Thursday. 10.5.06 11:51 pm
She's right I guess. My friend, Kristina, that is.
"You go through something like that and it changes you."
I'm never going to shake it. My past. What still lurks in the depths of me. Knowing that something that horrible and frightening can be inside me is... well, horrible and frightening. Most times it just seems like a series of bad dreams, you know? There's no way that it could all be true. But it is. Monica would say something along the lines that there isn't any separate entities. It's all the same person. So, what does that mean? Who does that make me? Who have I become? Who have my friends become? Is there no return? Are we all trully this lost? All we can do is but to keep going? Somehow, that doesn't seem fair. But life isn't fair, I guess. So what does all this mean? I wish I could cast this evil to the pits of hell, where it belongs. The bible speaks of how this is my sinful nature. I guess, no matter how faithful you try to be, the possibility to slip is still there. Part of being in this world I guess.
I have alot in my heart. Too much. I can't write it down. It's like squeezing out a brick out of ketchup bottle. This is solid. It's had no place to go for such a long time, thus solidifying.
Maybe someday, it'll work itself out? ha... What'll probably happen is someone or something will come along and tear open that ketchup bottle and remove this brick. If not, the ketchup bottle will just become part of the brick with time.
However cheesy this may be, these lines from Angel the TV show, got to me today.
Fred (In reference to Angel): What do you think he'll do?
Gunn: What he has to. Like he always does.
Fred: Will it make a difference? If we really are just pieces being moved around a board?
Gunn: Then we'll kick it over and start a new game. Look, [Skip] can yap all he wants about [his master's] cosmic plan, but here's a little somethin' I picked up [fighting evil] these past couple of years - the final score can't be rigged. I don't care how many players you grease. That last shot always comes up a question mark. But here's the thing - you never know when you're taking it. It could be when you're duking it out with the Legion of Doom or just crossing the street deciding where to have brunch. So you just treat it all like it was up to you, the world in the balance, 'cause you never know when it is.
Some like it rough
Monday. 10.2.06 4:54 pm
I just wasn't in the mood for it today.
What clued me in was when I started to get a headache from lack of sleep, or the smell of ethanol, as I drove home to wash my gas drenched flip-flop wearin' feet. I used to like the smell of gas. Ethanol has changed that for me. That or having one's feet drenched in it. So it was at this moment that I realized I had barely been up less than 2 hours and I had already missed my first class. So I went home like a loser and slept. I gave up and I'd do it again. There's just some days that you just have to stop fighting it. Today was one of them.
This weekend wasn't too bad, though. I had a get together Saturday with my family. The burgers RAWKED. Is it sad that that's all I remember? Wait... Oh. And Josh and Drake, from the Disney channel, remind me of Andrew and I. It was horrid. Josh was reminding me of myself when he got on the plane and two immensly obese and obnoxious people sat on either side of him. This has actually happened to me before. However, it got ridiculous when two extremely attractive girls came and sat on either side of Drake on the plane a few rows in front of Josh. A few minutes later Drake was making out with both of them. This, also, has happened to Andrew. I love that man, but MAN, do I ever wish I could have his luck. We are nothing short of brothers separated at birth. Yet, I often feel as if I'm the Bizarro to his Superman. We're so alike yet the few differences do have are significant.
Then Sunday we had church. It was quite different. I don't know how to feel about it just yet. The pastors have been attempting to find us a good building to move into, however, this has been a difficult process since our members keep disappearing and the few we do have aren't dedicated. I feel as I'm one of the handful of people who care. And yet again, I'm the only one my age. So money isn't something we have much of. But still, a pastor from another church is offering his old building to our pastors to move into. We were going to do it, but decided as of late that we wouldn't be able to afford it. The pastor from that church contacted our pastor two weeks ago. He says that he is certain that he feels that God is telling him that we are the church that is meant to take over that building and that he is willing make whatever compromises to get us in. This building would be a HUGE blessing to us. It has far more room than our make-shift church in a warehouse that we have now. There is a large sanctuary with a balcony, an dinning area with a kitchen, a building for offices, a building for childrens rooms, and A GYM with a couple rooms... for the youth. This is and has been the biggest hopes I've had as of late. However, my church members are what worry me...
But this last Sunday, to return to my main point, we had a joint service (the spanish and english congregations) at this new building, just for that day, followed by a meal at the dinning area there. It would start at 11am, when the english service usually starts. Our youth class starts at 9:30, when the spanish service starts, and ends in time for the english service. In this case, one would figure the youth would be glad that no class was going on this last Sunday, since no spanish service was to happen. But to my surprise, my youth begged for us to have class still. I obviously agreed. We had it at our usually place at the usual time and had to go pick up most of the kids. Luckly, my friend Kristina, who has started attending my church, spent the previous night in our "den/guest room/my old room" and was able to help picking up kids in her car. Most of them were friends of the usual attendees. I was quite content! After our class we headed over to the other building. After the service we went over to the dinning area. And there was a cake that said "Happy Birthday Aldo". Turns out that whole meal afterwards was for me in the first place. I was stunned. I won't lie, I held back tears. Stinkin kindness and love... I always wonder if they realize JUST how much I do care about them. They are my family, through and through. The blood we share in common is not the kind that runs through our veins, but the kind that was spilt for us.
So, overall it should have been a wonderful weekend. Yet, every night, just before I fall asleep... I realize just how sad I am. I don't feel empty. I feel as if I was betrayed. As if I'm not living. I'm surviving. I don't know how to explain it. But I just don't feel quite there anymore. Almost as if every day is a dream. Wake up the next day and it's just as meaningless as the rest of the previous days.
Where has my heart gone, I wonder?
I've decided. I'm going to find a way to North Carolina. I'm going this month. If not be Thanksgiving, for sure. I want to see Wake Forest. I want to see this place that seems to promise what little hope there may be, just like my youth seem to promise what little hope there may be for my church, whether anyone realizes it or not.
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