went to eat bagels at Breuggers. It was amazing. Lol.
Then
they took me to work.

Which sucks.

But anyways, finiancial situation, still horrible, but I paid off
school, all $314 and all I have is $2 for the next week. Payday is
friday, and hopefully it'll be a big one, because I really need to pay
off my credit card. Then start saving for a car. And start saving for
the apartment, which hopefully won't be too much. But its getting
better. Im getting better.

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my insecurities...
Tuesday. 5.27.08 2:01 pm
i miss my boyfriend. and my in securities are starting to flood in. everytime i'm not with him or not talking to him.... i get a big ball of insecurities in the pit of my stomach. i feel bad but i feel like he still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend. his ex has been texting him lately and he's been talking to him... and it makes me worry. because his ex broke up with him and now he's all trying to text him and apologize and stuff. and i just start to worry that maybe i gave him the confidence to start talking to other guys and i'm just afriad that he's building back his relationship with his ex. and i really don't want that to happen. i cant even count how many times i think about it and i just feel like i want to cry... because i really do. i guess it's my insecurities. and its getting a hold of me... because i'm clingy... i know this. and not very many people like clingy people so i normally dont tell people that i'm clingy... but thats the case with me. i really like him... so i get clingy, and after all the good times and he goes away... i start to think about the negative stuff. but when he calls me... he it makes my day soooo much brighter and i love it. my heart begins to flutter and i just... i don't know. i very much am in love with him. and i've done so much to build this relationship with him and i don't wanna let it go. right now... he's my everything... but i don't know how long it will last before his ex gets to him.... or my insecurities get a hold of me and i just break down. i don't know why i feel like this. but i know that if his ex DOES try to get back with him... WOOOOOOO there'll be blood on the floor and it sure as hell wont be mine. im willing to fight for my man.

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patience is a virtue
Saturday. 4.19.08 4:33 pm
Sooooo basically my life JUST got even harder. A whole bunch of things are just floating through my mind and I feel kinda overwhelmed. Not as much as yesterday but still pretty overwhelmed.

My best friend Tiffy doesn't want to move out with me anymore... well scratch that, it was supposed to originally be me, her and carly, then carly moved in with her boyfriend, which is understandable because she was a bit more prepared than we were, so it was just down to me and Tiff. Then her boyfriend came along and then it was gonna be me, her and her boyfriend sam. Well, two nights ago she called me up and told me she had some exciting amazing news. But, I was sleeping. So we met up the next day for breakfast. as we were eatingour bagels and proceeding to have a good time, she tells me her big news. She tells me that her boyfriend talked to his moms friend, who owns some apartments, somewhere and its 800 square feet, and utilities included, and all this great stuff. And then she tells me, "but its only a one bedroom apartment." Ouch. So basically, she doesn't wanna move out with me anymore and left me out in the rain. Boom, Adrian is now the third wheel. Whatever, its life, people really do come and go. I really did think that I was gonna be friends with her forever. But honestly, I can't see that anymore, not with what she told me. Yeah its great that they're are getting married in two years... two fuckin years. Date set and everything. They've been going out for.... what? A couple months? And they dated freshman year. Whoa good job. It must be nice to know that you got your whole life planned at 18 years old. Moving out with her boyfriend, getting married to her boyfriend blah blah blah. Which I think is the worst decision she has ever made. She's definitely going in it too fast. Love is blind and she's living her life blindfolded, being caught up in the fact that's she thinks she's in love. She went out with Manny for two years and they ended a huge ass mess. But she is stubborn, so whatever. And then the whole motherly acting as a grown up thing. She's 18. Not even 19. Still in her teens. And she wants to act like she's all mature? Hahahahaha. It makes me laugh, but makes me really mad. If she wants to go on and do that, more power to her. And I hope everything works out in the end for her. But I understand, I guess. She wants to live her own life.

My other best friend Carly is either moving to San Antonio, or to Germany. San Antonio because her boyfriend's job here, I guess, isn't really working out for him so he said he might be moving to San Antonio in June to be a Texas Ranger. The only bad thing for her is that he's gonna be living with his parents and she's gonna have to live... practically alone. But she has a good plan, go there, get a crappy apartment take a year off off school, work all year, then after that year she'll be a resident and can afford instate tuition then use all her saved up money to go back to school. Which is really smart, I think. Or she can move to Germany with her parents who are getting deployed there. I guess. But she said that if her boyfriend breaks up with her, then she's gonna move in with me! Yay...

