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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Bring our illusion to a conclusion
with all our unsold dreams
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Holding on to everything
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I feel like I might be sort of a... memory/emotion hoarder? I have this strong desire to record everything in some way to keep it. Even the painful things.

Especially the painful things?

It's sort of a self-administered exposure therapy, I guess. I don't throw away the things that hurt, I just make myself relive them over and over again until they don't hurt anymore.

I have been holding this stuffed alligator a lot in the past few days. It doesn't feel as significant as it did the first time. I don't feel sad just by looking at it.

One day, when I'm dead, my family will go through my stuff and not know the reasons I kept all the things that were meaningful to me. It'll all just seem like random junk (ha). And they'll throw out the things that once made me feel. Even if they keep some of it, they won't know the story behind it. The vast majority of my memories will die with me. Everything I never shared will be gone, and the things I shared and recorded will decay with time. My entire existence is inconceivably insignificant in the time scale of the universe.

(Things I think about a lot but don't talk about)

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Again with this
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
My OKC profile very explicitly says I don't want to date. Occasionally I'll get messages that start out well and then start to turn flirty.


---

A social psychologist came to school today and gave a short talk during our lunch break. He gave us a choice between perceived partner authenticity and mortality salience. I thought both were interesting, but most people voted for perceived partner authenticity.

Essentially, perceived partner authenticity is what it sounds like. How authentic you perceive your partner to be. High PPA is associated with higher relationship satisfaction and more interpersonal trust, commitment etc. Lower PPA is, as you might expect, associated with lower relationship satisfaction and less interpersonal trust and so on and so forth. The interesting thing is, your partner doesn't actually have to be authentic, you just have to perceive them as being so.

I mean obviously it's better to... authentically be authentic, but yeah. I had low PPA in my last relationship. :\ That wasn't the only problem, but it was definitely a factor.

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Amadeus
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I went to see the play Amadeus at a theatre downtown today with Fro. Unfortunately I forgot I was supposed to go, so I was sitting in my pajamas at the computer when she called me and asked where I was. Had to quickly get dressed and get my dad to take me there. Luckily I didn't miss too much, and I've seen the movie anyway.

After the play we went to a Greek place to eat. She kept saying she was excited, because apparently she loves Greek food. I think I should have gotten less food for myself, because I couldn't finish what I had... Regardless, we stayed there for several hours just talking about stuff. It was really nice. I told her about recent developments with the breakup, and she listened without giving (too much) advice. She seemed pleased that I took her suggestion to document positive parts of my day.

I've been feeling really tired these past couple days. Right now I have a paper to do and some reading I need to finish for tomorrow, but I wish I could just go to bed.

---

Recently I've had some interesting philosophical/political discussions on OKC. I've missed talking about stuff like that. Of course, there have also been some annoying people who clearly didn't read my profile and thus get annoyed when I tell them I don't want to go out with them. It's kind of a shame when we have a decent conversation and then suddenly they're like "so... you want to get coffee?" or something similar. It's written very unambiguously on my profile that I do not want dates. -__- I kind of just want to have some cool conversations here and there. The whole romantic intention thing just makes things awkward and weird.

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3:16 [What the box was wrapped in]
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The gala is tomorrow night~
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I got my first payment today from that guy I'm coaching. He just sent me cash through the mail. Yay money!

After class today I went walking around the track at school with a few friends. Two of them were actually jogging, but three were mostly walking. We went around the track a few times and then decided to try jogging... Made it about 3/4 of the way before the two guys I was running with got tired. XD I was getting kind of out of breath too, but mostly because the air was very dry and it was hurting my throat.

Like the title says, the gala is tomorrow night. I'm carpooling with Alex and Vicky. Hopefully it doesn't rain all over us. The gala is indoors, but it'll suck if the rain catches us on our way in.

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Genuine interest
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
So, I'm getting paid $20/hour to talk to this guy on Skype and help him with his social skills (specifically, talking to girls). The way he acts, I suspect he might be autistic or something. I've never met anybody who was so awkward. He'll interject random responses into the conversation that break up the flow and in some cases make things uncomfortable. For example, we did a roleplay in which I was a girl in a nightclub and he approached me, and it went like this:

Him: I like that red dress you're wearing.
Me: Oh thanks, yeah I saw it on sale and it was just so cute I had to get it.
Him: I can already TELL you're a daddy's GIRL.
Me: ...What?

(He puts emphasis on words when it doesn't make sense, so a lot of what he says ends up sounding really forced)

I was trying to explain to him that it would help if he could show genuine interest in the girl. People really notice when you sincerely find them interesting and generally are flattered by it. When I mentioned genuine interest though, he said "yeah my old teacher said I was a bad listener too." (No kidding! He didn't even understand what I just said)

Anyway, I felt like this applies to the relationship I just got out of. I rarely felt like he was genuinely interested in me or what I had to say. Whether or not he was interested was debatable, but if he was interested, his actions didn't show it. He didn't really seem to care about any of my interests, or the things I learned at school. I also gave him the link to my blog and he never bothered to read it outside of one or two times. I often felt like there was nothing about me individually that was special to him. Of course, when I asked, he would talk about how I was special and he couldn't just replace me, but he didn't really have reasons for what differentiated me besides "you're intelligent" and "I like the combination of your idiosyncrasies" (that doesn't tell me anything???). There are lots of people who are intelligent. That by itself doesn't mean a whole lot. I think compliments mean more when they really can't describe a whole lot of other people. So, things that are both sincere and unique.

When I really care about someone, I want to know what they find interesting and what they think about things. I guess that before, I took for granted that my partner would reciprocate that. It's more important than I realized, so I hope that the next time I'm in a relationship, I have that. Genuine interest.

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Getting paaaaaaaaaiddddd
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
I'm helping a guy improve his social skills through Skype and he's paying me $20 an hour! We just had our first session (half an hour) and so far so good. It's going to take me awhile to get that hat though, at this rate... The other gigs I'm doing are taking kind of a long time to happen so I guess I'll just have to wait. -__-

Nothing really happened today I think? Except that I gained ~1 lb since yesterday. >_> Probably water weight I guess. Never thought I'd be disappointed to weigh 113 lbs. All that ice cream and mac and cheese and candy!

I feel like I generally just feel pretty good when I'm 115 lbs or lighter. I wish I had a workout buddy though. My arms need some toning... I'm supposed to be training for a 9k run in autumn with my mom and we haven't started yet. >_> I know it's not really that long, but I never run anymore, only bike, so I should work on that.

Oh, I almost forgot! An old... friend(?) got back into contact with me, so we might hang out. My recent ex and I went hiking with him and his now-ex girlfriend some time ago. Gotta find something to do...

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Easter...
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Easter was pretty uneventful I guess. We had lunch with my aunt's family and my mom's friend's family and hid eggs for my mom's friend's two kids.

I found out my gig didn't actually fall through, but it needs to be rescheduled. Sooooo yay for that?

I JUST REALIZED I HAVE A PACKET OF GOLDFISH IN MY BAG!! Yay, now I have something to munch on while I do my reading for school. :D

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