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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Things that happened!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Two things to report:

1. I am now done with undergrad, except for the graduation ceremony!

2. My first anniversary with my boyfriend just passed!

We haven't celebrated our anniversary (yet?), but it's nice to think about. I had so much to do that I almost forgot it was our anniversary, haha. Managed to sneak in a little text to him, though. :)

I hope we find some time to get a cupcake. Honestly though, I'm just really happy that we're going to spend some time together. It was a bit hard to get enough time with him when I had all my projects and finals and stuff. Now I don't have to do anything, though! So maybe we'll finally make some progress in Divinity. XD

We might also start playing a different game together... not sure what, just yet. For now, all I want to do is hug him and feel him close to me and give him bunches and bunches of love. I can't believe it's been a year already. I also can't believe it's only been a year.

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Only a few days left! [3P]
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Saturday, June 13, 2015
"You and I" by New Look.

I've been listening to New Look a lot these past few days.

I'll be graduating in a week! Crazy to think about. I still have a ton to do before then though. :( In all honesty, what I have to do isn't hard, it's just tedious.

This morning I got up at 5:45 AM because I have a 7 AM crisis line shift. It's... only 7:43 right now, haha. Got a few hours to go... Then I'm going to have lunch with my new friend. Hopefully that'll be fun! I liked hanging out with him last week.


So... Recently I've been considering moving in with my boyfriend. Assuming all goes well and I'm accepted into the school I want, that would be really convenient, since he's close to it. I wouldn't have to pay rent, but I'd help clean and cook and other chores. And run errands. Housegirlfriend! :P It's exciting and just a little scary to think about. He's thinking about moving apartments soon, so we've been looking at some together...

Also, our anniversary is next week! I guess we're probably not going to celebrate it, since other stuff is going on, but it's kind of crazy to think about. A year seems like such a long time. And yet, it also feels like I've been with him all my life. Maybe he'd think it's silly for me to say this, but I often feel like our relationship is outside time. Like time is just a distraction from something which has no true beginning or end. It's funny to think there was ever anything before this, because how can there be something prior to that which is timeless?

I feel very happy today!

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Youtube autoplay
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
So this came up after some Touane tracks I was listening to...

"L'Indien" by Baron Retif & Concepcion Perez.

I wasn't watching the video at first but switched to that tab just in time to see random dolphins poorly greenscreened into the background and ended up watching more of the video. It's... silly. But it amuses me.

I've been listening to videos like this while I write my paper for my Intimate Relationships class and I feel like it's sorta helpful, because it keeps me from wanting to find any music to listen to, but it's not distracting. The past few days while I was trying to work, I wanted music to listen to but I ended up spending too much time looking for something that felt right and too little time actually working on anything...

In any case it's almost 3:30 AM so I should probably be getting to bed...

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Silly movies
Saturday, June 6, 2015
So I saw Mad Max: Fury Road with a new friend today. It made very little sense and at some points I was just laughing because it was so ridiculous. My friend was into Mad Max and has seen all the original films, and he said this new one was kind of different from the old ones. I haven't seen any of the old ones, but the new Mad Max reminded me of Doomsday in that it had lots of random unexplained details that raised lots of questions for me.

After the movie we chatted for awhile, which was fun. He was pretty talkative but said that he's only that way one on one and he's actually fairly introverted and quiet in groups. I wouldn't have guessed, but then again, I guess I was talkative too. He said my stories were more interesting than his, which surprised me. I don't feel like my stories are super interesting. I talked a fair amount about my work with my client though, so I guess that could be part of it.

Graduation is only a couple weeks away! And there's so much to do before then, gah. >_<

I heard this song on the radio today and I'm really feeling it. Her lip syncing is really bad in this video though, to be honest.

I never thought that I could ever be this happy

It's a cute song. Not particularly deep or anything, but it's catchy.

Friday night I took a pole dancing class for the first time. It was pretty fun, although some parts of my body hurt afterward. I got dizzy doing some of the moves, too. I'd really like to go back, though. The place I went to has pretty reasonable rates, although I don't really have any money at the moment (haven't been paid in awhile and having to buy gas has drained my checking account :\), so it doesn't make much of a difference. A couple of my friends might do it with me though, so I'm excited for that. I did feel kind of awkward trying to do the sexy moves, not gonna lie. I kind of just like spinning around on the pole, that's the fun part. :P


Another edition of "my boyfriend, master of romance"...

Me: Sometimes I feel like I could never love another person as much as I love you.
Boyfriend: I bet you could.

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Getting close to crunch time
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
"Maple Leaves" by Jens Lekman.

She said it was all make believe
But I thought she said maple leaves
And when she talked about a fall
I thought she talked about a season
I never understood at all

I felt sort of ambivalent about this song at first, but after listening to it a few times and paying more attention to the lyrics I like it a lot more.

Between the final projects I have (one 20 minute individual presentation, two 1 hour 20 minute presentations, two 10 page papers, one 8 page paper), final exams coming up, and the game jam I'm doing with some people, I feel pretty exhausted right now. My graduation is in a bit over two weeks, so everything is piling up. It'll be nice to be done though.

My boyfriend and I were talking last night and it was kind of distressing for me at some points, but he did a good job of explaining things and reassuring me and I feel much closer to him now.

