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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Dreams and comfort
Monday, May 11, 2015
I dreamt that I was a guy by myself at some sort of science museum. The whole ceiling was like that of a planetarium's, with stars and celestial bodies cast onto it. In the dream I imagined that I was there with two others, a girl and another guy who was my friend. We were all close, but there were some unspoken romantic feelings between me and the girl. We wandered around the museum, enjoying the exhibits together, and the girl and I pointed to the ceiling and made up new constellations, which we named for each other. Periodically I would remember that my relationships with the two people were imaginary and I would find myself alone there. It was sort of like waking up from a dream into my dream, and it was a sad, lonely realization.

In the night my boyfriend woke me from that dream by reaching over to me and touching my arm. I wasn't sure what was happening at first. It was very dark, but I thought maybe it was time to wake up and he was just pulling me closer for morning snuggles (since that is usually how things go when I'm at his place). He said something about being scared though, so I moved closer and put my arms around him and told him everything was alright, even though I was still confused. At some point when I started waking up more I thought to ask why he was scared, and he said he thought he heard a noise come from my direction and was afraid someone was in the apartment. Later on in the day we decided he probably had a bad dream that woke him up. For some reason thinking about this makes me feel very affectionate towards him. I don't want him to feel scared or bad about things, but I like being able to comfort him, I guess. Being able to comfort people in general is kind of nice.

I wish I could sleep at his place more often. Maybe once school gets out...?

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Touch Pianist and bad timing
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Listening to the old classic(al)s again because of this game, Touch Pianist. It's interesting to see how people play some of the faster classical music on different instruments, like guitar.

I liked this rendition of Clair de Lune.

Playing through the Gymnop�die pieces in the game mildly made me want to try to learn the first one on piano. I haven't actually played the piano in years, and I remember pretty much nothing about reading music, so that could be hard. There are some... rather extensive tutorials on Youtube though, so maybe I could do it? I think a bigger obstacle would be keeping up the motivation to practice.

Right now I feel like I want to do things. It's 2:30 AM, this is the worst time to want to do things. I feel like starting new projects but I need to go to sleep. I was tired all evening and my brain is only starting to wake up now. -__- Very inconvenient. Maybe I will think of some comic ideas though. I haven't drawn one in so long. Sometimes I think I'd really like to try doing a more serious comic, but I'm not entirely sure how far I could get with that.

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Other socializing
Monday, May 4, 2015
So, I didn't get to hang out with Kyle this weekend, but I did hang out with friends from school yesterday. We just hung out at my house and I made mac and cheese, then we chatted until like... 1 AM. It felt good.

Someone... I think it was Frosan... asked if we could all make a pact that we'd give each other constructive criticism when we noticed something, haha. Everyone was down for it. I'm happy that came up. It's great to have friends like that.

Unrelated to that, I found my book on emotional intelligence today! I'd been wondering where it was since we got new carpets last summer, and apparently it's been in my parents' room this whole time. I might go through it again when I have some time. It's looking a bit battered though, and I kind of wish I'd gotten a hardcover copy instead of just a paperback. Oh well. I guess if it starts falling apart I can always get a new one.


I was trying to find this piece of music I remember from high school that made me think of being eaten alive by rats in a dark cavern. From my memory I would describe the way it sounds as higher pitched and more dramatic/slightly echo-y nails on a chalkboard. With some frantic scurrying effects. I'm not sure if this is the right piece but this is the closest thing I could find to what I remember...

"Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by K. Penderecki:

When I first heard the piece I was thinking about I remember thinking it was one of the most awful and disturbing things I'd ever heard and found it terrifying. I find it somewhat less terrifying now, possibly due in part to the fact that I have crappy speakers, but I'm also not sure if this is just the wrong piece or something...

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Attempts to improve
Saturday, May 2, 2015
I started reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl with my boyfriend. We are around halfway through now, I think. It's very short, less than two hundred pages, but it's very engaging and interesting.

There are a lot of excerpts I like, and I feel like I relate a lot to the themes in it, though I feel almost like I'm exaggerating my own experiences of suffering or demeaning Frankl's by making such a comparison-- after all, he went through the Holocaust, and well... nothing remotely similar has happened in my life. My boyfriend pointed out that external circumstances don't necessarily determine the intensity of the subjective experience of suffering. He has a point, I guess. I mean I still don't think anything in my life could compare to what happened to Frankl, but perhaps there is no point in comparing such things.

Anyway, this bit from pages 102-103 stood out to me:

"God knows, I was not in the mood to give psychological explanations or to preach any sermons - to offer my comrades a kind of medical care of their souls. I was cold and hungry, irritable and tired, but I had to make the effort and use this unique opportunity. Encouragement was now more necessary than ever."

It reminded me of something I've been trying to do in my own life-- have compassion and understanding for others even when I'm in a bad mood or I don't like them. I know people's intentions are often better than their actions show, and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. The key word here, of course, is try; I'm making an attempt, but I don't know how often I'm succeeding.

I described my thought process in carrying this out to my therapist, and he remarked that I was "generous"-- a more positive way to say "too nice" or "too forgiving" perhaps, haha. Being "too nice" is only a problem insofar as it prevents you from taking care of yourself though, and I don't think I'm doing that. I'm just trying to practice unconditional positive regard in my life... I don't know if I've felt it within my own life (outside of dreams), but I would like to be able to make other people feel it, if I can.

