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Memores acti prudentes futuri


No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
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Inscribing Ardi
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The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
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Medium Large
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Monsterhood
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The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
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The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
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Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
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Subnormality
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
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Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
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Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
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Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
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Minimalism Sucks
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Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
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One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
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Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
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Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
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Thermohalia
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Ugly Girl
YU + ME
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Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
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Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
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Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
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Looky here
free counters
So this guy I don't know just started messaging me...
Friday, August 30, 2013
Him: How was your day?
Me: Fine.
Him: Nice. What are your plans for the long weekend?
Me: Probably just going to hang out with friends.
Him: Are you going to be in San Jose? My buddy is having a party Sunday. What's your number? You seem interesting and I would like to get to know you better.
Me: I'm not really interested in going to a party or giving you my number, sorry.
Him: Good, because I didn't want to get you pregnant.
Me: ...How is that even relevant?

He is a pickup artist I think.

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Sheltered shock [2P]
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Embedding disabled by request
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Can't post the video itself here, but I thought this was pretty good:

Who's Gonna Save My Soul

I feel like I've been in this weird state for awhile where I can't tell if I'm emotionally healthy or unhealthy.

I don't feel particularly depressed anymore, I guess, but life just seems... kind of bland? And yet I don't pay that much attention to it, aside from the stray pondering here and there.

"Didn't there used to be something more to this?"

It kind of sucks that most of my creative inspiration seems to come from being unhappy. I'm not sure I'm actually capable of writing not-depressed poetry with any sincerity to it.

In other news, Lucy suggested we go out to karaoke sometime. I've never done karaoke before, so the prospect is a bit daunting... And I'm not sure what songs I would sing. I'm not sure what I both know well enough and have the range to sing.

...Or what I wouldn't feel embarrassed singing.


Never me another girl like you
Work me over
Never met another girl like you
Drag me under
If I meet another girl like you
I will tell her
Never want another girl like you
Have to say

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Memory vs records
Sunday, August 25, 2013
It's very strange to me that when I look back at my old entries from a few years ago they don't give the impression that I was depressed at all. Well, not the ones I looked at just now, anyway.

Of course, my journal and other private blogs (as small as Nutang is, I do consider this my public blog) might say otherwise.

I guess the poetry I wrote when I was in high school is probably the best indicator of my depressive state at the time.

It's... so... bad... >_<

Kind of interesting to see the progression of themes though.

2005: Sad, some self pity
2006: Anger (at self and others), some confusion, uncertainty, feelings of alienation
2007: Berating myself, desperate obsession
2008: ??? (Detachment?)
2009: Fear, self doubt, desire to escape, descent into nonsense
2010: Isolation, guilt, detachment, inability to relate, panic, emptiness, regret
2011: Resignation, dark humor, withdrawal
2012: Detached self observation

I haven't written much poetry this year.

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So, some elaboration
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I guess I'll try to recap some stuff to clarify what's going on in my life.

I was supposed to transfer to a state university this fall after finishing up at a community college. I attended the orientation, and the admitted students day, applied for housing, sent all my application materials... That's what I thought, at least.

The school was bad about communicating with me from the start. They don't send out any actual information in emails-- they send an email telling you to look at their online portal for messages in your inbox. So, in my inbox in the online portal, I had a bunch of messages telling me "the due date for housing applications/materials is ___!" and "the deadline for the writing skills test is ___!" but nothing about enrollment or whether or not I had secured housing.

(A fee for a bit more than $5400 just showed up in the portal one day. It said it was for housing, so I paid it, but they never informed me if I had gotten the apartment or when the move in date was, etc.)

About halfway through July I found out that I hadn't sent them a final transcript from St. John's. I was wondering why I couldn't enroll in any classes yet. (Instruction started today) That was my mistake, of course, and I take full responsibility for it.

BUT-- why didn't they ever tell me I was missing a transcript? They sent me tons of emails about everything I didn't need emails for (that is to say-- things I already finished and turned in).

So, I sent the transcript. And they finally let me enroll in classes a couple weeks later. But... whoops. Too late, all the classes I needed were completely filled up. I had the option of going in on the first day of school and trying to get the professors to add me, but that was definitely not going to be something I could count on to happen, especially with how impacted this school's budget is. Not only that, but I'm actually not allowed to enroll in anything I don't have to take to graduate, because of the budget cuts and the school trying to get people to graduate as fast as possible.

