watching: the screen...I should stop making a habit of this :/
listening to: the thoughts in my head
mood: depressed
Ugh! What's wrong wih me??

Sooooo....it's 12:42 in the morning and can't sleep, again, this happens every night, ever since a few months ago...usually I'm ok, during normal waking hours, I get sad alot more than I used to, but I laugh sometimes and stuff and I talk to Cole and he makes me laugh (usually) too...but when it's the middle of the night and it's just me, then my brain goes fucking haywire, I get depressed and feel alone and sad and like nobody cares, I really, really hate it...I wish the night would never come *siiiighs* someone put me out of my misery, pleeeaase...I caaan't believe Cole just left me all by myself, I dc'd and when I came back, he was goone...
I'm starting to get scared about uni, I don't like change and even though the routine of high school got tedious at the end, it was something that I need, I need rules, even though I hate them and I need support, even if I sometimes push it away, cos I wanna do my own thing. With uni, I know I'll get into a new routine, but right now, I'm scared. However, I don't know if I'll get the support I need...maybe this is something I need, to break away from old habits and shit, mybe it'll make me more independant and self-reliant-instead of relying on others to make sure I do my hw and hand in assignments and stuff...maybe it's what I need.
Time to draaag my tired body and rambling mind to bed.

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mood: hmmm...kinda sad
listening to: the rain and thunder
watching: my cat Bella, groom herself.

Brad = Grrrrr

Ok, so I was meanta talk to Brad today and everything was really awkward and yuck and awful. I have so much resentment towards him, cos he's not giving me the love and attention I want from him, I really don't think he loves me, even though he knows exactly how i feel about him. So basically, I just asked him how his day was, he said it was alright then i told him to just talk to me about random stuff, which he said he didn't wanna do, if it was just for the sake of talking. So then he said he was inerested in hearing about my test results and uni and what I'm gonna do next year, so I told him about that, but basically, I felt like a robot while talking to him, the spark has gone cos we're not in each other's life as much anymore, get what I mean? If you talk to somebody only once a day for only an hour or less, only online, then things start to get flat and robotic and dull, especially if you'e unsure about what you should say to them or do. There used to be so much passion and flirting and playing and teasing, but I think we're both too afraid to...He told me he was wary about calling me cos he didn't think we could control ourselves and stop things if we went a lil too far, cos just hearing each other's voice can sometimes set sparks flying and things get out of hand. He doesn't think it's right for us to be more intimate if we can't talk the next day for awhile and if time is too short, it makes him feel like he's not doing the right thing by me and it makes him sad. Yet, the way things are, things are just too...unbalanced, there's too much talk about school and work and responsibilities and how sad we are that we can't talk more, etc. There's no flirting and fun to lighten things up and make us enjoy each other's company and that makes me feel even more sad. It's such a huge waste of chemistry, if I had been there or if he had been here, then things could have been so different, the two of us have so much potential, I don't wanna just let it go. I'm actually starting to worry that I may be getting over him and that scares me, cos I don't want to give up on everything that we've shared and could share, just yet. Arrgh! What to do??

Work

So I was in a really shit mood when I got to work, I had pms, I wasn't very hungry, but I had to force food down my throat, so I wouldn't faint and I had just had a very disappointing and uneventful talk with Brad, who was supposed to email me telling me when he could talk tomorrow, which he didn't do
But lovely Rana, one of the managers, was really nice to me and made me smile and even offered me white chocolate mudcake, which I couldn't eat, but 'twas nice of her anyway. Rana and other nice people at work are the reason I keep working there, them and the fact that usually, I actually like my job. It kinda gives me a buzz when I'm down, especially if I have a nice section and nice people on my tables. It's not worth leaving, just because of Michael, even if he is an arse sometmes. Sometimes he can actually be nice and supportive and funny, if he's in a good mood. One thing I didn't like though, was that they changed my service shift to a host shift w/out even asking me first, which turned out ok, but still, I like service better, cos:
1) I get paid more
2) I get tips
3) It's much more rewarding and enjoyable, being a host kinda sucks, cos sometimes all you do is buss tables and and occasionally sort out the bill for a table if the service person's busy and run meals and get tables drinks if they ask for it, oh...and polish and roll cutlery, which sucks.
Tonight was a Saturday night, so we had a huuuge booking and we hadda do the linedance (part of the job description). Honestly, when your doing any kind of dance in a restaurant full of drunk guys, even a stupid linedance, you're made to feel like a Moulin Rouge dancer, or something, it's kinda unnerving.

