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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Saturday, May 2, 2015
I started reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl with my boyfriend. We are around halfway through now, I think. It's very short, less than two hundred pages, but it's very engaging and interesting.

There are a lot of excerpts I like, and I feel like I relate a lot to the themes in it, though I feel almost like I'm exaggerating my own experiences of suffering or demeaning Frankl's by making such a comparison-- after all, he went through the Holocaust, and well... nothing remotely similar has happened in my life. My boyfriend pointed out that external circumstances don't necessarily determine the intensity of the subjective experience of suffering. He has a point, I guess. I mean I still don't think anything in my life could compare to what happened to Frankl, but perhaps there is no point in comparing such things.

Anyway, this bit from pages 102-103 stood out to me:

"God knows, I was not in the mood to give psychological explanations or to preach any sermons - to offer my comrades a kind of medical care of their souls. I was cold and hungry, irritable and tired, but I had to make the effort and use this unique opportunity. Encouragement was now more necessary than ever."

It reminded me of something I've been trying to do in my own life-- have compassion and understanding for others even when I'm in a bad mood or I don't like them. I know people's intentions are often better than their actions show, and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. The key word here, of course, is try; I'm making an attempt, but I don't know how often I'm succeeding.

I described my thought process in carrying this out to my therapist, and he remarked that I was "generous"-- a more positive way to say "too nice" or "too forgiving" perhaps, haha. Being "too nice" is only a problem insofar as it prevents you from taking care of yourself though, and I don't think I'm doing that. I'm just trying to practice unconditional positive regard in my life... I don't know if I've felt it within my own life (outside of dreams), but I would like to be able to make other people feel it, if I can.

At the same time, I don't want to have these lofty goals and pat myself on the back for being "such a good person"-- if my behaviors have no visible positive effect, my intentions don't matter all that much. A passage from one of my textbooks made me think about this more.

If you don't want to read all that, the gist is this: we know our own intentions but know only others' actions, therefore we tend to judge ourselves more positively than we judge others. I'm trying (there it is again: "trying"!) to compensate for this tendency by finding out what people's intentions are before judging them for their actions, and by considering how my own actions come off when nobody can see what my intentions were. I can, I guess, be satisfied with myself for taking these measures, but I cannot expect that anybody else should acknowledge my efforts if they see no fruition, and I shouldn't exhibit overblown attitudes about myself.

I'm really confused about why this video is of a guy using a weedwhacker, but uh, here's "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2015
So, due to some unfortunate circumstances, I can't hang out with Kyle this weekend after all. :( I don't know about my other friend... I sort of told my client I could do in field on Friday with him in San Francisco, so I might have to go up there anyway. I should bill him for the travel time, though.

More music...

"I Want To" by Best Coast.

I want you so much
I miss you so much
I want to go back to the first time, the first place

The lyrics are really simple/repetitive but I like it.

Also, "Long Train Running" by The Doobie Brothers.


My therapist often points out that I smile or laugh when I'm talking about things I find sort of annoying or unpleasant. I... guess he's right? Maybe it's like, I'm laughing or smiling because I don't like those things, but it's also like, well, what can you do? It feels better to laugh about things than to get upset or angry over them. If it's something I feel very strongly about though I generally don't laugh. I don't think I've been super angry about anything in awhile, though. Maybe that's good? I dunno.

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No music this time
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Eeee, this is too cute!

Pet Portrait - Budgerigar on Etsy

But this is even cuter:

Budgies in a bowl.


After school I chatted with Frosan and Ben for a couple hours and we had a really good talk. I didn't leave feeling super energized and happy like I sometimes do after these conversations, but I've always felt more fulfilled afterwards, and that didn't change. We're hoping to hang out this weekend, just get together and eat some food and chat. I think the three of us have always had really good, insightful discussions about stuff.

The other day Frosan said something about wondering, early on when she was first meeting people in our cohort, "Am I going to be friends with this person for the rest of my life?" I was thinking about that during our discussion. I think I'd definitely like to be friends with both Ben and Frosan for the rest of my life, unless we change so significantly we don't get along anymore. Both of them are good listeners and supportive and have good points to make, and those are all valuable things to me.


Unrelated to anything else, my phone has some weird/sort crappy interface and function things going on (I can't set individual text tones!) and it's mildly obnoxious but so trivial I mostly don't notice it. The text tone thing does bum me out though. I like setting specific tones for certain people. Having the same tone for everyone makes texts disappointing sometimes, like if I'm hoping for a text from my boyfriend and it ends up being my client.

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I guess I've been doing a lot of music entries
Monday, April 27, 2015
"Treat Me Right" by Pat Benatar.