Plus... did I have housing? I didn't know. Nobody had the courtesy to tell me. They took my money and were completely silent about my housing situation except for emails about renting mini fridges. (No, I don't want a mini fridge, I just want to know if I got a school apartment or not, guys)

As you might imagine, I've been very stressed out about what I was going to do about my school situation for the past few weeks. I tried emailing and calling various people about what I could do, and none of them were helpful.

One of the calls went like this:
Me (calling general advising): Hi, I have a question... I couldn't enroll until very late, and all of the classes I need are completely filled up, so I was wondering if you know any ways I can salvage the situation?
Her: Oh, well, you should try talking to your major adviser to see if they know any classes you could take...
Me: Okay, well my major is psychology.
Her: Here's the number for the adviser: [number]
Me: Thanks!
[I dial the number]
Her: Hello, Sociology Department.
Me: Hi, I have a question... I was unable to enroll in classes until very late, so all the classes I need are completely filled up, but I just talked to a general adviser who gave me this number and told me I should talk to my major adviser about possible classes I could still take?
Her: Uh... we don't do advising until school starts.
Me: ......................Oh......................
Her: You could try talking to the director, she does advising. But you'd have to book an appointment and then you wouldn't get to see her for several weeks.
Me: ......Okay...... Well..... thanks....

One of the emails I sent got an auto-reply that said "I'm on vacation until September 21 and will not be answering any emails until then." (School started August 21, why are you on vacation until September???)

My dad was telling me I should still try to go to the school on the first day of class and see if I could convince some professors to add me. If I didn't have housing though, I was going to have to commute from home. I don't have a driver's license, so figuring out how that would work was added stress...

Anyway, we went down to the school and to the housing office, and the cashier there was like "oh, it says here you have an apartment. You should have gotten an email about that."

THANKS FOR EMAILING ME, GUYS. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

When I went to the registrar to say I wouldn't be attending the school this fall, the lady told me that I didn't really have to do anything but not enroll in classes... So, basically, since I couldn't get any classes to begin with, the school would've just dropped my admission status once school started.

After I got back from Hawaii, I remembered that this other school had been sending me emails about their undergrad program that they run through my community college (the school is a graduate school specializing in psychology, so they just rent out classrooms for the undergrad program). I applied to them and crossed my fingers, hoping that I wouldn't have to attend the school I originally planned to go to.

Instead of taking months to let me know if I had been admitted, they took a few days. And they were easy to contact and didn't make me want to kill everybody.

So I'm not dropping out of college, I'm just not going to the school I originally planned to go to. (I have so many angry things to say about that school)

The new school only let me know yesterday that I had been accepted, hence my uncertainty in my last post. If I didn't get accepted (I'm not sure how that would have happened, given my 3.98 GPA), I was planning to just find a job for the term and try applying to different schools in the meantime.

I think that about covers the situation. Those of you who read this wall of text, now you know what's up! :P

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Changes
Monday, August 19, 2013
Today I went to the school I was supposed to be transferring to this fall and filled out the paperwork for a refund from Housing and withdrew from enrollment.

It was one of the least stressful days I've had in the past week.

I'm not entirely sure what will happen though.

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Some pictures from New York 3
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Email from my uncle
Thursday, August 15, 2013
My uncle mentioned that he had a CD of some music that a DJ had given him, and I was curious so I asked him about it and he said he could link me. This is the email he sent:

Hi [RJ],

Here's some of Alex's work:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=ytff1-msgr&p=jamaster%20a%20youtube&type=

His most famous work is "Bells of Tienaman" which you might find on YouTube.

He specializes in "Trans" music played at clubs. In Asia, I think a lot of people take drugs and dance to this kind of music, even though drug dealing may be punishable by death in those parts.

Uncle ____

---

I don't know if he was told the music was called "Trans" or if he misheard "trance" but I'm fairly certain it's the latter.

---

I saw my boyfriend last night for the first time since I've been back. We went to see Elysium at the nearby AMC. It was... okay. Afterward you start noticing tons of plot holes, but I guess that's just most movies these days.

When the movie was done and we were at his apartment I asked him a bunch of hypothetical questions, like I used to do back in high school. We got onto the subject of what he would do if he had control over other people's hair (growing it, making it fall off) and talked about hilarious ways to use that power for revenge.

For instance, making someone think they're going bald, or dropping off one of their eyebrows one day and then making it regrow overnight but dropping the other one off, or making one of their nose hairs suddenly grow twenty feet long.

It was a fun conversation, and I think hair manipulation would be a terrible but very funny super power.

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