WHAT'S MY F***IN' NAME??
Ethnicity. A European Medley!
Location Radomyshl, Ukraine
School. Seattle Pacific Univ
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A Tweeting Twitter Twit, I am.
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You Can Dance If You Want To
or im me
And She's Back.
Sunday. 5.28.17 9:59 pm
What is it about me, this place, and the heat?
It's 77 degrees outside and 79 inside, according to the weather station in the kitchen. This is the room from which I write to you now. I like setting up my laptop on the kitchen table because there's plenty of room to spread out the papers I'm supposed to be grading. Emboldened by the extra day off tomorrow, I am engaged in some serious work avoidance.
For the last 90 or so minutes, I have been diving deep into blog archives: first my husband's, then one of mine from Peace Corps days, then my mom's (last updated four years ago). I am jumping from link to link, then I remember this place. Not linked to anything. My private corner of the Internet.
I come to this place every time it gets warm, for some reason. From my first post in August 2003, to my last round of post in July/August 2013, NuTang is my summer haven. Actually, I was thinking about doing an update a month or so ago, but it looked like the site was gone. At least, I was not able to access it from my phone. I kind of freaked. Even if I do not post very often, it's comforting to know that my teenage self is still suspended here, like a brain in a jar, and that I can visit her sometimes.
It is weird to think that I was the age of the kids that I teach when I started coming here. Social networks were just getting off the ground, and I didn't even have a cell phone yet. Fifteen-year-old Muse had a very different life from today's kiddos, but her mindset is so similar. I wonder what she would think of me now.
Almost doubled in age, I am now married. I own a house, a car, and a cat, and I am on something that resembles a career path. I have a graduate degree and a few good friends. I have done some of the travelling I always dreamed of, but live just one town over from the place I was born.
I am happy(ish). I struggle with a lot, but I also have a lot. More than anything, I have options. I could walk out the door right now and do just about anything I want. Not everything, but most things. I feel like I am on an asymptotic curve. My limit is becoming clearer. At this point in my life, I will definitely never be able to be an astronaut or olympic athlete (not that those were ever dreams of mine). I could probably still go to med school or become an actress, if I started now and really put some effort into it, but the road is a lot harder than if I had but myself on one of those paths ten years ago.
If I could talk to my past self, the biggest thing I would tell her is not to worry so much. Every time I thought I was facing a disaster, things turned out ok. I never failed a class I needed to pass. Boys eventually started to like me. I got to move out of my parents' house and control more things in my own life. However, there are some lessons I had to learn the hard way. Some things I really reflect on, and hope to pass on to others. I guess that's why I settled on teaching as a profession. I am done trying to do the big, meaningful things in life and have settled (at least for now) into doing the small things.
In this spirit, I begin a new set of writings. Not with any real hope or agenda, but for posterity. Call it a mental defragmentation. The following essays are written with my future children in mind, even if they might only ever be read by me. In five or ten years. On a warm night when I need something to distract myself.
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