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My worlds shadow
Friday. 11.5.04 10:51 pm
"fight the fight worth fighting for, fight for your life, don't let them win."

Not long ago i had said that to a person who needed all the help in the world.

Not long ago, i set up a world in which i abide in.



I made more revelations. More thoughts were passed.

Jess you'll catch everything that i'm saying so. yeah.

He treated me like shit. Everybit of it. I took it like a little bitch. and savored every minute of it. The whole sub dom thing, yeah he was the sub for her and well, i was his toy. he was her toy and i was his toy. Wow, i really didn't know what to do when he treated me like that. he was an asshole the more i think about it but thats all i knew. thats what i loved, that was it. and now that i've created a pattern after him, i've put my self in positions for people (well, people that i like or am attracted to, or that i at least to some degree talk to on a daily basis) to treat me like shit. I don't know how to function anyother way. When i'm put in predicaments that make me go through turmoil, or pain, or what ever it might be it's cause i seek that out. ITs part of my pattern. Its because of him. Wow, so much do i realize right now. its so much for my head to comprehend. I can see so many people that i have personally sought out to be friends with that possess traits that are exactly like him. Wow, so many, so many. Even you. wtf.

Alot of my pattern i knew about but didnt really want to confront. and i didn't see this before because whenever it pertained to me, i ran. of course. but still... wow, that is completely insane. How do you break a pattern like that? I am automatically attracted to someone with his traits. There is no doubt. quiet, funny, intelligent, fucked up, evil, diabolical, i mean please, he was perfect. in all words perfect. and in all words completly wrong for me. All this time i have been searching for another person to be with that was him. I've been searching for someone, and they never compare. They never meet my expectations. they're never him. Thats why everytime it's fucked up because i'm trying to change a person or find a person in someone thats not them. The harder i look for someone the worse off i will be. I dont need someone who treats me like shit and whatnot. i do not need someone who can toy with my head as much as he did (no matter how much i love him) while i still grovel and pay tribute to his "mightness" haha. wow i am retarded.

Another thing. THe computer geek thing. whoa. I am attracted to those geeky little kids, who play computer games, who have no lives but lives within the games, and are incredibly intelligent who are fucking hillarious, and fucked up as shit. Yeah, i might as well be searching for his carbon copy. hah. what the hell is wrong with me.

Also, the insecurities. oh man, if your insecure, closed off, isolated, very warded with your emots, oh man, am i the girl for you. haha, its him. AGAIN. wtf. why the hell have i not seen this before. all of this shit i just him all over again. all of my friends, that i decently somewhat respect, all him. everysingle one of them. Not wholistically him but very much in a sense like him. Those kids were the most fucked up kids i will ever meet in my life. Also the kids who fit me perfectly. Yeah, so when i moved here i've just been searching for their replacement. this whole time, the reason i am friends with certain people. the reason i end up likeing these dueche bags, the reason i am friends with these assholes now, is because of him and them in general. I set a pattern in their shadow and now i see it. I don't know if i will ever get rid of it, but maybe i can get rid of some of it. some how i can slowly move out of that realm. Its so much. Dude, Strong, Ju, those kids, yeah, HIM ALL OVER AGAIN. Alec, yeah, haha, just people in general. the gaming dudes i know, why would i talk to them if i were normal? Why? yeah, its him....


I let him influence me SO much. I let him shape the way i feel and want things. THis is not right. this should not be. I'm looking at these kids i know and all i can see is how they are like him. When they annoy me, i know he would never be like that. No one will ever be him. NO one can match those standards. Strong i thought did it, until i got to know him better, and he didn't make the cut. Ju, i thought wow, really maybe even there, but even so, not what i thought. thinking about it now, they call posses traits that are him but they never get all of them. Ju too many morals haha, Strong not confident enough, ah, i found the perfect person. I allowed this to detrement me. I will never be able to shake these tendencies. I need to make competely different types of friends. I need to meet new people that don't mirror him. *sigh*

I also like the challenge the "game" cause thats what it was with him. a game, a challenge, one i knew that i would never win. i could never win b/c of her. Ever. So when i play the game i love it b/c i can't win alot, and when i do i hate it and drop the person the first second i figure out i won. If i can't have the person it's so much better. If i can easily, then they dont get a whip of my attention. This is all because of him and how i set so much of my early emots, love, feelings, real heart on him. way back in the day. wow, and after reading those passages, those long lost conversations, and reanaylzing my self (which i rarely do) i see so much now that i have never see. ITs like seeing the bit picture for the first time and realizing so much. I can't believe it but secretly knew all the time. Yeah... Man, i can think of so many people i just like... you don't even what to know... but b/c they reminded me of him. SICK.

