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Confessions of a Food Addict.
Saturday. 5.4.13 3:10 pm
Felt like writing today and this is what happened. Not writing fiction, just felt like writing about myself today.

Hello everyone, my name is AmberJade, and I’m a food addict. I’ve known that I was for a long time but didn’t acknowledge it, and start changing it until 09/23/2011. No, that’s not completely true. I’ve tried many times since I hit the 200’s (oh so long ago) to get back to a lower weight and watch my portions, but I honestly didn’t care.

When I was 12 my Gramma died. She was what held our family together, as flawed as we all were. When she died it all fell apart. My mom had 5 children and we went to a place called The Family Program. Even though I didn’t know it then, it really was the best place for us. It gave us the structure that we needed. If I had not gone there I would have been mostly the same person, but not quite. I’ve read over my weekly reports that they made on me there and I had eating problems then that I didn’t even notice. I would hardly eat anything for long periods of time, and then eat 3 and 4 servings for a while.

I remember that they also weighed us once a month there. I remember seeing 130 and being fine with it. Then seeing 150 and thinking well, that’s still good, saw 180 and thought well at least its not 200! (which eventually grew to at least its not 250, at least its not 350, etc.) Up until 9th grade I was fairly average weight for my height. I was not big I was not small. Because I was not small I was called fat. I’ve looked back on pictures of me from when I was younger and I was so beautiful. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it’s okay. You are everything you wish you were. You are beautiful, you are young, you have your entire beautiful life ahead of you. After I turned 15 we moved to a place called Boys Ranch, which was basically the older kids version of Family Program. We didn’t weigh as much, and I didn’t have a PE class any more so I gained more. I was still roughly 180 when I met George* (name changed for personal reasons.) He was a very good looking boy, and the compliments and attention he gave me was divine. Until one day he leaned down to me, it was close, and intimate, I could feel his breath on my face, and said “I could never be with you, you are to fat. What would people say if they saw someone like me, with someone like you.”

That honestly broke me. It hurt so badly I withdrew into food and myself. That was the year I started thinking why bother, I’ll be dead soon, I’ll off myself one of these days.. I never thought I would make it past the end of that year, and thought the same every year until 2011 but we will get back to 2011 later.

When I was 17 I was released from the Boys Ranch (despite the name girls are allowed!). Without the structure FP and BR had offered I was eating everything that was bad, and drinking cokes left and right. (This was by no means anyone’s fault but my own.) I would go through three 32 ounce fountain Dr. Peppers a day. We were poor, but mostly due to our eating habits, although I didn’t realize it then. We would run out of food the day or two before our paydays so on pay day we were hungry, and on pay days we splurged. I don’t mean we got a treat meal, although it did start out that way. It started as a combo meal from Whataburger. One double bacon cheese burger, everything on it, mayo, a large fry, and a 44 oz Dr. Pepper. Then it was a combo meal plus a chicken sandwich. By the time I was 22 it was a combo meal plus an extra burger (still the double bacon, double meat, double cheese,) a chicken sandwich, a 44 ounce of Dr. Pepper, and on the way to get the burgers I would also have a 20 cherry vanilla bottled Dr. pepper. I remember having to burp, and rub my stomach, to get room for the last couple bites to go down, AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT! It made us so happy to eat and have that sensation of full to bursting. I remember being sick to my stomach and because of that being happy.

In 2009 moved away from Texas to West Virginia where there were no Whataburger’s, but there were great pizza delivery places. It started out as a small pizza just for myself and a 20oz Mr. Pibbs. Then it was a medium pizza and 2 Mr. Pibbs. Then it was a medium pizza and a stuffed cheesy bread and three Mr. Pibbs. By August of 2011 it was a large pizza, a stuffed cheesy bread, 3 Mr. Pibbs and the chocolate lava cakes, again using the “burp and rub” technique.

