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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Someone like you~
Sunday, January 1, 2012
ARGHHH!! You will know why I had this reaction after reading this entry.

On 10 November 2011 ...

I was very not feeling well due to land sick... and was not hungry since I ate a lot during the welcoming reception at Manilla Hotel. But still I need to go to the dining hall for dinner since the chefs have already cooked my vegetarian meal. So I dragged myself to the said venue and sat with my friends. However, they have finished their meals, thus left. I was left alone with one of my Environment DG mates from the Philippines ... whom I have never spoken prior before. (Shame on me >.<) I don't mind being alone on the dining table since he had also finished his meal, so I kindly told him that he doesn't have to wait for me to complete mine (because I will be eating extremely slow...). The reply I received was he didn't mind sitting until 8.30 pm before his meeting starts. He also asked if I were OK since I complained earlier to our mutual friends before they left that I was having land sick. I thought it was very nice of him to sit with me.

Then ... he said "You look like one of my friends."

Oh no ... not again ...

I replied "OMG! You are like the 10th person I know to say that I look like someone they know. God has been very unkind to me for recycling my face so many times all around the world."

Seriously?! It even happened on the ship?! I was really kinda hysterical internally because I didn't expect to hear such comment. ARGHH... I have always received such comment wherever I go... It seems that among all my friends I received this comment the most! I guess God likes my kind of appearance too.

Later he added "It's OK. You are good-looking."

Eh? That was surprisingly unexpected.

I just replied "Thank you" with a smile. Later, he left for a meeting.

Despite of my land sick, that comment seriously made my day for the entire 2011. That is simply because it's been a long time since someone said something nice to me. I guess it is refreshing after undergone various experiences like being harassed verbally, being called insane, heartless and even brainless until this date... affecting my mental and physical health. It reminded me of stories of how smiles can save people...

The comment really put a smile back on my beautiful face.

Spinoff: I'm always amaze with myself for having wits at the weirdest hour. My friends always commented that I'm a funny person, but I don't see how! I seriously appreciate that comment for it enlightened me - a lot - at that time. Unfortunately it didn't help me much in finishing my dinner. HAHA. However, I did finished my dinner cleanly, as it is my policy to finish everything on the plate except for bones.

If you are reading this and remember this conversation, I sincerely want to thank you for making my day. Sorry for not saying this earlier ... not because I was busy hiding from you, but due to lack of memory space. HA. Just kidding... it's I didn't have the chance.

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Sunday, January 1, 2012

On the 16th, the last day of SSEAYP, many of the PYs bid their farewells with tears. My friends were crying hard smudging their eyeliners, meanwhile I didn't shed a tear. I bid mine with full of smiles.

I didn't have the chance to give farewell hugs to some of my friends, because the admins formed a human chain and they placed bars to make space for walking. Moreover, I was holding two hand-carries. So I did the E.T. thing with my friends... where the ET's and Drew's finger touched.... That is the only thing I could do. I guess in the end, I am still crazy, creative and true to myself!

Our friendship is just the beginning, and I'm sure we would definitely have chance to see each other again. And I would like my farewell to be with full of smiles and tears of joy!

This was where we departed from the ship. I kept looking back at the entrance mouth feeling grateful for having created those wonderful memories ...

Spinoff: I asked a close friend from my contingent if I'm a cold-hearted person for not shedding tears. He honestly replied Yes. I pouted. But I think I somewhat am because even a tough guy like him also had tears during our farewell party. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad, or rather possessing no feelings. I'm not that cooooooooold. It's just I'm able to maintain my composure, and am ready to return to my reality.

I remember an advice given to me back in 2006. The deep sufferings I had then blinded me from my environment, and I was told to be grateful for whatever I have, encountered, endured regardless of the level of pain. It forced me to see things in a different light. If I'm not chosen for this program, I won't be able to meet my new friends. Therefore I'm grateful to be in the program in the first place!

Another reason I didn't shed tears because I have promised myself that I won't cry anymore ... due to an excruciating period I had earlier in 2011. Or ... rather I have no more tears to spare. Moreover, I'm tired of being sad.

Besides, why does farewell have to be sad?!

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Reflection for 2011
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My mind went blank and I don't know what to write in my reflection. That is simply because my mind is busy occupied with someone.

My life in 2011 has undergone one hell of a time, both happy and unhappy, and I remember shedding an astronomical litres of tears.

My friend once said to me that I'm a strong person because my smiles smothers all my sorrow and sadness so well that no one knows where my true unhappiness lies. Unless I share. I think if we were to meet again now, I'm sure she would say I have mature so much since we last met at my farewell party in 2006. I bet she would say I have grown much stronger too. I am somewhat glad that we didn't get to meet up when I was in Tokyo recently. Because I don't want her to make me sound old! But the truth is I am now stronger in terms of personality wise and I am indeed older; I hope wiser. Her son is now 6 years old. I wonder what would he look like now. The son with the name of hope and strength.

I know what will her next question be. I may not have an answer if we were to meet up at the beginning of my international program in Tokyo, but now - after the program - I know I have a resolute answer. The blatant truth is I have derived that answer aeons ago. I have been keeping off that idea for a very long time indeed. I'm sure she would wish me all the best. Maybe this time she would proudly say her husband is not making her hair to split anymore!

My dream to visit Japan has been achieved despite of the short stay stint. In fact, I consider my participation as a bonus since I also get to visit 4 other countries, which I never dreamed of going. I remember asking God that I want my life to be more interesting, and I never expected it turned out to be having a working holiday for 53 days on a ship. I wonder what is the meaning of my vision I had when I was 15 where I saw a yacht on a sea with a whisper: New Zealand. Was it two future settings in one vision? The NZ came true ... and was Fuji Maru (the ship) meant to be the yacht?

