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Memores acti prudentes futuri

No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
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More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
Camp Weedonwantcha
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
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Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
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Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
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The Property of Hate
Red Meat
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Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
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Scenes from a Multiverse
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Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
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Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
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Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
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Hello with Cheese
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Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
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Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
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Ugly Girl
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Pure Flash Awesomeness
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Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
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Clients from Hell
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Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
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Looky here
free counters
Updates from Hawaii
Friday, August 9, 2013
I feel like it's harder to write entries about Hawaii when I can't show the pictures that would go with them. Gotta wait until I get home to transfer my pictures over from my camera...

Umm, I've gotten into another situation where someone is very emotionally dependent on me. I'm hopeful that nothing really bad happens. I think this makes the third time something like this has happened. Or well... third person at least. I dunno.

We went to the beach on Monday and there were a couple ducks hanging out there, in the midst of all the people. They were sand colored. I was tearing off bits of bread to feed them, but then one of the ducks jumped up and grabbed the whole piece and ran away with it. I caught a video of it happening... But... obviously I can't post it here yet. >_>

I keep having sorta nightmarish dreams. I don't know how to describe them exactly. Like... I feel fear in the dream, and I'm anxious and stuff... but the whole dream isn't like that. I usually think of nightmares as being dreams where the whole thing is scary. I guess a better way to put it is that I keep having dreams in which I feel very...tense.

Oh! I got some new shoes. Mostly I'm not that into shoes. I mean, I don't buy them that often, and I don't have that many pairs... (Pairs that I use, at least). BUT I was at the mall and I saw them in the window of a store and I was like "oh my god, I want those."

Here's a picture of them from the Blowfish Shoes site:

They didn't have size 6.5 at the store, but it worked out okay, because I guess a size 7 fits me fine if I'm wearing socks. So, yay for that.

...I have a slipper tan on my feet. Also a shorts tan. Less of a t-shirt tan than before at least, though.

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I wish I had kids
Monday, August 5, 2013
...So I could go to Chuck E. Cheese and not feel like I'm too old to be there.


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Some pictures from New York 2 [2P]
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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No One Does It Like You
Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I've been listening to "No One Does It Like You" by Department of Eagles and "The Sound" by Human Highway a lot in the car.

My dad told me about how my parents and my uncle went to church and there was a three year old kid running around punching people in the crotch during prayer.

"That little shit... punched me in the dick" my dad muttered, shaking his head. But he did look amused.

My mom talked about how if the kid tried to punch her in the crotch she was planning to slap him very hard.

My uncle said he thought that the kid was just brushing against that area by accident... "Until I felt something touch my balls."

Family time!

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The digital future [2P]
Monday, July 29, 2013
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Sunday, July 28, 2013
At some point I think I finally internalized the idea that life is truly meaningless, after struggling with it for so long, and it didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. It seemed like a great thing, actually. It felt like a huge moment of clarity. It felt freeing. It was a relief. It was peace.

But then problems started coming up. Not... internally, not that, really. But with other people.

Often when people talk to me now I find myself holding back from telling them that life is meaningless and none of it matters anyway. And this is a bad thing and it's a good thing and it's a neutral thing. When people tell me bad things I want to tell them that they don't need to worry about their problems because none of it really makes a difference in the grand scheme of things, like they'll feel better if they realize life is meaningless.

And when people tell me good things sometimes I want to say that those things also don't matter for the same reasons.

I don't want to be a buzzkill and rain on people's parades. I don't want to trivialize their problems. This attitude... it's almost like I want to "share the good news" in a way.

I'm not sure if I'm deluded or depressed or what's going on with me. I was going to write this entry about how I think these things sometimes, and then I paused and wondered why I have this urge to talk to people that way, and I thought that it must be because I've internalized the idea of life being meaningless.

And... I feel good about that. It wipes away all of the existential stress I had before and I feel like I don't have to always be trying to find out what things mean or why things happen.

But at the same time I feel like I'm becoming a bland person and I don't know if that's related to this or if it's a side effect of depression or if I don't have a lot going on in my life or what.

I still think about when I was 17 and I felt like I had so many thoughts that it was too much to bear, so I wrote as much as I could out to drain my mind. It really feels like I exhausted my supply of thoughts in a weird way, so now all I ever get is a trickle. Like my mind is a reservoir and it flooded the dams once and there's been a drought ever since it emptied itself...

Despite everything else it seems like the idea of having these things in limited quantities is a superstition that just won't leave me.

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Lots of TV
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
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Some pictures from New York 1
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I uploaded my pictures from the New York trip before I left for Hawaii so I could post them while I'm here. There are 46, so I figured I'd do it in sets.

Here's a page from Skymall.

"The best solution for dog and cat anxiety, guaranteed!"

This is the Fox News store at the airport in Houston (I think?) that we had a layover at.

We got there around 6 PM on the first day and took public transit to get to our hotel. After taking one bus we decided to get dinner at this Korean/Japanese place. We were pretty excited to finally be in New York. :P

The typical spread that comes with Korean food, along with my boyfriend's sushi.

Waiting in the subway for the train...

And this is at the Port Authority Bus Terminal (I think that's what it was called?)...

We got lost trying to figure out where to go at first, but a guy helped us... for some money. He was looking around for people who needed directions so he could ask for some money to get enough for bus fare.

While there, we realized that the bus service didn't run all night... which meant that if we planned to only use public transit, we would have to watch the time carefully and never be out too late.

On the bus to New Jersey, Google Maps told us to get off at this certain street and then walk to our hotel... well, we passed the street where it told us to get off and we both thought the bus was going to just stop when we needed it to... We didn't realize we had to signal the driver to stop. Well, we ended up riding around on that bus for quite a long time, and it was getting later and later and we were going through neighborhoods that looked more and more unsafe. I was getting very worried, because we were clearly very far away from the Newark Airport, which is near where our hotel was. Eventually my boyfriend got up to talk to the driver about where we were supposed to get off, and the driver told us we had passed that a long time ago and to just stay on the bus. After some more time, the driver stopped and had a break, and he told us that Google Maps had given us very bad directions (it had apparently told us to cross a highway), and that we would get run over if we stopped where it told us to and walked to the hotel. He said he would take us back to the airport and we could take a shuttle to our hotel. He also said that if we were in an unfamiliar area we should tell the bus drivers where we needed to go so they would know where to stop. Overall he was very friendly, and we were very grateful to him.

At the airport, he dropped us off in an area that didn't have any obvious shuttle stops. We did see a Marriott sign near some construction and hoped that it was our Marriott (since there were four or five nearby). When the shuttle came, it turned out that it wasn't our Marriott after all, but the shuttle driver was extremely nice and told us to just get on and he'd take us to where we needed to wait for our shuttle. He was such a friendly, upbeat guy, I felt a lot better.

By the time we got to our hotel it was almost midnight. After the several hours of stress it took to get us there, my boyfriend decided that public transit was not worth it and he just rented a car. We picked it up from the Newark Airport Hertz in the morning and just drove to Hoboken every morning for the rest of the trip and parked there, then used the PATH train to go to New York.

I'll post the picture of my meetup with ikimashokie in the next entry.

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