Anyway, enough from meee, that's all the thoughts in my head for now...ummm...I'd like to take part the bit in my entry before, when I called my newly deceased step grandmother evil, it wasn't very respectful, and I feel a lil bad now. So, adios amigos!

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watching: uhh...the screen
mood: meh...ok, i suppose
listening to: clockstoppers, it's some dumb show my bro's watching in tv in the lounge room

Drama, drama, drama

Ok, so I wake up this morning to the phone ringing, which really sucks, I like waking up to sunshine and birds singing and all that shit, If it's 7:30 in the morning and there's not much sunlight and the birds don't happen to feel like singing and I haven't had much sleep cos I couldn't sleep the night b4 until, like, 2am and I have pms, then don't even think about waking me up by calling me, but that's exactly what happened. Turned out it was my aunty and my dad answered the phone b4 me, so I didn't really think much of it. So, I go back to sleep and I'm all snuggled and warm and comfy with my 3 pillows and blanket and I'm snoozing away and the phone rings again, this time at like 9:30. So I try to put on a happy voice and it's my aunty again, telling me that she needs to talk to my mum urgently and that my dad couldn't reach her on her mobile number (my mum starts work at 7am, poor her). So she asks me if I can WALK to her work to tell her to call my aunty. Me, well, I have a better idea ofcourse. I say, "dw about it aunty G, I'll call her on her work number", I'm a genuis aren't I? So, I have no idea what's going on, cos lets face it, it's 9:30 in the morning and I don't really give a shit about too much yet, so I call my mum and tell her that something's going on and she needs to call her sis right away. So, the rest of the morning continues on pretty uneventfully. My dad gets home and by then, I've had a shower and had something to eat and checked my email, and taken some painkillers, so everything's a'ok, so I'm actually pretty curious by that stage (btw, bout 10:30am is when my curiousity really begins to kick in), so I ask him what the hell is going on. Turns out, my evil step-grandmother passed away in England this morning...So, actually, I'm kinda confused. Should I feel bad cos she died and should I cry and be al upset? I mean, this is the person who hardly acknowledged my existence for the past 18 years. When I was a newborn baby, she made me sleep in a drawer when we went to visit them, she didn't borrow a crib or buy one for me to sleep in, she tipped out all the clothes in one of her drawers and said, "here, she can sleep in this". That is quite strange. This is also the woman who pretended that she was my mother's natural mother, for god sake, my mum found out her real mother died when she looked through her file, wich had been left on the desk of the head teacher of her boarding school. This woman hated children, unless they were her own, my mum thought she just had a mother who didn't like her very much. So, I'm wondering how my mother is dealing with this news, she's still at work, I shall ask her when she gets home in a couple of hours.

Brad

Sooo.....it's been *counts* 2 1/2 days and counting since Brad and I have actually had a conversation that's lasted longer than 10 minutes. That is tragically sad, considering how it used to be. I don't feel like I'm part of his life anymore, I don't feel like I can talk to him about stuff that is going on in my life, things have change so much and it hurts. I need a biiiigg hug from him and I need him to tell me that everything will be ok and that he wants to call me tonight. It prolly won't happen though. *sighs* UGH! Ok, enough about him.

