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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Half formed thoughts on agency and right
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I'm not sure I think there are truly evil people in the world. I think that everyone, given the ability to make a true choice, does what they think is right. At first I was debating whether I should use that word (as opposed to "good") because of complications that could arise from trying to define the concept of "right" but I'm going to assume that people will generally understand what I'm saying without me having to spell it out.

So yeah, I think people do what they think is right, and "evil" just stems from differences in perceptions/understandings of what right is.

I was thinking about this in the context of people who have "wronged" me. I mentioned to my friend Alex at school that I was worried for the well-being of someone whom he knows treated me badly in the past, and he just paused and said "You're a good person." On my way home I thought about what that meant and why he said it. I don't hate the person I was talking about for what they did. I think that they were doing what they thought was "right" for the situation. If they had had a conception of how it would really affect me and the consequences branching from that, I don't think they would have done it. I guess some people would see my view on this as forgiveness.

Intent is important, I think, when considering mistakes. I mentioned in a previous post (The road to Hell is paved with good intentions) that I felt like intent wasn't enough by itself to justify recognition or praise, and I'm standing by that. Still, when someone does something "bad" I feel like it's important to consider why they thought what they did was right within their worldview. That's not to say that everything anybody does is hunky dory and we should just try to understand people and never condemn their actions, but I guess I just think that knowing what went into a particular action helps... settle your mind? I can't think of a good way to phrase that right now.

Even in instances where people do something they later regret, I think that in order to complete the action they do have to truly believe for a moment that it's the right thing to do, unless they're forced to do it, of course (but again, with true choice there should be no forcing). And with serial killers and people like that, I feel like they think what they're doing is "right" given the information and capacities they have. Maybe they have a stunted sense of empathy and can't actually conceptualize the pain/suffering they're causing, or they feel like the benefits of their behavior outweigh the costs, I don't know. In any case I do feel like we're not all operating with the same sense of right or wrong, and that seems like an obvious thing to say but I get the impression that a lot of people just don't internalize what a range of understanding of those concepts there can be.

I don't know if I really have a concluding point to this. Regardless of whether everyone is doing what they think is right, I do think some actions should be penalized. I also think there's a lot of room for forgiveness though and that the process of forgiving is aided by recognizing intent and the many facets of worldview that build a person's sense of right and wrong.

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Freezing conversations
Sunday, November 23, 2014
I went to a friend's birthday party last night. We had dinner at a pizza place and then went to a bar. Since I don't drink, that pretty much meant that I got to stand around and try to yell over the music and noise while the people I was with got intoxicated. It was crowded and smelled kinda weird and the music was too loud and it wasn't music I liked. For awhile I contemplated telling my friend that I was tired and was going to go home, but I ended up waiting it out, and I'm glad I did.

After the bar we went to a more nightclub-ish place and danced a bit, and then my friend Ben and I went outside and talked for a good while. Just talked about life, our parents, being a good person vs. being a good parent, fast food, his brother... Eventually we went back inside, but couldn't find the birthday girl or the other people in our party, and so assumed they left without us. Turned out they were still around though (luckily, since she left her stuff in his car), so we all hung out a little more on the sidewalk. After they left he walked me back to my car (that is to say, my parents' van) and we stood there and talked more. They turned off all the lights in the area where I parked, so it was pretty dark, but the streetlights away from the parking structure sort of dimly illuminated where we were.

It was very cold and late but the conversation was good and I think if it hadn't been so cold it would have gone on longer. Again, we mostly talked about life. The difficulty of finding a good friend, social troubles that characterize our generation, views on relationships with people, the absurdity and beauty of everything. We agreed that life is absurd and meaningless but good. I was worried about some things and he told me to remember that I'm a good person and that people think I'm nice to be around and enjoy my company.

We really don't talk that often, and especially not in any deep way, but I valued that conversation and, as always, feel extremely grateful to have friends in my life whom I can talk to in that way, even if it's only occasionally. We don't see eye to eye on everything and aren't that similar in many ways, but they're supportive and they listen and sometimes that matters more than a lot of the other stuff.

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Domino effect
Saturday, November 22, 2014

Feels like the first one fell when I started college and they've been falling ever since.

And even though I know there's not a single path and things aren't linear like that, that sense is still there.

I could try to go back and pick some of them up, but there are too many down and I can't stop the chain. And anyway, they've already fallen.

