Didn't know this song was so popular. The comments suggest it's been in a lot of commercials, though, so I guess that's probably why.

"Welcome Home" by Radical Face.


It's my last night in Hawaii. This hasn't been the most exciting trip, but I got to knock a fair number of movies off my to-watch list, so it wasn't too bad. It'll be nice to get home and see some of my friends. It'll also be nice to use my own computer. The one I use here is super slow and old and it runs Windows XP, so the browser can't even handle Flash or anything. I can type on it and have a couple tabs open at once in Firefox (this computer can't handle Chrome), but it's not good for much more.

I watched most of this really dumb movie called Unfriended with my uncle tonight. It's a horror movie about a group of awful teenagers who apparently drink and party and sleep around, are dishonest jerks, and who have really shallow, one-dimensional personalities. The only thing sort of interesting about it was that the whole movie takes place on this girl's computer screen, so you see things from her perspective. You only see her when she's on cam, Skyping with her friends. She's supposed to be in high school though and she doesn't know what a troll is, how to copy and paste or select all from a keyboard, and some other things that really don't make much sense. This movie isn't even worth watching for any bad movie entertainment value. It's not really funny, it's just kind of boring and distasteful. I'm glad we didn't spend money to see it, but man, that's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Eugh.

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Sometimes lately I feel sort of like I'm someone's imaginary friend who got separated from their person. Like other people can't really see me, but they pretend they can, and they interact with me just to humor whoever imagined me. I feel kind of insubstantial and unreal, invisible, ephemeral. Placeless.

---Edit---

This morning I woke up to a text from my friend that said "If awesomeness were legal tender, then any time you visited a country you'd destabilize their economy." It was a nice way to start the day, I guess. We half-made plans to hang out the day after I get back from Hawaii, so that's something to look forward to... And then the next day, I'm going to do stuff with my friend Trevor for his birthday, I think. We haven't decided what to do yet, but it's probably going to take all day.

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I feel... alright right now. Clear. Pretty clear.

Not sure if things are getting back on track yet or not. I'm gonna hold off on hoping for anything at the moment, I think.

---

Last night I went to Waikiki with my mom and her friend and got a new dress. It was only $20, which was cool, and it was made in the USA, which is cooler. I'll post a picture when I get back home, if I remember. It's a lace bodycon dress, and it's a bit short, but I think it looks good. Not totally sure where I'll wear it yet, since I don't really go to many things where I need to look... nice and maybe a little sexy, but I'm sure I'll find an occasion it's suited to. Maybe a party or something.

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"Guilty Pleasures" by Point B.

I think I've posted this before. It's still one of my favorite songs though.

Listening to it tonight, I felt like I was on my back, floating in an open white room with windows in the ceiling, slowly reaching out my hand to dip my fingers in the sunlight.

It was a good feeling, I guess.

I've been eating a lot of applesauce and fish jerky here. It's hard to find reasonably priced fish jerky at home, so I sort of overdo it when I'm in Hawaii, I think. We found this brand, Kaimana, that I like a lot. They only had the teriyaki flavor at Costco, which I'm likely to get sick of, but we're looking around for other stores that might have other flavors. I'm really hoping we find the more savory ones. I nearly finished the first (9 oz) bag in two days, so I should probably pace myself if we get more...

The past few days I've felt sort of out of time. Not like I've run out of time, but like I'm not interacting with time. It's the least busy I've been in months, and I don't really know what to do to fill up my schedule. Mostly I've been trying to knock out movies on my to-watch list. Five down so far.

Activities seem kind of empty without anyone to do them with. I went to the mall with my friend Matt today, but I think I would've preferred to just hang out and talk, rather than shop. He suggested going to the mall because there are people I need to get stuff for, but I guess I felt a bit of pressure to adhere to that goal and didn't wander around as much as I would on my own. I might go back with my mom, so maybe I'll just browse then...

My uncle has asked me a couple times now if I feel like I was born in the wrong era because of the music I listen to. He thinks that I seem to listen to a lot of older stuff, which is true, but I also listen to a lot of things I don't share with my family. I specifically create playlists of songs I think will appeal more to him and my family to play in the car when I'm here. I guess I try to do that whenever I'm playing my music for other people. I don't want to share things with people that I don't think they'll appreciate. Maybe that's why I feel like such a private person now sometimes.

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"I Think I Need a New Heart" by The Magnetic Fields.


Well, I'm in Hawaii. I don't really want to be here though. I don't really want to be anywhere. It doesn't "feel" like I'm depressed, but there's this sense of something bad being in my chest. Like my insides were hollowed out and someone injected me with expanding foam. My heart and my lungs are still there, sort of, but they're crowded and constricted. I've been trying to figure out how to describe the feeling for a few days now. It used to be so easy to pin a physical description on things, back when I felt disconnected from normal emotional words. In some ways I miss being dissociated. It was definitely distressing at times, but I guess there was a safety to it.

Everything feels flat and dull. I keep thinking that maybe eating might be enjoyable in some regard, but nothing seems to taste that good. As far as I can tell it doesn't actually taste different, but it's like my ability to feel pleasure has diminished greatly. I do get physically hungry sometimes, and I want to eat, but food is just disappointing.

"If You Don't Cry" by The Magnetic Fields.

If you don't cry, then you just don't feel it deep enough

I wonder how often that's true.

---

I'm starting to feel like I need to get a laptop. My tablet is okay for doing some things, but it's getting old, and with all the traveling I've been doing, it doesn't seem like enough. It would be nice to be able to videochat when I'm away from home. Or just to be able to videochat lying on my bed instead of sitting at my desk.

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Cici escaped today. Her cage was outside and I guess she just squeezed through a gap. I was in shock for a bit after I found out, but now my heart just hurts. It still feels like I only just lost Romeo and now she's gone too...

It's too much... it's just too much...

I've been posting listings on different websites for lost birds, and reading the other posts is breaking my heart over and over again.

What's worse is that I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I can hardly do anything beyond posting lost ads to different sites. I don't know my neighbors and I don't have time to post flyers around the neighborhood. It feels so hopeless and it's hard to stay proactive about finding her through the grief.

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