I need to close this part of me. It is going to be damn hard. IT will be insane, and so much will be involoved. i've got spring break, i have to find out so much. i just need to know, and once i do, then it's time to delete and replace, and figure something else out. bc right now, it's just not working. maybe make a phone call, maybe send those letters.

The letters. Oh no... did i ever tell you? The only person i ever wrote to was him... haha, the only one i diligently kept up w. in writing. yeah, um... i still have alot of the letters cause i couldn't bring my self to send them... i need to read them now... i will. now...


uh.... how do you describe what you once were, a moment in time of the past, a feeling erased and now repainted. I just saw a bit of me that died. I just read something that took me back to a time when feelings really existed and my heart was made of flesh and not of this cold and distant lead. what happened to me?


I fought. I fought hard. with all my might, all my strenght, all my abilitys, my writings, my thoughts, my emots i let them fight for me. and in the end i was tired. in the end i allowed the beast to swallow me whole, driping the acid from it's teeth, savoring the purity of a child lost in inability. it was long ago that i lost my heart from a child of frolic and blind love. what i felt so much so deep was ripped slowly, painfully, and surly to ensure the finality, the distinct ending. It happened, and this is where i am, a different person from then. i can hardly relate now, hardly understand who that girl was, so torn, in such anguish, chains pulling her every which way ripping her to shreds, filling pools with tears, chasing them with blood, she was a child grown beyond her years, and lost within the fitful fights of society and their weapons, she was a lover, a kind and gentle soul who had a dark streak for the evil and contemptous. she was a girl though. a girl with smudged, burned, and tainted innocence. but a girl nonetheless.


i was scared. terrified, they bothered me because they weren't you. but still “it doesn’t help that he sometimes reminds me of you...” I was so different. over time i transformed, you can tell in the letters how i slowly gave up, gave up the revolution, gave up the anguish, and in turn took apathy over empathy. what happened to me? i cared so much, loved so many, and idealized life in all its paths. Now, well, now the acid has burned, the smoke heated, and my skin, toughened... so much has changed and within time more will come. i even prophesized the future, de javu in the past. Yes... i knew, but couldn’t tell.

the world and it’s ironies....




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The Weather hold great Magic
Wednesday. 11.3.04 7:56 pm
What if I let it pass me by, what if I let the lessons run unlearned? What if Ethan’s life was lived in vain? Can I really say that one way is the only way, well of course not but there are truths to be heeded and understood. Its all jazzy, man, sick and insane. Jazzy.


Have you ever had the weather kiss you? Have you felt the wind hug you? Or the warmth of the cold as it seeps through? Can you head the music made by him and you? There’s laughter ringing in the air and kisses made to be meant. What’s there to say there isn’t power or happiness? Possibility maybe all it is but potential there nonetheless; he makes me smile while understanding me inside all the while. How old can it be that something so treacherous actually be all that beautiful, learn the lessons that Wharton taught, listen to them for as long as you have sought, the answers to the questions with never-ending eyes searching. Breath in the air mystic strong and all together capable. It’s impossible to see the world as it can all be but maybe I’ll make a bit of my own world with borrowed soil and luck. Wish me all you have, I’ll need it when the time comes, what a sweet smile, what a wonder of mystery, I need to stop doing, well calculating, odd but true, let go of that nature of yours, hear the jazz play and you’ll be good for the time being…


^That was last night. Out side, the cold wind, the raining mist, and the beauty of the sky. Man do I miss being outside. Damp parks, deep nights, warm thoughts. Do I miss it. Man…

Today:

The broken shards of a bowl
Searching for something to console
The melting of the lead
In your heart leaving things unsaid
There’s a burning in your chest
Staring at the stark contrast
Its something you don’t understand
Just get up and take it by the hand
Don’t let the edges pierce of that steel
Take your time and patiently heal
Use the grandest of words maybe esoteric
But doesn’t that get repetitive and sometimes generic?
Think of that insight and maybe you’ll wish
For the last and final first and only kiss.

