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Yo quisera ser
Monday. 9.19.05 6:21 pm
What's your name again? I know I knew it two seconds ago
But I don't recognize this second face, although with the first it's identical

It was.. You know how when it’s time for you to wake up sometimes, but you want to hold onto that dream so much that you go into that half awake, half asleep type deal? It was maybe three weeks ago that when she, metaphorically, kicked me in the gut with the truth I refused to see. With her hands wrapped around her books, and her face turned to face the world and away from me, she told me we couldn’t be what we once were. Told me that she couldn’t understand how I could go from being cold and distant for almost two years to waking up ( Half-waking up as I alluded to earlier ) this summer and forgiving her, and now try to act as if nothing was ever wrong. I didn’t say anything in response, just kept my head down and slid my hand into my pocket, looking for something to hold onto within while she held onto me like she always did, hugged me, and walked away to her class after a few moments of silence.

Telling me that we couldn’t ever have what we once had.. Telling me that we couldn’t be as close, let alone closer just like that.. I blamed her. I couldn’t see how she could say that to me, when I had been the one to forgive her for hurting me in the first place, and throughout the rest of that day people came up to me to ask what was wrong. My favorite teacher told me just last week that my face betrays me, ‘cause when something is on my mind I can’t be as aloof as I normally am, and on that day.. I wasn’t really myself. I was still in my half-dream state till I made a phone call to explain my dilemma.. My friend, Momo, is my kryptonite. She called me on my selfishness, my reluctance to accept the pain I caused her , and me always wanting to bring it back to my hurt. I had made it seem as though I was doing her a favor by forgiving her, without realizing that she had forgiven me time and time again by always coming back for more and more punishment. Each time I hurt her feelings back then seemed like another day.. Another month added onto the time span it’ll take for us to be what we once were. After talking to Momo, I felt as though someone cut the lights on in my bedroom and dragged me out of my dream state. I had known the truth in the back of my mind.. I knew that realistically, we couldn’t build what took two years to destroy in two weeks. I didn’t care though.. So often, it seems as though I think with my heart, and not my mind. I know the right thing, I know the smart thing, I know what I ought to do.. But if my heart ain’t in it, don’t expect to see Jonathan taking part in it.

I wrote a lot, but in the journal we share, the thing I gripped in my pocket after she told me that. I tore that journal up, the front cover is broken off the hinge now, and almost all the space is taken up.. When I gave it to her to read a few weeks ago, she just looked at me funny and smiled. That was the same thing she did two days after she told me that, and I talked to Momo.. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her no. I told her that I was sorry for being so selfish, and not realizing the pain I had caused her, and apologized for not looking at things the way they were and focusing on what I wanted and dreamed of. She smiled at me, and I think I might’ve hated her for a moment,(hyperbole), for being so understanding with that grin.

I told the girl that one of my biggest problems in regard to our situation was that I was always looking to the past.. Reminiscing of the past with her, and when I wasn’t doing that I was dreaming and hoping of some great future, always forgetting the past. She asked why, and I told her that I didn’t know.. And told her that I’d try to focus on the present.. And that presently, I had a friend who I could open my heart to during our seven minute journey from the 700 to the 300 hallway.

Since then.. It’s been weird for me. A couple days have just been filler conversations “ hey - hi - how’re you - fine - blahblah - … “ Today.. I figured that most of those filler conversations are because of me. We started to have one where she asked me what’s up, and I’d say “ The sky “, then ask me what’s going on, and I’d say “ life “. She looked at me, and said “ Tell me what I want to hear “
“ I love you. “, followed by a quick “ I dunno “ with my head turned down and my bottom lip rolled back into my mouth at an angle, biting it. It’s true, I do lover the girl, yet I’m not sure how..

No, I do know how. I love her as a friend. We’re not as close as we used to be.. And wishful thinking complicates things. Wanting her.. And wanting to be with her.. Two separate things. She’s got a boyfriend.. A guy who used to be one of my close friends. We all used to be close friends, the three of us..

There I go again, reminiscing. Right now.. The present.. Is what I’m focusing on.


