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Memores acti prudentes futuri


It may get bad when you're lonely and cold
but say it to me anyway
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
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IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
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Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
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The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
The pressure!
Monday, March 9, 2015
This guy who's been visiting my profile on OKC for years finally messaged me. He said he's had me bookmarked for a long time and thought he'd send me a message. Now I feel like there's pressure on me to be cool and interesting so it seems like it was worth it to have me bookmarked all that time. >.>

It is kind of exciting though, I guess. I've had one other repeat visitor that has never contacted me to my knowledge, and I don't know what's holding him back. Well actually no, I guess I do... His profile says he's only interested in long term dating and I've never been single when he's visited me. So I'm guessing that's it.

I was talking with my friend Alice just now about guys with skills. It started off kind of as a joke when we were discussing programming last night and how neither of us really knows how to do it. I feel like it would be really cool to have programming skills, but I wouldn't even know where to start with it, and I feel like I get confused easily by it (maybe because the people I talk to about it go over specifics and I don't know the basics).

Alice: There are people to pay to do that for me.
Me: There are people to date to do that for me. XD
Alice: Lol! I suppose I suppose.
Me: As Napoleon Dynamite once said, girls like guys with skills.
Alice: Hella skills. I only like guys with at least 3 skills.

We went on to discuss whether or not the kind of skills mattered, and I jokingly suggested basket weaving, pancake flipping, and masterful toaster oven fixing. She said she would find those acceptable. Then I asked what skills her boyfriend has to compete with the hypothetical basket-weaving, pancake-flipping, toaster oven-fixing guy we were talking about, and she listed a few things, including obedience and patience. I thought it was kind of funny that she mentioned those as skills. I guess she's right, though, in a way. They are things that you can cultivate and get better at, so in that sense they are skills. Patience is something I'm always trying to increase, myself. To some extent I feel like impatience is connected to selfishness. Like, not being able to look past your own wants, I guess. I'm not sure though, I haven't thought about it too much.

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More movie things
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Last night I saw VAN valami furcsa és megmagyarázhatatlan (For Some Inexplicable Reason) with my friend Alex. It's a Hungarian comedy about a 29-going-on-30 unemployed guy whose girlfriend recently-ish broke up with him. We both thought it was pretty good. The main character was pretty awkward and maybe kind of ineffectual too. He didn't seem to have any particularly defining qualities to him. Still, you got a sense that he was just having a really hard time dealing with the breakup and that was affecting him.

What I really liked about the film was that it didn't have the kind of storyline you'd expect from an American movie that had the theme "guy got broken up with recently." I feel like American movies, at least the more mainstream ones, almost always "solve" the dumped character's problems by having them find someone new. There's this implication that if you just pave over the past with a new relationship, you'll be happy and things will be fine. I don't think that's necessarily true, though, and I think if that's the only message people are presented with, it can mislead them.

In this movie, the main character does find a new girlfriend, but his feelings for her fade and he still thinks about his ex. He ends up leaving the new one, but he seems to get over his ex anyway, and he meets with his ex at a cafe or something just to chat and catch up a bit. There was no "happily ever after" type ending, and the character wasn't suddenly imbued with a passion for life. He still didn't have a great job, although he had developed a new hobby (which was briefly referenced a few times-- you don't actually see it too much). All in all though, he seemed like he was okay. It felt realistic, I guess.

While we were driving home, we talked about the movie a little. Since it was a Hungarian film we were trying to figure out if anything we saw was a specific cultural difference between Hungarian and American culture. I think the most prominent difference was how much people smiled. Expressiveness in general seemed like it was lower in this movie than the average American movie. There were also some different visual metaphors that gave the sense that the main character was rather detached from the rest of the world. He would often just walk away from people and situations, and nobody would follow him. I feel like this is sometimes used in American films I've seen, but the character often snaps back to reality and hasn't actually left, whereas it seems like the character in this film really did just leave and nobody minded or noticed. Little things like that gave the movie a slightly odd feel at times.

I forgot to set my clock back last night, which luckily didn't matter because I didn't have to get up for anything this morning, but I was kind of confused when I woke up and my tablet said 10 AM but my alarm clock said 9 AM. Guess I'll be extra sleep-deprived for a little while.