Work

Ugh, yucky pms is coming back. Anyway, ok, I went to work last night and Michael, my boss, was the manager on duty. It went alright, one lil thing happened though that I really didn’t like. There was this table that wanted to order a kids meal, but they wanted it with baked sweet potato, instead of fries, which they can do, it just costs extra. But, instead of charging them $1.50 for it, like I was meanta, I accidentally charged them $3.75, I made it like it was a side, instead of just an exchange. Anyway, ofcourse when they got their bill, they complained about it, cos I accidentally charged them extra, so I told Michael and he said, “give me half a minute to change it and then you can print them a new one”. So, I wait like 3 or 4 minutes, just incase and I check the bill and I see that he’s put on the $1.50 one, so I just printed it, I didn’t notice that he hadn’t taken off the other one, so they give me their credit card and I charge it and everything, and he comes flyyyying out of the office, into the restaurant and he’s like, “Katrina! What are you doing, don’t touch the computer until it’s done, I’ll tell you when it’s done” and I’m like, “uh oops...”…see, he didn’t notice that I’d already charged them…so then I hadda follow him back to his office and explain what had happened and he went off at me and called me an idiot, etc. But hellooooo, why didn’t he take the more expensive one off first and then put on the other one?? And why didn’t he do it in half the minute he said he’d do it in and why didn’t he do them both at the same time?? Ofcourse, because I didn’t check the bill first and I didn’t wait for him to tell me it was done, it was my fault and I had to take the blame. So he goes and tells the guests and makes me out to be a total idiot, sheesh…it was solved pretty easy, we just gave em $3.75 in cash, to make up for overcharging them. Stupid wanker, over exaggerates everything and over reacts to everything. But apart from that, everything was alright.

Australia Day

We have this over rated public holiday every year called Australia Day. I usually don’t pay too much attention to it, but this year it should be pretty good. We have this flyball competition that my dog, Sasha is competing in, down in Canberra and Cleo’s going to be there, cos Glen and Leoney are taking their 2 dogs, the male whom is going to be competing in Sasha’s team too, the female AND all 6 puppies. So, since I’m not doing anything in the competition, I’m gonna help Glen look after the puppies all day, it’ll be soo cool. They’re really cute, they’re 5 weeks old, I can’t wait until I get Cleo. So that’s happening next Wednesday, I have to get up at 3:45am though, ugh! I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna need to try to get to sleep early, which could be near impossible, considering how I’ve been unable to sleep lately. For me, the worst part of the day is 12pm-1:30 or 2am in the morning. That’s the time when I feel most alone, the lights are out in my room, I’m all by myself, trying to sleep and thoughts plague my mind and drive me to insomnia…It’s enough to drive somebody insane. It’s also one of the reasons why I like Brad to call me late at night. If he calls me at 10:30pm, then we talk till 1:30 or 2am and I go to sleep happy and smiling and tired and I don’t think about all the shit stuff in my life, everything feels good. Unfortunately, his phone calls are few and far between, lately.

Conclusion

So that’s everything that’s going on in my head right now, some of it’s good, some of it’s ok and some of it’s bad, I’m hoping that maybe soon, some of the bad stuff will fade away and I’ll be left with happy thoughts.

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watching: the screen :/
listening to: tv in background
mood: kinda sad
Layers

I nicked this from Cole's weblog, but that's ok, cos he nicked it from his friends weblog, who prolly nicked it from somewhere else.
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Katrina
-- Birth Date: 02/09/86
-- Birthplace: New Zealand
-- Current Location: Sydney
-- Eye Color: Blue
-- Hair Color: Blonde
-- Height: 5'11"ish
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty

LAYER TWO:
-- Your weakness: I'm hurt easily by those I care about-It could be a stupid lil comment but I'll still get upset.
-- Your fears: Rape, crawly things like cockroaches and spiders
-- Your perfect pizza: hmmmm....cheese, chicken, pepperoni, tomatoe sauce base
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Finish uni and have a successful career in hospitaliy management

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase(s): sheesh (hey, i got it from brad)
-- Your thoughts first waking up: What time is it? Can I sleep some more?
-- Your best physical feature: probably...uhh...my eyes...or shoulders
-- Your bedtime: when I'm tired
-- Your most missed memory: Good times I had with Brad