At the same time, I don't want to have these lofty goals and pat myself on the back for being "such a good person"-- if my behaviors have no visible positive effect, my intentions don't matter all that much. A passage from one of my textbooks made me think about this more.

If you don't want to read all that, the gist is this: we know our own intentions but know only others' actions, therefore we tend to judge ourselves more positively than we judge others. I'm trying (there it is again: "trying"!) to compensate for this tendency by finding out what people's intentions are before judging them for their actions, and by considering how my own actions come off when nobody can see what my intentions were. I can, I guess, be satisfied with myself for taking these measures, but I cannot expect that anybody else should acknowledge my efforts if they see no fruition, and I shouldn't exhibit overblown attitudes about myself.

I'm really confused about why this video is of a guy using a weedwhacker, but uh, here's "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2015
So, due to some unfortunate circumstances, I can't hang out with Kyle this weekend after all. :( I don't know about my other friend... I sort of told my client I could do in field on Friday with him in San Francisco, so I might have to go up there anyway. I should bill him for the travel time, though.

More music...

"I Want To" by Best Coast.

I want you so much
I miss you so much
I want to go back to the first time, the first place

The lyrics are really simple/repetitive but I like it.

Also, "Long Train Running" by The Doobie Brothers.


My therapist often points out that I smile or laugh when I'm talking about things I find sort of annoying or unpleasant. I... guess he's right? Maybe it's like, I'm laughing or smiling because I don't like those things, but it's also like, well, what can you do? It feels better to laugh about things than to get upset or angry over them. If it's something I feel very strongly about though I generally don't laugh. I don't think I've been super angry about anything in awhile, though. Maybe that's good? I dunno.

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No music this time
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Eeee, this is too cute!

Pet Portrait - Budgerigar on Etsy

But this is even cuter:

Budgies in a bowl.


After school I chatted with Frosan and Ben for a couple hours and we had a really good talk. I didn't leave feeling super energized and happy like I sometimes do after these conversations, but I've always felt more fulfilled afterwards, and that didn't change. We're hoping to hang out this weekend, just get together and eat some food and chat. I think the three of us have always had really good, insightful discussions about stuff.

The other day Frosan said something about wondering, early on when she was first meeting people in our cohort, "Am I going to be friends with this person for the rest of my life?" I was thinking about that during our discussion. I think I'd definitely like to be friends with both Ben and Frosan for the rest of my life, unless we change so significantly we don't get along anymore. Both of them are good listeners and supportive and have good points to make, and those are all valuable things to me.


Unrelated to anything else, my phone has some weird/sort crappy interface and function things going on (I can't set individual text tones!) and it's mildly obnoxious but so trivial I mostly don't notice it. The text tone thing does bum me out though. I like setting specific tones for certain people. Having the same tone for everyone makes texts disappointing sometimes, like if I'm hoping for a text from my boyfriend and it ends up being my client.

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I guess I've been doing a lot of music entries
Monday, April 27, 2015
"Treat Me Right" by Pat Benatar.

You want me to leave
You want me to stay
You ask me to come back
You turn and walk away
You wanna be lovers
And you wanna be friends
I'm losing my patience
You're nearing the end
One of these days
You're gonna reach out and find
The one that you count on
Has left you behind
Don't want to be no martyr
With no one, no say
Oh my, my baby
Before it's too late

Treat me right
Treat me right
Open your eyes
Maybe you'll see the light


I'm in a sentimental mood. It makes me want to write something, to or for somebody, but I don't know who I'd do that for. I kind of just want to tell someone in my life how much they mean to me and how highly I think of them. It's easier to write these things than it is to say them. I think I have a hard time giving deeply felt appreciation out loud. It's something that seems very serious to me, and getting the wrong kind of reaction to it is... disheartening, maybe to the point of being painful? There are just some people I think the world of, to use a term I've probably repeated too many times, and it's hard to share that. Just saying something like "I think you're an awesome person" feels so shallow and diminutive. It would be like trying to describe your favorite food and saying "it tastes good." It's vague to the point of being almost meaningless.

Strong Female Protagonist has been really good lately and it makes me wish I could write a comic like that. Well, I guess I wish I could write anything serious without feeling like it's pretentious or melodramatic. It's so much easier to write things that are humorous, but I hate feeling like I use that as some defense to hide behind. I made some small edits to the last serious piece I wrote, but the whole thing just seems clich� and juvenile and I feel dissatisfied with it.

People tell me I'm "good" at writing but I don't know what to say to that other than that I just write what I'm thinking. I'd like to get better at writing but I don't know how I can do that. I'm sort of put off by "writer" types and don't want to go to any conferences or read books on theory. Getting some useful critical feedback would probably be most helpful, but almost all the feedback I ever get on my writing is "I like this" or "great line" and equally useless comments. I mean, it's nice to get praise, but it sort of prevents me from growing, I guess. I'm having that same problem at school, too. Getting good grades is fine and dandy but I feel like, considering all the time I've spent in school these past couple years, I haven't improved much. There have been a couple things here and there that did have an impact on my worldview, but I don't feel like my writing or thinking processes have gotten a whole lot better.

Maybe after I graduate I'll take a writing class or something and see if it helps me brush up on my skills.

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A few gala pictures [3P]
Monday, April 27, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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