At that time I was still in the midst of depression, well I guess I’ll always be medically depressed, but I was deep into it. I wouldn’t kill myself because I believe that’s a sin,but I knew that eating myself to death was a loop hole because it wasn’t an actual act of suicide. I did self harm though, if I binged horribly I would cut to make myself feel better. There were times that I again tried to be anorexic, but I told myself I didn’t have the strength so I tried bulimia but thank God I can’t actually make myself throw up. I remember telling myself “You aren’t even good enough to throw up.” and “You don’t even have the will power to be anorexic”

In 12/2010 I met my now fiance, online. I told him I weighed 450 pounds to scare him off, because I honestly believed that fat people like me didn’t deserve love. He didn’t care, he loved me for me. We’ve been together since, and we now live together. I almost started then, I was only 350-360 then (only, ha!) but I wasn’t ready, I was jobless due to my depression. I would skip work because I couldn’t handle the people. I ended up in a homeless shelter due to bad decisions on my part and found solace in food.

On September 23 2011 I realized that enough was enough. I had weighed myself earlier that month at 380 pounds. 380 POUNDS. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without breathing heavily, I was chafing badly because of the fat rubbing together when I did move, and I couldn’t even sit the way I wanted to any more. My knees and back and joints hurt all the time because of carrying all of my weight. I bought a bottle of Slim-quick because I didn’t realize I could do it on my own, and I dropped my calories to 1300 and began the road to where I am now.

In March of 2011 I found Myfitnesspal.com and realized that 1300 was not enough to help me lose and keep the weight off. It was hard to up my calories by then it had been almost 6 months and I had lost almost 60 pounds but I was hungry and tired. I was about to give up then, and I can honestly almost guarantee that if I hadn’t found MFP that I would not have stuck with it.

I also began walking to work every day then. It was 1.3 miles and at first I couldn’t walk 10 feet without stopping and it took me 1.5 hours to walk it. I got so many weird looks when I showed up to work huffing and red faced and sweaty. A girl came up to me about a year after I started and told me she had seen me one day and was going to ask if I was having a heart attack.

There were people at my work who had seen me at my biggest and then had not seen me for a while afterwords who thought I was a different person altogether. One lady almost started crying when she figured out I was the same person from my original training class that had sat next to me. She thought that I had quit, and that the lighter version of me was a totally different person!

Honestly, I am, a lot has changed in the almost year and a half. I am now 260 pounds (give or take it likes to fluctuate right now because I’m in a little plateau.) I can run for 28 minutes with out stopping, This morning I walked 3 miles in 55 minutes.

There have been ups and downs. There will be more ups and downs. I would not trade it for the world. I no longer want to die. Not only that, I want to live.

Thanks for reading all this, it made me feel a whole lot better, and I hope that I can inspire at least one person to change their life.

Comment! (3) | Recommend! (1)

Thanks everyone!!
Sunday. 4.28.13 10:34 pm
Thanks for the congrats everyone (: I'm happy about it of course. I don't have a job yet, but no one seems to care, I help out at a racetrack every other Saturday where Fiance's (can't call him Boyfriend any more can I :P) dad works (He's been helping there since they put the place together, but he has a different job as a truck driver)

Anyway, not much happening otherwise. I'm still counting calories but I seem to have hit a little plateau and I"m losing the same 5 pounds over and over again. But I can now run for 25 minutes at a time! I know that even though my weight may be staying the same I'm healthier and stronger than I was at the beginning of the year.

I've also started adding in some other exercises, like squats and donkey kicks, and the one where you lie on your back and thrust up (it looks inappropriate a little but I can't think of the name of it lol!)

I've also been in contact with some of my friends from WV, they were so surprised when I told them that me and Fiance were not going to have sex until we were married. They said I was lying and we must have already done it. I found it weird that they just did not believe me. I feel like that's the way it is supposed to be, and Fiance does as well.

Lastly, Fiance is so worried about hurting me all the time. He gave me a hickey this morning, and its big and red of course, it just looks like a regular hickey but apparently its not something he's done before and he feel so bad because it looks like a bruise. He's so sweet.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Thursday. 4.18.13 11:03 pm
So Boyfriend popped the question today, :D I accepted of course

Comment! (5) | Recommend!

Friday. 4.12.13 12:57 pm
Boyfriend had his vasectomy today, nursing him back to health. Also had Hardees today it was tasty. Nothing else happening

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

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