I know I didn't do much crazy things, but I still didn't regret doing them. But I think I'm not aggressive enough to live by my motto: Never lead a regretful life. Yvonne, if you were still alive, what would you tell me? I am not proud to say that I'm still millions of kilometers away from my dreams.

I thank you God for letting me meeting two new friends that I know we will definitely have a very long relationship until the day we die. Thank you for listening to my prayers for wanting new close friends. My favourite moment of us is the crazy drink we had together in Yokohama. I really wish that we had more time to indulge our drink! And of course not forgetting my friend who introduced me to SSEAYP. (Yes I'm talking about you; you know who this is) Thank you for being there for me. =)

I didn't dream of snakes lately, which I'm terribly relieved. I still could not decipher its meaning. Whatever it meant, be it having new relationships or new beginning ...

I ended my 2011 unexpectedly sweet with someone in my mind.

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Friday, December 30, 2011
I could no longer hold my yearning for a particular genre book, so I asked the second-hand bookstore owner nonchalantly "Do you have any books on gay stories?"

I finally feel liberated after saying it. I have been wanting to ask that question for over 6 years. I have been searching for that genre on my own homeland for that many years, and I could not find one. I was given an author's name, but ... I could not locate and I dare not order from local bookstore. I really regret for not reading MORE contemporary gay stories when I was still back in New Zealand. The library has a shelf dedicated to that genre. And I read only one!

I wonder what did the bookstore owner think of me when I said that in the morning. Did she think I'm a weirdo? Or did I overthink? Unfortunately she doesn't have. Although I mustered the courage to ask for that genre, I still don't have the courage to order that genre over the counter. That is simply because I still have not found the right book that I want to order. The gay stories I searched on amazon have explicit cover. Like hell I'm gonna order that over the counter. And like hell I'm gonna put a book with such cover in my room. What if my mum wants to pick a book, and she picks it up? I would have lots of explanation to do!

Maybe I would just settle for Queer as Folk. It's just I want to read and watch something different. Blame the tv for not giving me enough intellectual programs.

P.S: Sincerely apologise if you are lost at my blog. I'm currently updating my blog about my absence for two-months, therefore, I highly advise you to click on SSEAYP Adventure tab on your left to navigate your readings. I will surely be updating entries on non-SSEAYP Adventure. So please visit here again, thank you for your patience!

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Love quote
Thursday, December 29, 2011
What do you think of this quote?

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.

Barbara De Angelis

P.S: Sincerely apologise if you are lost at my blog. I'm currently updating my blog about my absence for two-months, therefore, I highly advise you to click on SSEAYP Adventure tab on your left to navigate your readings. I will surely be updating entries on non-SSEAYP Adventure. So please visit here again, thank you for your patience!

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Can we?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I think it happened on 15 November. If not, it happened between 9 Nov and 15 November.

Malaysian team members were very kiasu (hokkien word for afraid to lose). We booked the Pacific Hall for our NDP practice, despite being 10 days away from our performance dance. Ethically, we should be letting other contingents to use the hall especially those who were gonna have their NDP sooner than us.

We practiced as usual, but it was below poor level. The sea waves were not rough at all. In fact, we had a smooth sailing journey to our next port of call. But it was very disappointing to see tonight's practice the poorest of all. It was not only poor but EXTREME poor. There was no excuse to put up a poor performance. Should I make comparison, the practice we had during our journey to the Philippines was very much better despite members vomiting while dancing and the rocky sea waves.

I was upset beyond words. I could sense everyone was not in the mood to dance, hence the terrible performance. I was very affected by the practice that I asked the Youth Leader for his evaluation, and he said the performance was fine. I cannot believe my ears, and I know I have to trust my judgment. My judgment: EXTREMELY EXTREMELY POOR. It was screaming in my head the whole night.

I waited stoically for the practice to be over to hear the comments from my cultural performance head, for I believe he would have tonnes of things to feedback. Surprisingly, he just concluded with his usual ending: good job and good night. I was utterly thrown into a state of shock. Why did he not say we had done poorly?! It just heightened my disappointment. I could even feel tears spilling over my tear duct, but being a cold-blooded person in nature, I contained my sadness featly.

Instead, I channeled my disappointment energy into encouraging my contingent to perform better. My encouragement went something like this:

What do you guys think of tonight's practice? I think it was bad. Are we gonna give this kind of performance on the night itself? We practiced our dances in those damn 4 days. We literally makan NDP, minum NDP, mimpi NDP (Malay way of saying that all we did is eat, sleep and live for that something) and we are going to throw it into the drain? We practiced damn hard just for that NDP! (With my fingers almost punching the ground) Our friends are waiting to see our performance, and are we going to disappoint them?

So can we give all out like there's no tomorrow? So can we dance like there's no tomorrow? CAN WE?!

The reply to my speech was an energetic YES. Although I contained my tears very well, my voice was partially broken while delivering those words. I don't know if they heard it, but I could not care much when the success of the NDP is at stake.

Spinoff: HAHA. I'm kinda embarrassed to think back of my speech. To be frank, I have totally forgotten about this event until one of my team members said CAN WE?! during a contingent gathering on board in December. Everyone laughed except me, because I didn't find any humour in it. I asked another member what is that CAN WE?! all about, and I cannot believe that I said it! In retrospect, this speech did elevate their spirit; I was glad this speech didn't fall on deaf ears.

The reason I blogged about this event is because I don't want to forget the history of CAN WE?!. This word has been stabbed deeply in the team members mind that they now often use it be it in conversations or discussions among ourselves. I just forgot to tell them it's my copyright!

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