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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Wednesday, August 12, 2015
I found this article while I was trying to find a comment I've been thinking about.

10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression

It's a pretty simple list, but I think this one in particular has been a disappointment in my life:
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won�t scare you away because they have an illness.

I can't remember anybody ever telling me they would be able to handle my depression and being true to their word. The people who promised they could take it had good intentions, I'm sure, but they all ended up distancing themselves from me in some way. Although I understand that this is to preserve their own mental health, it's still discouraging. I feel like I have to be careful about how I expose my moods to my friends, because the depression will drive away everyone I have eventually, if I don't keep it under wraps. The fear of losing all the people I care about has increased as of late because of this mood instability I've been dealing with. Right now I feel... okay, though... so I hope I don't get any more intense mood swings.

My friend's birthday party is on Friday, so I'm looking forward to that. I'd like to get her something more than what I already did though, so I should probably shop around. Besides that... I'm hoping I can hang out with people soon. It's been a long time since I've seen my friends. :\

"With a Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles.

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Being interested
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Last night I was in a chatroom and someone posted a link to an article that said this:
If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it�s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it�s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it.

I feel like appreciating people was something I was trying to work on, but I've been falling behind with it recently. Other things in my life have gotten in the way. I want to get back on track with it, though. It's an important skill to have, and I know it will enrich my life if I can keep it going.

A different article on that site discussed gratitude and how practicing it can make you happier. My dad said once that one of his friends can find a sincere compliment to give anybody, and that was her talent, and I feel like it's a similar idea. Being able to find something positive about anyone makes you appreciate people more, and people are such a big part of the world that I think if you can do that, the world will seem better.

There are a few things that regularly circulate through my thoughts along these lines. For example, this line from "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger:

But if you're bored then you're boring

It connects back to that first quote I posted up there, I think. It's not the world's job to entertain you, it's nobody's responsibility to make you interested in them. We aren't kings and queens who get to sit around and behead court jesters if we're not amused by their antics. I wonder if the ability to amuse ourselves is disappearing since so many of us now have constant access to the internet, TV, games, and so on. Numbed by a life of excess... (Maybe I should rewatch Le Feu Follet, it seems relevant to this)

It's strange to think about, because I mean, I'm part of it and all. I do get annoyed and frustrated if my internet goes out. I find I don't have the patience for a lot of things I used to like, like reading books. I did read A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich recently, and liked it, but starting a new book seems vaguely unappealing. When I was younger I never felt like that... I used to have stacks of books all over my floor because I get new books and read them and not have anywhere to put them. Reading is something I still value, so maybe I should do it more. It's mostly starting that's hard. I've had Bushido and Notes from the Underground in my bookmarks for awhile though, so I might try to start those. I don't like reading on the computer, but I guess it's still better than nothing. (And hey, it's free)

Well, this entry took a different turn than I was expecting, and I still want to post some pictures from Hawaii at some point. Next entry, I guess.

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Almost escaped
Sunday, August 2, 2015
I'm listening to "High Rise" by Ladytron right now and it kind of feels like breathing in darkness.


It was my friend Trevor's birthday today. He came down to San Jose and we hung out and did a bunch of stuff. We started by doing one of those real life escape the room games. Our group had seven Chinese (I think?) people who all knew each other and the two of us. They had all played before, and it was our first time. We almost made it... but we ran out of time. It was a lot of fun though, and I'd love to do another one sometime. We did get to see the final key, and the staff had put a little piece of tape on it that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY", which I thought was cute.

After that we got Ethiopian food for lunch. It was his first time, but he wants to be more adventurous with food, so I might try to introduce him to some different cuisines. He liked the texture of the injera a lot, to the point where he said he felt like he would eat it if it just happened to be around and he was watching TV or something, haha.

Headed to Villa Montalvo once we'd finished lunch and wandered around a little. We ended up kinda hiking through what I feel could reasonably be called a forest of spiders. There were spiderwebs everywhere-- on the trees, on the ground, dotting the sides of the hill... I mean, we didn't actually see any spiders, but there were so many webs, I really don't think all of them were deserted. It was kind of horrifying,to be honest.

Me: I can't actually see any spiders...
Trevor: Maybe these are just their summer homes. Oh, wait...

Once we were done with that, we went to the Winchester Mystery House and did the full tour of the grounds. It was his first time seeing it, and my... gosh, I don't know, like fourth or fifth time, maybe? I didn't remember a lot of things though, and it had been a long time since I'd done the behind-the-scenes tour, so it was still cool. Anyway, each tour guide makes the experience a little different.

Santana Row is across from the House, so after the tours, we walked over there and got some freezes from Pressed Juicery. They're like... soft serve, but they're vegan and made with fruits and veggies and stuff, nothing else. I got a chocolate one and he got a vanilla one. They basically have the same ingredients (almonds, dates, sea salt, and... something else I forgot. Maybe coconut?) with the exception, which was cacao for mine and vanilla for his. We tried each other's though and I kind of wish I'd gotten a vanilla too, because it was really good. The texture is a little grainier than ice cream, but otherwise, I feel like you'd never know there wasn't dairy in it.