Good luck on it all
Jump and hope not to fall.

A lot of that I get. As to what it means and where I stand, yeah, I get. Whether or not anyone else catches, that’s for the world to tell. Tisn’t it?

I’m not going to fall for anyone until someone fall for me first.
- That just may be true. Sad but still true. So many words I could explain in but nothing for the depth needed. *sigh* lets just leave it as is and turn away for now. The poem is enough, the words above, a midway, a point, a segment. Something at least…

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Babble Babble
Monday. 11.1.04 9:49 pm


I really need to write this out. I feel as if my mind is going to burst but all of the talent has been sucked dry of me. Sick tisn’t it? Life and all of its peculiarities…

Wtf is wrong with this picture. Theres so much here that I think I’m going to puke.

“Got a Reputation, Got a destination… Get AwaYyyyyy….”

Good music. Odd thoughts. Feelings melting into oblivion.

They were dreaming of the dance, singing as they could dare. There were feelings searing both, running here and there. Lost forgotten words of love, remembering the worlds tide, Looking into their eyes, he on the left, she on the right side…
Don’t let the longing eat you; you’ll lose the words before its true. Sad, distinct, quiet, but no doubt unbearably true.
This is your fate, this is my faith, lets dance and let the water run, crying to the rain as it hides the sun.
The glass will let you see, what they dance to in the sea. Scream with wanting, to die consenting.
Let the gravel fall upon your ears, there are more much more to come within the years.
I leave you to be in your art and creation, for there will be a time for great damnation.

Enough.

I miss writing, I havn’t written in a long time and I can’t write any more, you see that shit up there. Yeah I wish I could still write. That up there is eh, just, so so bad. I can’t nm…

I was reading a love story, a sad one, you need to take life by the balls and the world by the hands, twirl with it and dance with it other wise you’ll end up a cripple, sad, demented, and no doubt unable to love. I wish upon no one the pain of failing for never trying, the misery.

I’m listening to a new kind of music. Different, nice, Shut eye records the low watt document. It’s a medley of bands, good and good.
Ok, damn good music. Here we go on the list. Shit… The ones I really like: John Brodeur, Science knows no sin, Squelch’s, Hurricane Jane, Second hand poets, Adams township, 6fg, I94, soundtrack mind, etc…
Ok, I’ve got a list now that I’m going to some how acquire. As hard as these bands are to get, I’ll get them. Some how….


Ok. Busy now. More later.



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Rage
Thursday. 10.28.04 7:39 pm
Wow, i've been listening to alot of Rage.

So good.


Yeah, Uh, 7:30 tommorow Morning sound good? My School. I have to be in class by 830 but, hey thats a hour. I hope you see this


Fucken A. Rage is so good. One can't explain the mood in which Rage puts you in. Ah... good shit.


Last night, worst mood ever. wtf was wrong, well alot of things. But once i got lost in the Rage i reemerged a new person. happy, some what optimistic, and incredibly up beat. IT was good.

sooo much i need to write.

not now. maybe later.

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Wednesday. 10.27.04 5:31 pm
I miss the rage,

Imiss the individualitiy,


what happened to the politics of the wars and the people, what happened to the sense as the monks were burning, what happened to the world as sudan was crying, lets listen to the screaming, its a world you dont want to live in. i am but one in the masses but we are the mass.


wake it up and read the world, its ur last chance.

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Monday. 10.25.04 9:23 am
I am fucking bored as shit. I need to do something. this whole sitting in class and doing nothing doesn't fit me all too well. Eh, i'm fucking tired. didnt do shit either. No, wait yesterday was weird. Hrm. i don't know. it was off. out of the ordinary. not good. eh, something eh no. lets not think that.


i was looking into the UT Austin thing. i hope i can get in. I mean ok, now i have a decent SAT score, and yeah, i'm like 53rd in my class but, well i'm not in the top ten percent. that is not good man. 73% of the kids at UT Austin are top ten percent and the rest, well, i don't know. they accept on 47% of the kids who apply. those figures aren't looking to good for me are they? especially if i want to get into the school of engineering. What if, i don't know. I hope i get in, if not it A&M for me. Thats not all that bad either, i'd just rather go to UT Austin.

We'll see...

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