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Memores acti prudentes futuri


No shadows will replace the warmth of your contact
love is dead in Metropolis
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
I wish you wouldn't
Friday, March 14, 2014
"When are you going to stop taking Romeo to get medication?"

My parents might as well be asking me

"When do you want to let him die?"

I wish they would stop.

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Going gone
Thursday, March 13, 2014
You know, I think you told me
You have a new name now

---

Measuring my life in late night conversations and still moments. These are the memories that remain. The days are fading into bright blurs, they're missing details.

That day on Broadway, walking by myself past the grocery stores. This is a memory in third person, and I watch myself draw closer. My perspective is unable to shift in the scene. I was alone. I wasn't worried. I was happy?

Why aren't more of my memories in first person?

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2290
Friday, March 7, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Being "smart"
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I was relatively laidback in high school when it came to grades. I never got any final grades below a B that I can recall, but I was pretty content with Bs. As were cool, but not something I really stressed about.

Now I'm a straight A student, and I stress a lot about maintaining that.

There was this study done about neuroplasticity in the depression recently-ish. If you don't know what neuroplasticity is, basically it's this idea that our brains change and adapt. Our neurons form connections with each other which are strengthened by repeated exposure or weakened by lack of exposure to particular things. Anyway, this study found that depressed people have less neuroplasticity, which means they have more trouble adapting (and therefore learning).

In a way that can perpetuate depression, because it kind of impedes a person from making new connections/associations. This is why it is pretty useless to tell people who have depression to cheer up or be more optimistic. Their brains just can't make that shift easily. You get stuck in this puddle of pessimism and it's hard to see things any other way.

I'm wondering if this neuroplasticity thing affected my grades in high school at all, or if it was just other factors in my life. I was depressed throughout my high school years, but at the same time, that was kind of my "first time" experiencing depression, even if it never really ended for years. I hadn't developed good coping mechanisms yet, so maybe things just affected me more then.

Even though I know I've had depressive episodes since high school, in my mind they don't compare to how I felt back then. I don't know if this is just because I've learned how to handle them better or if things really just were worse. In any case, since my second semester of college, I've been getting nothing but As (with the disappointing exception of two A-s). So I guess the (unanswerable) question is, am I less depressed now than I was in high school? And related to that, is my brain more plastic now than it was? Does that factor in to why I'm achieving more?

There are too many factors to really know, though. I mean, I'm more motivated now, I guess. In senior year of high school I started getting some esteem boosts from getting good grades and recognition from teachers. (Well, technically it started in junior year I guess, but I think it had a bigger impact in senior year) I work harder now than I did in high school. Back then I would put the minimum possible effort in to get a B. Now I put the effort in to get as close to perfect as possible when I can. My perception of myself has also changed. I don't view myself as inferior to everyone around me anymore. In a (somewhat horrifying?) twist of fate, my classmates perceive me as possibly the smartest person in the class. My school friends routinely check their answers against mine to verify them, and I get asked a lot of questions about our course material.

What's weirder to me is that I actually KNOW the answers to most of these questions. In high school my motto could've been "I don't know." Now I find myself telling people that not only do I know, but I can explain it to them so they understand. It's strange to be confident about things. Even though it was over three years ago now, the memory of being confused and fearful is still very fresh in my memory. It's hard to forget being afraid to walk because you don't know if the ground in front of you is real or not. It's strange to feel like I CAN know things.

This post is getting kind of ramble-y. And this question is like "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" "Which came first, a brain change or a behavior/perspective change?"

I guess all I can really say is that my life is different, and I'm different. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. I'm less overwhelmed now, but I also feel less creative and expressive. I think I'm more externally focused and less internally focused. (Might have to do with why I post less these days than I used to)

Anyway, that's it, I think. There aren't a lot of thoughts I feel are blog-worthy anymore, but this is something I wanted to keep.