We hung out and chatted for a little while, then I took him back to the Caltrain station. I made a mix CD for him as a birthday present with a song for each letter of "happy birthday", so I hope he likes some of the songs. Usually he likes my music recommendations, but there were a few things on the CD that are a little different than what I usually share with him, so I guess I'll see how it turns out.

All in all it was a pretty good day. Yesterday was good too. I hung out with a different friend and we wandered around Stanford a bit because he's going to be doing a master's program there starting in the fall. I think hanging out with people has helped my mood a lot.

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Don't watch Unfriended, just don't
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Didn't know this song was so popular. The comments suggest it's been in a lot of commercials, though, so I guess that's probably why.

"Welcome Home" by Radical Face.

It's my last night in Hawaii. This hasn't been the most exciting trip, but I got to knock a fair number of movies off my to-watch list, so it wasn't too bad. It'll be nice to get home and see some of my friends. It'll also be nice to use my own computer. The one I use here is super slow and old and it runs Windows XP, so the browser can't even handle Flash or anything. I can type on it and have a couple tabs open at once in Firefox (this computer can't handle Chrome), but it's not good for much more.

I watched most of this really dumb movie called Unfriended with my uncle tonight. It's a horror movie about a group of awful teenagers who apparently drink and party and sleep around, are dishonest jerks, and who have really shallow, one-dimensional personalities. The only thing sort of interesting about it was that the whole movie takes place on this girl's computer screen, so you see things from her perspective. You only see her when she's on cam, Skyping with her friends. She's supposed to be in high school though and she doesn't know what a troll is, how to copy and paste or select all from a keyboard, and some other things that really don't make much sense. This movie isn't even worth watching for any bad movie entertainment value. It's not really funny, it's just kind of boring and distasteful. I'm glad we didn't spend money to see it, but man, that's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Eugh.

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An approximate description
Wedneday, July 29, 2015
Sometimes lately I feel sort of like I'm someone's imaginary friend who got separated from their person. Like other people can't really see me, but they pretend they can, and they interact with me just to humor whoever imagined me. I feel kind of insubstantial and unreal, invisible, ephemeral. Placeless.


This morning I woke up to a text from my friend that said "If awesomeness were legal tender, then any time you visited a country you'd destabilize their economy." It was a nice way to start the day, I guess. We half-made plans to hang out the day after I get back from Hawaii, so that's something to look forward to... And then the next day, I'm going to do stuff with my friend Trevor for his birthday, I think. We haven't decided what to do yet, but it's probably going to take all day.

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In this moment
Sunday, July 26, 2015
I feel... alright right now. Clear. Pretty clear.

Not sure if things are getting back on track yet or not. I'm gonna hold off on hoping for anything at the moment, I think.


Last night I went to Waikiki with my mom and her friend and got a new dress. It was only $20, which was cool, and it was made in the USA, which is cooler. I'll post a picture when I get back home, if I remember. It's a lace bodycon dress, and it's a bit short, but I think it looks good. Not totally sure where I'll wear it yet, since I don't really go to many things where I need to look... nice and maybe a little sexy, but I'm sure I'll find an occasion it's suited to. Maybe a party or something.

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Subnormality reflections [4P]
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Misc. thoughts
Sunday, July 19, 2015
"Guilty Pleasures" by Point B.

I think I've posted this before. It's still one of my favorite songs though.

Listening to it tonight, I felt like I was on my back, floating in an open white room with windows in the ceiling, slowly reaching out my hand to dip my fingers in the sunlight.

It was a good feeling, I guess.

I've been eating a lot of applesauce and fish jerky here. It's hard to find reasonably priced fish jerky at home, so I sort of overdo it when I'm in Hawaii, I think. We found this brand, Kaimana, that I like a lot. They only had the teriyaki flavor at Costco, which I'm likely to get sick of, but we're looking around for other stores that might have other flavors. I'm really hoping we find the more savory ones. I nearly finished the first (9 oz) bag in two days, so I should probably pace myself if we get more...

The past few days I've felt sort of out of time. Not like I've run out of time, but like I'm not interacting with time. It's the least busy I've been in months, and I don't really know what to do to fill up my schedule. Mostly I've been trying to knock out movies on my to-watch list. Five down so far.

Activities seem kind of empty without anyone to do them with. I went to the mall with my friend Matt today, but I think I would've preferred to just hang out and talk, rather than shop. He suggested going to the mall because there are people I need to get stuff for, but I guess I felt a bit of pressure to adhere to that goal and didn't wander around as much as I would on my own. I might go back with my mom, so maybe I'll just browse then...

My uncle has asked me a couple times now if I feel like I was born in the wrong era because of the music I listen to. He thinks that I seem to listen to a lot of older stuff, which is true, but I also listen to a lot of things I don't share with my family. I specifically create playlists of songs I think will appeal more to him and my family to play in the car when I'm here. I guess I try to do that whenever I'm playing my music for other people. I don't want to share things with people that I don't think they'll appreciate. Maybe that's why I feel like such a private person now sometimes.

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