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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Aw yeah, friendstuffs
Monday, March 30, 2015
I'm going to hang out with that guy I mentioned in a previous entry! We have not worked out 100% of the details yet but it's pretty exciting that we're in the planning stages. Things have been going well in our conversations, which is cool.

I've been having a nice time with my boyfriend this break too. We got a large pizza yesterday and I think that between today and yesterday, he has eaten more than half of it, but that's probably for the best. He wants to gain weight so he can get buff. I just want to stay slim, so I shouldn't be stuffing my face with pizza. :P Or at least, not too much pizza, I guess. Food food food. We also got Godiva soft serve, which as I may have mentioned, is super delicious. Mmm junk food.

On Saturday we were out for lunch and we saw this round old white guy who had a major amount of swagger when he walked. I wish I could have taken a video. Other than the walk, the guy looked like he could be a business exec in like, maybe the 80s.

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One more term [2P]
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Stuck in the shade
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
"Happy Idiot" by TV on the Radio.

This song reminds me of how I felt about happy people when I was a teenager. I thought they must just be stupid or ignorant, because there was obviously too much bad in the world to be happy if you actually knew about it or understood it.

It's a bit strange, I guess, to think about that now. The world hasn't gotten better since I had that attitude-- if anything, maybe it's gotten worse-- but I feel a lot more positive about it regardless.

I'm looking forward to being done with this week and finals. Gonna hang out with my boyfriend for a few days, maybe we'll do something fun together. Or just... play video games and cuddle. Who knows. He said he has a surprise for me. :3

That guy I started talking to wasn't on tonight, but I'm hoping we'll get to chat again soon. I'd like to talk to him about a part of his profile... Something he put in his "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section that I think a lot about too. I'm sure there are other people who think about it, but I've never seen it on someone else's profile before. Recently I've been browsing profiles and have seen some things that I really relate to, and it makes me wonder if I should make my profile less vague. Perhaps I would attract more like-minded people if I actually said things on it... Talking about oneself is hard, though.

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Just happy [DP]
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Peeps chat
Saturday, March 21, 2015
"Sinzing Sunset Boulevard" by Moodorama.

I have been listening to this song a lot. It's very... calming.

When you appeared, suddenly I saw myself again
Nobody knew who I was, not even me
Did I find me, or another us? Who knows?
But I don't care anymore


Me: We used to have yelling contests in elementary school and I never won.
Boyfriend: Wow, you suck.
Me: We didn't have them for very long because the yard duty teacher would tell us to stop.
Boyfriend: Haha
Boyfriend: That is not surprising.
Boyfriend: You annoying little brats.
Me: My elementary school is surrounded by houses so hopefully nobody thought we were being murdered.
Boyfriend: They were probably hoping you were getting murdered so then you'd stop screaming.
Me: You're such a grumpus
Boyfriend: Why thank you.
Boyfriend: I just try to be the best I can.


I've been visiting 99% matches on OKC. So far, a few of them have messaged me, which is cool. One of them seems fairly interesting, and has been replying a lot. This other conversation with a guy in Canada was promising but went downhill kinda fast. He's sort of boring and isn't doing much to keep the conversation going. It got to "so, how come you don't drink?" (we're both teetotalers) and then... yeah. Stagnant. Oh well.


Me: Your Twitter talk made me want to look at mine.
Matt: Why am I not stalking you?
Matt: What is yours?
Me: Haha, I don't use it for very interesting things.
Matt: I don't care. I need to stalk you in all venues

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Just TMF songs
Thursday, March 19, 2015
"When You're Old and Lonely" by The Magnetic Fields.

When you're old and lonely
And the rush of life is past
Days go by too slowly and
The years go by too fast

When your golden loneliness is
Heavier than stone
You can call me up and say,
"My God, I'm all alone, all alone."

"Heroes" by The Magnetic Fields.

Though nothing will keep us together
We could steal time, just for one day
We can be heroes, forever and ever
What do you say?

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Wednesday, March 18, 2015
At my crisis line shift, I talked to a 14 year old kid who had attempted suicide by cutting. Like, attempted literally right before calling, I guess. The kid was trying to stem the flow of blood with a towel while we were on the phone. Wouldn't give me an address or anything, only a phone number, so all I could do was pass the phone number on to the fire department and hope things worked out.

Right before my shift ended, the kid called me back and said my alias faintly. When I said "Hello? [Kid's name]?" the kid hung up.

I felt pretty shaken when I was driving home, and for awhile after getting home.

I feel better now though. I ate some Goldfish and listened to music and looked at pictures of my boyfriend because why not, sometimes that makes me feel better for some reason.

Of course, I hope the kid is okay, but the reality is that I'll probably never know. I guess I should just be grateful that I can bounce back so quickly. Something like this would probably stick with a lot of people. I'm taking the fact that it did impact me as a good thing. It means I'm not desensitized. So I still feel stuff, and things get to me, but they don't have a lasting negative effect.

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Reestablishing contact
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
In the IRC chat I've been going to, I ran into a guy I knew from a chatroom several years ago. It was a bit surreal catching up. He lives in San Francisco now, and just broke up with his girlfriend. They were together for two years and apparently she just decided she'd rather sleep with some random guy from a bar than continue their relationship. He's understandably hurt and bitter because of it, but he's doing his best to move on.

He said he will probably come back to the chat, so maybe we will get to talk again. I was feeling kind of bad myself before we talked about his situation, but my own bad feelings were kind of displaced by my sadness and shock about his situation.


After class today, I went to see a documentary about domestic violence. It was very heavy and kind of graphic and I cried a bit several times during it, but I tried very hard not to let anybody see. Sometimes I didn't even know why I wanted to cry. The whole thing was just really hard-hitting. I ended up drinking a ton of water, which seemed to help prevent me from going from "eyes watering a lot" to "straight up crying" during the movie. It made that feeling go away at least, the one where you feel like something is caught in your throat.

The second half of school today was kind of just hard in general. In my last class the lecture was about intimate partner violence and rape. Generally unpleasant stuff. Even though it was kind of dry and academic it was still not fun to hear about. And then the documentary afterward... well... I wasn't feeling great when I got home.

I'm really tired now, but I stayed up late talking to that guy from the chat. Even though I wanted to go to sleep, I didn't want to stop chatting. He went to sleep a bit ago though, so I guess I might as well sleep now too.

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