But honestly, I think I wanna move to Cali. Like keep going to school here, but ACTUALLY save up money, like im starting to do, for the next year and pack up and move to Cali. Take off a year from school and work my ass off and try to get my music career started. Which is gonna be a long shot for me but hey, there's no hurt in trying right? Things can go horribly bad but nothing that I can't fix on my own. Im totally determined to get there. I have too. Its the only thing I have going for me right now. I need to start networking, writings more songs, getting noticed, performing more, getting more active instead of just slaving my life away, waiting to pass. I guess you can say that this is kind of an epiphany for me. Idk. There's soooo much I need to do.

I've decided that my goal for this year is to not be in a relationship... scratch that... I like relationships but I don't want a boyfriend. That doesn't mean I wanna be promiscuous or anything. It just means that if I do step into "something" I don't want it to accelerate too far too soon or anything. Sex for me just doesn't cut it anymore. I want passion, and intimacy, and creativity and just something else that isn't just sex. There needs to be something there to make it even better. Im not ready to settle down just yet but I am looking for something real amd long term. I've been hurt tooooo many times before to wanna be hurt again. And I wouldn't wanna put someone through the same shit as I have. I believe in waiting, and that you'll be rewarded. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue. I know right off the bat that there is no room in my heart for another tucson boy, so im not gonna fall for another one. At least not this year. I don't care how great it is or he is or anything. If he really wants me, he'll wait. Patience is a virtue. This is like.... me trying to re-invent myself, for the better. So much has gone on THIS YEAR alone than my whole life.

"Stop being a bitch" I tell myself. But it doesn't really work out that way. Im generally a nice person.... no. Not generally. Im a nice person all the time. Or try to be. But I can be a bitch at times. Sooooo I just need to do something about it.

Basically, im making a lot of changes and I don't know whether all of it will follow through or anything, im just blogging what I feel at the moment, and right now..... its a lot.

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moving to texassss. =]
Saturday. 8.30.08 6:30 pm
Hey guys. So definitely, im moving to Fort Worth, Texas... my hometown, my birthplace, my roots. Im really excited to go, but im really scared too.

It all started a couple days ago when me and my mom got into this huge fight after she found out that I lost my ID card again. She cussed me out, telling me that I am irresponsible and I never help out around the house, that my job sucks, and other bullshit. she yelled at me about finding another job, and I told her that I've been looking and she had the nerve! To tell me the most hateful words someone could say to me, and it was like a big ol jab in the heart... did those words come from my mother? Did they really? .... fuckk, they did. And it just hurts that they did... a lot, and I think about it and it makes my stomach churn... ughh... then she told me that I should go move to Texas to my auntie Maribel in Houston and that she'd help me... and that I make it seem like I hate her and don't respect her because I don't listen to what she says and that I give her like a devilish look. But I don't hate her, like at all, if fact, I love my mom with all my heart, she gave me life, she provided for me, she could've left me with my dad back in Guam but she put a roof over my head, and I could never thank her enough.

But in my defense, I know I give a mean mug, but that's just me, and I listen loud and clear, but I just don't wanna listen to some bullshit if its all just gonna be about how I can't survive unless I have my parents or unless I join the military... just because my dad and my step dad were in it, like what makes you think id want to join it? Yeah, its gonna be a lot of money and they'll pay for my school and ill have a job and blah blah blah, but what I really want to be is happy, and will joining the military make me happy? I don't know, and I don't really wanna find out, its just not for me and I know it isn't.

And so I considered going to Texas, but not to Houston, right after me and my mom got into that huge fight. I called my cousin over there and talked to them about it and they loved the idea, they said they would help me find a job, introduce me to new people, help me redirect my life.

I thought about it a lot, and I found out that... my mom is right. I live in a kinda small town, where im familiar with everything and everyone, with a jank ass job, and there's not very many places tofind a job here either. School is a pain, and will always be a pain, I know a lot of the people, and it just... lemme see, ok... lemme put it this way... I feel like, im so familiar with this place that I just don't care about things, and I know ways to get by, and im not progressing in life. I feel like a slacker, and its not a good feeling. =[. And I feel like if I get pushed into a situation where I need to do stuff on my own, ill stuggle, but ill do it, and ill get by.

And you know, it might not work out over at Texas, and I talked to my parents about it, and they said that I could come back. We actually took the time to talk it through. And im glad I did. I really wanna make it on my own, and I think Texas will help me through it... I really hope so. I really hope I find solace, and myself and love in Texas.

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