You want me to leave
You want me to stay
You ask me to come back
You turn and walk away
You wanna be lovers
And you wanna be friends
I'm losing my patience
You're nearing the end
One of these days
You're gonna reach out and find
The one that you count on
Has left you behind
Don't want to be no martyr
With no one, no say
Oh my, my baby
Before it's too late

Treat me right
Treat me right
Open your eyes
Maybe you'll see the light


I'm in a sentimental mood. It makes me want to write something, to or for somebody, but I don't know who I'd do that for. I kind of just want to tell someone in my life how much they mean to me and how highly I think of them. It's easier to write these things than it is to say them. I think I have a hard time giving deeply felt appreciation out loud. It's something that seems very serious to me, and getting the wrong kind of reaction to it is... disheartening, maybe to the point of being painful? There are just some people I think the world of, to use a term I've probably repeated too many times, and it's hard to share that. Just saying something like "I think you're an awesome person" feels so shallow and diminutive. It would be like trying to describe your favorite food and saying "it tastes good." It's vague to the point of being almost meaningless.

Strong Female Protagonist has been really good lately and it makes me wish I could write a comic like that. Well, I guess I wish I could write anything serious without feeling like it's pretentious or melodramatic. It's so much easier to write things that are humorous, but I hate feeling like I use that as some defense to hide behind. I made some small edits to the last serious piece I wrote, but the whole thing just seems cliché and juvenile and I feel dissatisfied with it.

People tell me I'm "good" at writing but I don't know what to say to that other than that I just write what I'm thinking. I'd like to get better at writing but I don't know how I can do that. I'm sort of put off by "writer" types and don't want to go to any conferences or read books on theory. Getting some useful critical feedback would probably be most helpful, but almost all the feedback I ever get on my writing is "I like this" or "great line" and equally useless comments. I mean, it's nice to get praise, but it sort of prevents me from growing, I guess. I'm having that same problem at school, too. Getting good grades is fine and dandy but I feel like, considering all the time I've spent in school these past couple years, I haven't improved much. There have been a couple things here and there that did have an impact on my worldview, but I don't feel like my writing or thinking processes have gotten a whole lot better.

Maybe after I graduate I'll take a writing class or something and see if it helps me brush up on my skills.

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A few gala pictures [3P]
Monday, April 27, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Outing pictures of various sorts [2P]
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Something from PS
Sunday, April 19, 2015
I saw this on Postsecret.

It's a sad, simply-worded secret that sums up a lot of complicated things, and it stood out to me.

It's 3 AM.

(My mind autocompleted that with "She won't put out, let's go make out with her friends..." because of Mindless Self Indulgence)

Stayed up too late talking to my friend again. Derps.

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TMF again
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I heard this song on the radio for the first time today and instantly loved it. I've been listening to it on repeat (alternating with "Andrew in Drag" by the same band) whenever I've had the chance. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's by The Magnetic Fields (shaping up to be my favorite band?).

"The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side" by The Magnetic Fields.

Andy would bicycle across town
In the rain to bring you candy
And John would buy the gown
For you to wear to the prom
With Tom the astronomer, who'd name a star for you

But I'm the luckiest guy
On the Lower East Side
'Cause I've got wheels
And you want to go for a ride

Harry is the one I think you'll marry
But it's Chris that you kissed after school
Well, I'm a fool, there's no doubt
But when the sun comes out
And only when the sun comes out

I'm the luckiest guy
On the Lower East Side
'Cause I've got wheels
And you want to go for a ride

The day is beautiful and so are you
My car is ugly but then I'm ugly too
I know you'd never give me a second glance
But when the weather's nice all the other guys don't stand a chance

I know Professor Blumen makes you feel like a woman
But when the wind is in your hair you laugh like a little girl
So you share secrets with Lou, but we've got secrets too
Well, one: I only keep this heap for you

'Cause I'm the ugliest guy
On the Lower East Side
But I've got wheels
And you want to go for a ride
Want to go for a ride?
Want to go for a ride?
Want to go for a ride?

It's such a beautiful, sweet, and maybe sad song. It has a particular vibe I'm really fond of but don't know how to describe well. Maybe... sad-but-making-the-best-of-things? Like when you're a kid and you're old enough to understand and appreciate the last day of summer before you have to go back to school...? I'm not sure if that's really right. I feel a similar thread in "We Are Young" by Fun ("Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun"). That small sadness that accompanies the understanding that a happy moment will not last forever? I think that's a better way to put it.

Nothing is ever permanent, and that's wonderful and terrible all at once.

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