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Dream eighty something...
Monday, March 3, 2014
I keep a list of dream notes on my tablet. It's not comprehensive, since sometimes I don't bother to record my dreams, but it has over eighty dreams in it now.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a tiny chapel, the size of a large bedroom maybe, the walls of which were all painted a bleak charcoal grey color. There was an arched wooden double door to my right that led out to a small graveyard out front, and ahead of me was a wooden table with benches where a couple people were sitting. There was no wall behind it, just an open space you could see overcast sky and dead grass from. I bought some sort of service or food and sat at the table, then decided I should give some money to the people around me. At this point I was a man with brown hair and a moustache and a cowboy hat, sort of like Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club I guess. My wallet had sixteen dollars in it, but I knew I could take the money out and close it and it would refill itself. Something bad had happened to the world and it seemed like I ought to be generous with my money while it still meant anything.

I went into the graveyard as the man, and then I was a different person, though he was still there. He had an axe and he was crazy, he was killing people, he was coming after me. At first I thought he only wanted to kill people with certain characteristics, because he was distracted by someone outside who was a server, but after he had killed everyone in his way he came after me again. I ran out of the graveyard onto the sidewalk, then into the street. He kept following me. I ran along the road for awhile, stopping periodically to try to catch my breath and look behind me. He got closer and closer, and it seemed like he wasn't tiring even though I was. I tried to run in such a way that he would follow me and get hit by a car, but the car that was coming missed him. Occasionally he would stop if I stopped, but if I tried to run in a different direction he wouldn't be tricked and he would cut me off. I did this a few times, and then stopped and tried to run back to where I had come from, but he caught me. I think he killed me.

In the future, a group of people (I was a different person, but in the group) got together to try to kill the man who had been terrorizing them for so long. He had killed many of us, but we resolved to end it before anyone else died. Some of us lured him to a clearing near the chapel, and we surrounded him and decapitated him. His head fell to the ground, and there was no flesh in it. It was completely hollow and filled with huge squirming maggots. They began to crawl out of the head and we stomped on them with a mixture of fear and disgust. The leader of the group told us it wouldn't truly be over until we got every last one.

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Valentine's gifts and other things
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
This entry is pretty late, but here are the presents my boyfriend got me for Valentine's Day:

At the Jack of All Trades Market, there was a bag that I really liked, but when I asked the vendor how much it was, she said it was $120. Way out of my price range. I was kind of disappointed, but I didn't think much of it I guess. Later, my boyfriend asked me how much I liked that bag... Turns out he drove back to Oakland and got it for me! Since he asked me, I figured he had gotten it, but I thought he just ordered it or maybe secretly bought it when we were at the market. (Oakland is ~40 minutes away from us by car, for reference. Not exactly around the corner!)

He also bought me a box of chocolates from the market!

They were made by a local person and came in two flavors. The heart-shaped ones are passionfruit caramel, and the crescent ones, which I ate all up, were cookie crunch (speculoos).

The gifts were very nice, but when he gave them to me he kind of just handed them to me, like "here, I got you stuff." He feels like I don't appreciate his gifts, because although he buys expensive things (which I don't ask for and have repeatedly told him I don't need o_o), his presentation isn't great... I mean it's nice to get things, but it detracts from the experience if the stuff just gets shoved into your hands and then the gift-giver stands there and stares at you expectantly. He often tells me what he's getting me beforehand too, so it's hard for me to feel excited with anticipation, because I know far in advance what the gift is.

This kind of used to happen with my ex. It would take him ~7 hours to drive to my house from down south, and I would be really excited for the first two hours or so. Then the night would drag on and I would get kind of tired and the excitement would wear off, so that by the time he actually showed up, I didn't seem to care much, and he would feel disappointed by my reaction.

Maybe some people can sustain feelings of excitement for a long time, but I can't. :/ Not if I know exactly what will happen, anyway. I think there has to be at least some surprise or unknown involved, and that's what the actual exciting part is.

Anyway, some other pictures...

Someone wrote on a wall.


I think this person tried to remove their bumper sticker, which seems ironic.


Cici doing her thing, being cute.


Romeo hanging out on the rope perch the vet gave me. He doesn't really come out of the cage anymore, for some reason. :\

He used to come out all the time, even when he was supposed to be sleeping. Now, if I take him out, he just goes right back into the cage... I guess he seems healthy, at least.

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The correct response [2P]
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Mostly pictures of food
Monday, February 10, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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