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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Familiarity and recognition [3P]
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Yay zzzzzzzzzzz
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
This is basically how I feel right now:

Good, but so sleepy. Soooo sleepy.

I was feeling really energized and happy last night but then I ended up not going to sleep until maybe 3 AM and I had a midterm and a presentation today. I felt pretty good at school too though. Got home around half an hour ago and suddenly I just felt super sleepy.

Mayyyyyybe I will take a nap.

Oh also we got our midterms back from one of my classes today. It was a take home essay format midterm and when the prof was flipping through the stack to find mine, all the papers I saw said C or D on them, so I was kind of worried. I got an A+ though! 93 out of a possible 96 points. For one of the questions I just flat out forgot to finish answering it though, so I would have gotten 94 if not for that dumb mistake. >_> Couldn't really talk about my midterm much to anybody though, because I didn't want to make them feel bad and/or get dirty looks. I offered to help my friends for the final so they'll hopefully get better scores.

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Independence and trust
Monday, February 16, 2015
I'm procrastinating by writing this entry... I have a paper to write and a midterm to study for, as well as a presentation to practice for. Yayyy.

Sometimes I think about my attitude towards my mental/emotional health and what it means in relation to others. I sort of have this "I have to take care of myself because nobody else will/can" view on it. I mean that in the sense that I don't think anybody can solve my problems for me. It's still nice to have support from friends and family, but they can't directly fix anything for the most part.

Anyway, I wonder if that's a healthy perspective to have or if it stems from a fundamental distrust of other people. I say distrust rather than mistrust because well... I haven't had that many successful experiences with other people's attempts to help me, I guess. Fro has given me some helpful suggestions before (e.g. recommending trying to think of one thing that made me happy every day) but I can't remember the last time I was in a really bad place and anybody actually made a difference to me.

I often find myself in a supportive position, but rarely a supported position. I guess I'm lucky that my life circumstances are such that I can manage that. When I ask the people close to me for support now, mostly what I want is some companionship while I figure things out for myself. It's just nice to not feel alone. I can still manage without that support, but it feels better to not have to.

Although I haven't been severely depressed in quite awhile, I think I'm constantly aware that the next episode could always be just around the corner. It's probably pretty unlikely, given all the buffers I have in my life now, but it's not impossible. The memory of what it's like to feel so heavy I can barely lift my fingers to type is still quite vivid for me, even though I haven't felt that way in... I guess five years.

Getting better at handling things has been a long process, though I think I've actually been doing it a lot faster than some people, maybe even faster than average? I know there are people who deal with heavy depression their whole lives. I'll never really be able to know if I just don't have the same "level" of depression as people like that or if I've just been able to handle it much better. (That ever-lingering question of "Is it easier now because I just don't have it that bad or because I'm stronger?")

I feel really, really lucky whenever I think about this. I mean, it's not like the whole process has just been one happy accident after the next, and there's been a lot of effort involved, but I think the tools I started out with were still a lot better than what many other people have. I know it doesn't necessarily sound like much to other people but this is probably one of the most significant aspects of my life to me.


I don't remember most of my dream, but it involved these ominous empty rooms called "Buddha Rooms" that I think were used as torture chambers... I never found out why they called them that.


I feel really happy right now!

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On "becoming a man"
Friday, February 13, 2015
I like this song after the guy stops rapping in the first part.

You handle your own when you become a man
And become a man when you handle your own


I feel like, growing up, I was exposed to a lot of media that talked about "becoming a man"-- maturing, following some set of moral standards, being independent etc. I can't remember anything like that for "becoming a woman" though.

The sense I sort of got, I guess, was that you become a woman just by getting older, but you have to do something specific to become a man. The idea of being a woman was a lot more unfamiliar to me than the idea of being a man, since I just... never really encountered stuff explaining what one does to become a woman. Even though I'm not super masculine (in most domains at least) I feel like I sort of took the "how to become a man" framework as a more gender neutral guide to how to grow up. Maybe that makes sense. In the US at least, people usually associate a lot of the same traits with being a male and being a healthy adult. What you're supposed to be as a healthy adult female is kind of ambiguous because of this transitional culture we live in. We're not completely traditional in our gender roles but we're not completely egalitarian either, so there's a fair amount of uncertainty.

I don't think I've ever had a female role model, not really. And I don't think I've ever had the kind of teacher-student relationship that has inspired me to learn about something with another female. It's pretty much just been guys showing me things, getting me interested in new subjects. Most of what I understand about being female was stuff I had to figure out for myself by guessing at what other girls were doing, but a lot of the time I had disdain for what I saw. And my mom's never been much of a help as far as learning to be feminine goes... I think she stopped trying when I was in elementary school as far as that goes.

Anyway I have to go out now, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts out. Somehow I never really thought about this until I was looking at the lyrics for this song today.

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Quick music stuff
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I want to keep this short since I'm trying to go to bed earlier.

Songs I liked from the radio today:
"Antonio Carlos Jobim" by Heatmiser.

"Shark Attack" by Freezepop.

"Don't Laugh" by The Wedding Present.

And this is not music obviously but it amuses me.

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Eeee crowdfunding
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
It's so hard for me to resist supporting Kickstarter/Indiegogo campaigns sometimes.

There's one out for Monsterkind Book One right now, and I think I'm going to support it after I go deposit the money from my in field with my client..... It's only $25 for a soft cover! I don't talk about my growing webcomic book collection too much but I guess I rather enjoy supporting artists and having something to show for it.

There's also a KS for Broodhollow Book 2, which has gained a tremendous amount of funding in the couple days since it opened.

Before that, the last campaign I supported was the Indiegogo for Skullz 2, which sadly did not reach its goal, but which will still be made (thankfully).

One of my favorite parts of supporting these campaigns is that the rewards don't get sent out for months, so I forget about them, and then one day I get a package and it's like a surprise gift from myself in the past. I guess I kind of like that about buying from the internet in general, though. I try not to do it too often so the novelty doesn't wear off.

It's also sort of a way to keep some comics "safe" for myself in case the websites go down... I was lucky enough to be one of the people who got a Pictures for Sad Children book before the artist had some sort of breakdown and started burning the books, and the site was taken down so you can't see them there anymore. At least this way I have some of the comics (besides the ones that were meaningful enough to me to save prior to... all that).

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No context best context
Monday, February 9, 2015
[12:01:32 PM] Dan: I lay on top of gravel piles for their healing properties

[2:43:56 PM] Dan: Snow is actually poison
[2:47:34 PM] Me: We'll just send it to all the freeloaders living in LA.

[5:38:04 PM] Me: That seems small
[5:38:11 PM] Dan: ...For what
[5:38:14 PM] Dan: A dick, or a bag of rice

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Monday, February 9, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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