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi at the moment
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
-- Single or group dates: single
-- Adidas or Nike: Nike
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: umm...yuck, tea should be hot, what's Nestea?
-- Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or Coffee: yuck, hate both

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: ewww
-- Cuss: sometimes
-- Sing: I love singing, not very good at it though
-- Take a shower every day: ofcourse :/
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes
-- Want to go to grad school: maybe, prolly won't need to
-- Like high school: it was good
-- Want to get married: Yes
-- Believe in yourself: Yes, sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: Nope
-- Think you're attractive: Sometimes
-- Think you're a health freak: Hell no
-- Get along with your parents: Usually
-- Like thunderstorms: If I'm not in em
-- Play an instrument: No :(

In the past month . . .
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: No ewww
-- Done a drug: No
-- Had sex: not technically
-- Made out: not technically
-- Gone on a date: nope
-- Gone to the mall: sure
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
-- Eaten sushi: yuum yes!
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny-dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever . . .
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No...I'm boring :(
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: I don't drink to get drunk
-- Been called a tease: always:p
-- Gotten beaten up: No
-- Shoplifted: Yes when I was lil I did all the time...ony stupid lil stuff
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married (ish): 25
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 1 or 2...dunno names
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: In a nice park, maybe
-- How do you want to die: quickly
-- Where you want to go to grad school: hmmm....prolly UWS which is where 'm going anyway
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Manager in the hospitality industry
-- What country would you most like to visit: America-California

LAYER NINE:

In a guy/girl . . .
-- Best eye color: Nice blue not watery or hazel or green
-- Best hair color: blonde or dark brown or black
-- Short or long hair: not too short
-- Height: over 6"
-- Best weight: not too big, not too lil
-- Best articles of clothing: i dunno!
-- Best first date location: hmmm...somewhere pretty
-- Best first kiss location: somewhere pretty

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 2
-- Number of CDs that I own: not enough :(
-- Number of piercings: 4
-- Number of tattoos: 0, I wanna get a lil one though
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: hmmm....a few times
-- Number of scars on my body: lots and lots
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: 2

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mood: meh....ok, i guess
watching: ummm...the screen
listening to: Green day -Boulevard of broken dreams.


Ok, so I went to work last night, which most people would think would be ok, I work at Lonestar and it's supposed to be a nice, friendly place to work, it has a family atmosphere, the staff are nice...One problem, sometimes the manager is a dick, a major one. Take a few weeks ago, for example. was on host, it was early evening, and i was helping to run the board and I was running the waitlist, which has all the bookings on it, etc. So,the manager, Michael, he's like the BIG boss, the general manager, guess you could say it's his arse on the line if shit goes wrong, cos he's the nominee, the restaurant is under his name. So hes running the board and this lady walks in, with a reeeally strong accent and a name I'm not familiar with, so I ask her to repeat her name, what does my manager dooo? He says, "Are you deaf or something?? She said (insert name here), you idiot!" I was gobsmacked! How dare he call me an idiot at all, let alone in front of a guest! It was so unproffessional and rude of him, I wonder what the guest must of thought. The man's in his 50's and he's callin his staff idiots. I can understand it if he's annoyed and we're away from guests, I mean, I do make mistakes sometimes, I used to make them alot when I was first on service, it drove him nuts, he'd yell at me and belittle me and make me feel awful and like a major idot....but that's ok, cos he does it to everyone, poor Erin, this girl who works in the kitchen, last night he went waaaaaay off at her cos she had 5 refires that evening, more than weve had all week. I think he demoted her to dish for the rest of the night and sent her home early. So, the guy's a bully, plain and simple and he pisses everyone of cos he overexaggerates. Take last night, he gave me this tip that I'd gotten from a table after i"d left work the other night, and he said "See, we do take care of you", ofcourse, I couldn't help myself, I had to mention the time a couple of weeks ago when a table gave me a $25 dollar tip on credit and Lonestar never gave it to me. What does he say? He doesn't say, "oh sorry for that, I'll get it for you now", NO! He says, "Yeah, well what about that time you were $60 short on your check out". One, I was only short cos I'd given him a $50 note and he told me to get the bar to pay him back, so I did. I put the money in my pouch instead of in my money case, which was kinda dumb, and it fell out and some wanker picked it up and kept it. So i freaked out when I realised what had happened and I used $30 of my own money, which was at the time all of the money I had in my wallet, so that I wouldn't be so short. I told him about it and at the time he told me no to worry about it. Now he turns around, triples the amount of money I was short and throws it back in my face. Makes me wonder why I bothered, I should have just been $50 short and not have tried to make up for the missing money. So now, really, Lonestar actually owes me $5....areseholes. PLUS, on busy nights, I make like a thousand dollars for them through upselling, how do they pay me back? By treating me like shit. I could go on, there's so many more incidents that I've had to take the full blame fo that haven't really been my fault, but it would take all day.