I also talked to my friend and we cleared up some ambiguities regarding the nature of our friendship. He wasn't sure if I was interested in a more-than-friends way and had interpreted some of my statements to mean that I was suggesting we'd be a good match, but I told him that I didn't like him like that and it resolved things, which is a relief. He wanted to know why my opinion of him has been decreasing and I admitted that I felt uncomfortable telling him stuff because of some of the reactions I've gotten from him. He's fairly socially awkward and I mentioned that, and he said he was hoping I could help with it. Maybe I should just make a career out of helping socially awkward guys be less awkward, because it feels like I run into this situation surprisingly often.

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Anger and efficiency
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
So I was thinking about anger.

I try not to get angry much. I don't feel like it's the most productive emotion for me, although I know it can be very productive for other people. My therapist sometimes tells me I'm "too rational" though and thinks I should let myself get angry more easily. If I felt like it served more of a purpose than maybe I would. But I don't think I need to be angry to be assertive. And I don't think avoiding anger makes me a pushover or a doormat. I just think it's easier to resolve conflicts when I can think straight. That makes sense, doesn't it? I'd rather not have to try to think through the haze of like a murderous rage or something.

And anger is one of those things that seems really satisfying in the moment but doesn't really... contribute anything in the long run a lot of the time. I kind of feel like "it'll make me feel better" is a really stupid reason to do something that won't have longer term positive consequences.

Still, despite all this, I think it is important not to just suppress any instance of anger that may occur. If I do feel angry about something I try to examine the roots of it and see if my own perspectives are the problem. After all, they say anger comes from not getting what you want. I don't think that remaining free of anger is valuable in itself, anger just gets in the way of things I think matter more.

The only instances I can think of in which anger was useful to me were situations in which:
-I was angry at myself, which motivated me to change
-I was angry at someone else, so I wanted revenge

But as I think I may have mentioned before, I feel that the best revenge is to live a happy life, because it shows that whoever I'm angry at is inconsequential to my being able to thrive. It doesn't matter what happens to them, that's not my problem. If I were to hold a grudge and dwell upon whatever happened, that's just negative for me, so I'm perpetuating my own problem. No reason to do that.


Lately I've been running into a few problems. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm hitting the edges of what I feel "comfortable" developing. Lots of my self-development in the past has been driven by feelings of deficiency or a desire to be more effective. So it's stuff I want to do. But now I'm at a place where there isn't much I can really see that I want to improve. That doesn't mean there isn't anything I could work on, though. I think there's a whole lot I could work on. It's just going to be harder because I'm comfortable where I am.

For example, when I hate someone, I really hate them. I don't want to be around them, I don't want to breathe the same air as them, I don't want to acknowledge their existence. This is not something I've ever really felt like changing. I think I probably should try, though. There's someone I'm around on a fairly regular basis that I absolutely cannot stand and I've been wondering if I should try to break down that hatred for her. We're not friends and I don't think we need to be, but my attitude toward her could probably be better. It is hard, though. The challenge is good, at least. I think I've been fairly eager to make changes in the past and that has made it significantly easier. It's like a hobby, I guess. But to get really good at something maybe you have to do things you don't necessarily like.

I remember trying to go outside my comfort zone before, and maybe this is a good time to increase that. Being open to different people and experiences (with the exception of anything like drugs that could do long lasting damage) has been helpful to me in expanding myself, but maybe I've become too settled, too content, where I am now. I'm not really going outside my comfort zone anymore, I'm just pretending to by making behavioral adjustments within realms I already know.

Gotta go find some things that make me mentally uncomfortable and figure out why, then correct for it (unless the discomfort is natural and beneficial, anyway).

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Network it
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"Private Life" by Oingo Boingo.

This song was on the radio earlier... it makes me think of my boyfriend, since he likes this band. I don't know if it's just the ones I've watched, but I feel like Danny Elfman is wearing a wife beater in every Oingo Boingo music video I've seen so far.

Yesterday night I went to some networking event. It was kind of awkward but there was free food, so that was cool. I was talking to my friend Becka's husband and these two guys came over and introduced themselves and said they were from HP, and asked what we did. Becka's husband and I ended up in separate one-on-one conversations, but his was clearly going better than mine. I don't know if it's just because the guy I was talking to was super awkward or what, but he didn't seem to have much to say after a bit, so it was just silent and he stared at me. I didn't know what to say, really. Maybe once he found out I was a student he didn't consider me a useful person to network with anymore, who knows. At the end of the event one of the people who organized it gave this speech that could basically be summed up as "networking doesn't have to be about using people for their connections, you can just be friends with them!"

Anyway, the networking thing was at this fancy hotel, and they had a room with ping pong tables off to the side (also, they had some damn swanky bathrooms), so my friend Ben and I and a couple juniors from our program just went and hit ping pong balls at each other. It was a little difficult because I was wearing a tight dress and heels, but it was fun. After that we all went and got ice cream and chatted about stuff.

And today... I got some sourdough crackers! Organic einkorn sourdough crackers, which are kinda fancy schmancy. I really like sourdough crackers but it seems to be hard to find them anywhere. :( Whole Foods used to have some awesome ones but they stopped carrying them... They're quite possibly my favorite cracker though. Even though I like various cheese crackers a lot, I think sourdough ones are better. The texture is just so much more satisfying, I guess.

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