Heartache brings the worst pain. You seem very hurt.
» lucidblur on 2005-09-19 06:40:08

I can't...
think with my head when it comes to love. It causes too many complications. To answer your question, I don't have ID because I'm a lazy bum who doesn't even have her Learner's license and I don't have a proof of age card. That will all change, though...I think. Maybe.
» KatnicityAnnToTheMax on 2005-09-19 07:46:01

my favorite has to be DDR max 2. I loved most of the songs because they varied a lot...and seemed more techno-ish and lively. DDR Extreme seemed kinda bubbly or happy, happy with the music... I don't know how to describe it. I guess I found some of the songs corny to be on extreme.. like "like a virgin" and "kick the can". For me it's embarassing to turn the music up...with Max2, however, I always turn up the volume. I just wish they came out with Party Mode earlier. hmmm. I suppose I won't be returning the game.

With the whole waking up half awake deal... I think I know waht you're talking about. It's been happening a lot lately because my dog just goes in my room when my ac is on and leaves the door open...so I try to sleep and continue the dream..but then I end up getting up to close the door and a minute later end up opening the door for my dog to go out since she usually starts barking.
» Ajibalaji89 on 2005-09-19 07:51:41

Momo is a genius.
Good for you. You're not really living, if you're living in what you've already lived through. The present is right where you should be.
» juiCyy on 2005-09-19 08:54:04

Holding on or moving on?
Sometimes we need heartbreak to grow closer to the person we were meant to be. Despite what you might want to believe right now I don't think you love her. I think you are obsessed with the idea of her. You like the idea of her you created from your past. What you choose to do with your life and your heart is your decision. Sometimes infatuation can't be tamed but from my take it feels like you're unwilling to let go. Like you want to have her again. You don't see any other way around this desire. iunno. I truly think there is some other fish in the sea for you. But hey this is jus my opinion k? take care! :)
» Phoid_hearted on 2005-09-19 09:02:22

JuiCyy said it the best, by the way.

Yup, my mom goes to concerts with me. Rock concerts. She's 47, too. She's a weird black lady. haha
» lucidblur on 2005-09-19 11:15:44

haiz... let it go.... the past is no longer existing
» merrick on 2005-09-20 09:03:57

yes, yes!
love the layout... thanks for the comment. please be my first nutang family member!?
» jorie_xXx on 2005-09-20 10:08:04

so what is your name?
» jorie_xXx on 2005-09-21 07:38:23

it was good,
but, now, for some reason, i don't feel the way i thought i would feel about her. idk, it is kinda wierd. but thanks tho.
» zero_jak on 2005-09-21 08:15:01

you sound troubled, girl. you must know yourself first. that is advice to live by. once you are happy and KNOW yourself and are happy with you. Then all will be good. peace and love
» Doom ( on 2005-09-21 09:50:19

that's right....Earth Wind and Fire have a new cd. It's called illumination. It's really good. If you like any of their old stuff, you'll love this stuff. It's a great cd.
» OldSchooler on 2005-09-23 01:17:34

Hah. Someone called you "girl." I'm sorry, I found that amusing. -- You wrote this a bit late, didn't you? Is it still bothering you? Was this what you wanted to talk about? Anywho, I'm still angry. But remember what I told you the last time we talked, so call me whenever. You never told me what happened and it's made me worry since then, so please call. I love you, Jonathan. Despite being an asshole. Hope to hear from you soon.
» toni on 2005-09-24 12:43:23

I was just looking around my site and I noticed ur name in the comment page. thanks 4 commenting and nice background
» xtrustno1x on 2005-09-28 04:59:28

Heartbreak is the worst feeling. Its good to see you're focusing on the present instead of dwelling on the past. Keep your head up bro
» eXiled on 2005-10-24 12:47:39

wow. that is food for thought
im not really one of yer friends, but i thought id look at yer site. the name and profile pic catch the attention

i don't know what u should do. im only 13. srry. it really makes me think though....
» middaymoon on 2005-11-02 06:15:27

cukd ouwbp
eqho dhfnoxbl qbjmr qngci ptxrcdi dqknbf buejdvp
» nguicd anjoucd ( on 2006-05-27 09:26:22



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