Wednesday. 2.17.10 9:52 pm
You know what made my day feel really okay?
I was laying on the love seat in my family room with my dog laying practically right on me (she likes attention [understatement]), the sun was setting, and the lights were all off. Everything was very warm and comfortable, and for the moment I felt no stress.
Just for a minute or two, it looked and felt exactly like eight o' clock on a summer night.
It's really nice to have moments like that, after a long, stress-filled, winter day.
Tuesday. 2.16.10 6:35 pm
It's like that compulsion I had, after breaking up with a guy, to keep him with me, but there was never any interest here and everything is topsy turvy because I never chose...I never would have chosen...I never did choose. I could italicize this sentence. I could bold it. I could underline it. I could type it in caps. Regardless.
I dreamt, the other night, that someone raped me. The dream didn't go into great detail, there. It more so went into detail afterward, when I walked outside and there were news crews everywhere, hoarding me with questions. I don't get it. That's such a morbid thing to do in such a circumstance.
But regardless. I walked past and asked for the most-watched news station, and found a newscaster who fit my needs. She asked me a question and, microphone in hand, I ignored her. I looked straight into the camera. I said, "I picked this news station because it's most popular. Chances are, you're watching, somewhere. I want you to know that you did not break me."
I woke up.
I think that, even in real life, I would say it.
Wednesday. 2.3.10 7:11 pm
Okay, so there are two colleges I want, and now I'm leaning towards the other.
Before the campus visit, it was all good. I had made my choice. Jovial stuff. But NOW...
Do you know what they do at Columbia? They give you a full ride if you have a 1300 or higher on the SAT (just the two scores). I have a 1260, and I'm taking it one more time in March (this time with a full night's sleep). With luck...I could forget about college fees and coming out of my undergrad flat broke. I could really concentrate on saving up money for law school! THAT IS FANTASTIC!
ALSO! they have this thing that they do in the junior year for people with a political science major. They let them take internships in D.C.
Holy cow. I could work for the Pentagon.
Or, they let the students work in the South Carolina state house.
How cool is that. Seriously. Seriously.
And, the final part that made my jaw drop and the happiness go WHEEWHEEWHEEWHEEWHEE:
They have a literary magazine.
I'm spinning, trying to figure out which I want more...but I already sort of know.
You know I know.
A Green Bikini Top.
Monday. 2.1.10 12:44 am
I guess I have this sort of expectation that's been holding me back for a while, now. The other night, I finally just outright admitted to Neb that, yeah, I've toyed with men a lot in the past. Partially, I feel like it's because they let me. But I know that I can be manipulative, emotionally. Never anything more. I don't lie knowingly with stuff like that.
I just don't.
On some levels, I feel like I never really admitted it to myself, and therefore didn't come to terms with exactly how weird it is, and how badly it needs to end. I find myself settling, a lot, for people who just don't fit the people I want to be with. And, at points, it makes sense that I date so many different, equally strange people...but on the other hand...
Maybe it's just my way of saying that I'm not there, yet. That I'm not ready to settle, and you can't make me. If you try, I stay for a while, but then it's full reverse.
This is what I think about on Sunday nights, around 12:48 in the morning.
At the same time, though, I feel like--if it had ever been perfect--things would have been different. That settling into a real, committed...thing would have been plausible. I may be forever changing and forever self-completing, but I think I could handle a complement. If a green-yellow ever did come along to my shade of raspberry, that is. If one came into my life and had the nerve to stay.
I'm in no rush to settle down. That's partially why I'm so excited to probably go off to an all-female college. It's really a chance for me to just stay away, for a while. If something comes along that's really worth it to me, I think I'll know. Because of the distance, and everything. If nothing comes along that feels worthy...it's better, that way. It will be a lot easier to just say No.
Maybe...my conscience just does a bad job at that? Learning when to say No?
I think I've made my college decision, and of all birthdays to make it on, this would be the most ironic.
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