Brad

Welcometo the section on my unofficial bf. I don't think I'm gonna be able to ever let him see this weblog if I write what I'm thinking about writing about him. Infact, really, this weblog is for me to release frustration I have about him, cos I can't talk to my friends about it, not really. I could talk to Cole about it and I do sometimes, but I think I really just need a place I can just write it all down anytime I like and just spend as long as I like complaining and bitching and stuff, w/out being worried that I'll bore somebody. So where to start with him? He doesn't really have time for me, that's a given. He spends his morning in class, his afternoon studying and coaching vb and then his evening working so he can pay for school and rent and food and all the other shit he's gotta pay for. So usually, he talks to me for an hour b4 he goes to sleep, which is like 4pm my time and 9pm his time. This would be ok, but he's usually so tired by then and he's got all of these worries on his mind that he won't talk to me about and I just end up getting sad and upset and I end up crying, so the situation isn't exactly ideal. Weekends are usually a lil better cos he has a lil more time, cos he doesn't have class, but he still has work and he has to go to alot of all day vb tournaments, so like last weekend, sometimes we end up talking only an hour a day, or less. It's so different to how it used to be, he used to call me everyday, sometimes twice or 3 times a day and we used to talk for 5 or 6 hours, atleast. But now he'sjust got so much on, I'm last priority and it really hurts, I'm starting to resent him, which scares me, cos I care about him so much and I just want things to be how they used to be. He couldn't even meet up with me in Bali, like we planned for the end of last year. He's saying that maybe he can come see me at the end of July this year, but I really do doubt it right now. *Sighs* oh well.

Somthing positive in my life not to complain about - Cleo

Ok, so I'm getting a pure bred chocolate border collie from friends of ours who bred their 2 dogs. It's looking like she'll be a really good dog, I'm actually really lucky, she's meant to be $600-700 but cos we're friends, they're selling her to my parents, to give to me as a late christmas present, for only $150. The father is the fastest flybll dog in Australia, the mother is one of the fastest female flyball dogs in Australia and the parents of them are georgeous, the grandaddy is a showdog with rich, reddish brown fur, a huuuge mane and a strong stance. Cleo's of the best of health and it's highly unlikely she'll get hip displasia or anything, cos the parents have really good hips, they had a test done or something. The owners have really done everything that they can to make sure everything's been done properly. It's highly likely I'll get Cleo and she'll be toilet trained and partly trained in sitting and staying and bringing back the ball (unlike my other dog, Sasha, she runs around with it in her mouth and refuses to bring it back, she drops it like, 10 metres away and u hafta actually walk over to it to pick it up and throw it for her). So yeah, I'm actually pretty lucky.

Conclusion
Oh shit, the radio's on and there's this ad on for Tafe, that reminds me, I gotta call Tafe and un-enroll, seeing as I've decided to go straight to Uni, so gotta go, *smells self* yuck, I need a shower too, Byee!

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