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Friday, November 21, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Nice things!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
It rained today! When I left after my shift tonight I walked out of the building and the air smelled amazing. Like birch beer in a rain forest. The scent changed as I focused on it. At first it was sweet and woody and earthy in equal measures but then the woodiness became more prominent, so it smelled more deep and sawdusty.

Then when I was driving home there were songs I knew the words to on the radio and I sang along with them and I could sing as loudly as I wanted because I was in the car by myself. (The one real perk of driving, I think)

And I got home and decided to go outside and jump rope a bit since I haven't used my jump rope much, and I did that and it got tiring very quickly because I never really jump rope or uh really work out or anything, but it felt nice. And when I paused I looked around me and the plants had little tiny droplets of rain hanging off them that made it look like diamonds were growing all over my yard.

AND I got to have Ethiopian food today twice because we had leftovers from last night.

AND this morning I found out that my waist was 1.5 inches smaller than the last time I measured.

AND I had a short but pleasant videochat before my shift.

Many nice things indeed.

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Can't remember if I posted this song before
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Oh well, if it's a repeat, so be it.

You don't look interested in what I just said
If you're not listening then don't nod your head

Jonathan Coulton is perhaps my favorite artist? If we're thinking about it terms of sheer quantity.

Even though I'm not a great singer I like singing along to this one:

Now everything is standing still
It was only my head that made it revolve
Everything was fine until it was awful instead
Now watch me dissolve

Wednesday's gonna be busy. :\ Internship, appointment, crisis line... -Sigh-

Sometimes I feel trapped, because I want to talk to people but they leave and I feel like I can't ask them to stay. I'm not bound by facticity or anything, only (over?) consideration and social mores. Sometimes I get paralyzed while silently weighing my choices and by the time I pick it's too late.

Ah, interaction is so difficult. I suppose it's only fear that holds me back. Not to say there aren't real consequences to saying some of the things I don't. Nothing unbearable though... in the sense that I'm likely to live through whatever happens.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I'm in a really really weird mood. I feel like I need to do something. Like run around. Or punch stuff. Or open my mouth and like scream until a laser beam shoots out.

I have no idea why. It's a restless sort of feeling, it's energetic but I also feel kind of mentally tired. What what what is going on?

I kinda want to make stuff and I kinda want to find new stuff and watch movies and read books and listen to music and punch things still and like punt something into the sky.

Some of these things may be more achievable than others.

On Friday I'm supposed to do some in-field work with my client. Basically that means I have to follow him around in a night club and listen to his awkward-as-hell conversations with random ladies as he attempts to seduce them. Many laughs shall be had, I'm sure. I'm thinking I might ask a friend to go along with me though, if possible. For my parents' comfort more than anything else really.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I invited Frosan to come to my family's gathering. I'm kind of excited for that. I'm planning to make mac and cheese (of course), spinach ricotta pie, and browned butter mashed potatoes. Usually I make the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving but I always find them extremely boring so this year I thought it might be nice to switch things up. Browned butter is so good~

Hmm. Now in addition to the other things I want to do, I want to cook stuff. I'm looking through my list of bookmarked recipes (and believe me, there are a lot) and I've hardly made any of them. I should fix that.


These Irish soda farls look really easy too. Maybe something to do for breakfast in the future?

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Strange contrasts
Monday, November 17, 2014
I always find it weird when I see someone singing a sad song while looking cheerful. I was listening to "Low Down Man" by Squirrel Nut Zippers (revisiting old goodies) and there was a cover of it in the Youtube search results. I won't post it because it wasn't good, but it was just weird how cheerful the people in the video looked.

For reference, this is the song:

And lyrics...
That low down man of mine
Mistreats me all the time
He says he loves me only
Then turns around and leaves me
Sad and lonely

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he would never be
That low down man of mine

That low down man with his low down ways
I know he'll go some day
I'll wait till then, this story's ending
It won't be long but from now on

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he would never be
That low down man of mine

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he'd come back to me
That low down man

At the same time though, I guess I do like some upbeat sad songs. So I dunno, maybe it shouldn't be weird to me.

I wonder what the writer of this song was thinking when they wrote it? I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that the woman is calling the man "low down" because he left her or if she thinks he's low down but wants him to come back despite that.


A Berstrip.

It's 1:27 AM and I kind of wish I had someone to go out for a walk with.

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