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The Life After
Thursday, March 5, 2015
So I saw La Vida Después (The Life After) at the film festival with my friend Gwenny tonight. It was kind of a graphic/uncomfortable/sad film to watch, but it was interesting in its own ways. I don't know if I'd want to watch it again. After the movie we got to talk to the director, David Pablos, and ask him questions. There was a small group of seven of us standing outside the theatre discussing what various elements of the movie meant, and the director explained his intentions for different parts. He was very friendly and willing to talk to us, which was nice. I think the conversation kept him later than he wanted to be there though (the movie didn't get out until almost midnight, and we were standing out there probably past midnight), and after the group dispersed we watched him... not sprint exactly, but jog away kind of quickly. Gwenny and I held back because he said goodbye to us but was going in the same direction as where we parked, and we felt like it would be weird to go the same way.

Tomorrow's going to be a busy day for me, I think. I have work at the nursery, then in field with my client, then I might watch a movie with my Spanish friend. After that I possibly have a Craigslist gig scheduled (I thought it was today but things got mixed up) and Gwenny and I are planning to watch more stuff from the film festival around midnight. I hope I have enough energy for it all...

Oh and I've been playing a ridiculous amount of Mamono Sweeper. I haven't been able to beat the Huge level yet. :( It's hard because when you start out it's kind of just luck until you kill ten level 1 monsters, as you have to click around blindly on the board to find things. And then after you hit level 2 at 10 experience, you don't level up again until like, maybe 90 experience? Once you run out of squares to click that are clearly safe, you have to go back to blindly clicking in unexplored areas, and I keep accidentally clicking high level monsters that wipe out all my HP and end the game. D: It's so difficult but I really want to win...

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Quick post
Thursday, March 5, 2015
I've been playing Mamono Sweeper, which is described as a cross between Minesweeper and an RPG. It took me several tries, but I managed to win with full health! Just took a little to figure out the strategy. I feel like "strategy" is kind of a dirty word to me sometimes but when I actually get into little puzzle games like this I really enjoy it. This game is also free in the Google Play store, so of course I'm downloading it.

I volunteered at the crisis line Wednesday night. This one guy who's been marked as a sex caller kept calling, but I won. I got him to hang up on me! Sweet victory.

Have been reading articles about rationality and such again thanks to Max. It's nice to feel like I'm actually interested in something instead of just briefly entertained or something.

Stuff coming up:
Film festival!
School celebration
More film festival??
CL gig
My regular "consulting" work (my "client" refers to me as a consultant, which amuses me endlessly)

And... I dunno what else. It is 1 AM and I should probably go to sleep. I feel really tired but also really... energetic in a weird way.

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Right in the middle
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
I took a Big Five personality test for fun. I got pretty much right in the middle for almost all the results, though I was in the 64th percentile for emotional stability, so... sort of higher than average for my age group, I guess. For balance, which was a component of emotional stability, I was in the 79th percentile, which means I supposedly am not easily upset and handle daily hassles better than most. That's kind of funny to think about when I consider how emotional I used to be.

Click

I'm not sure how to feel about my results. The implication is that, in terms of universal personality traits at least, I'm just... really average? I guess to be fair though, I tend to not answer test questions in a way that would put me at either end of a bell curve. Most of my responses to questions that ask to what degree I agree/disagree with a statement are more or less "ehhh... I sorta feel this way." It's hard to give an answer that encompasses how I am across a variety of situations, so I usually end up averaging out how I behave.

I did get a somewhat higher score on the cognition component than average though, which is kind of nice but also kind of disappointing because the average was 7.4 out of 16 and I only got 10. I had fun with some of the cognition questions, but to be honest I really hate the ones where they give you eight shape things in a tic-tac-toe square and ask you to determine what the ninth one is. I don't know if those are the ones I got wrong but I always feel like I don't really know what I'm doing when I complete the pattern. Maybe it would help if I didn't tend to do these tests when I'm super tired.

---

In my Cross Cultural Psychology class today we discussed personality across cultures. There's research suggesting personality stabilizes around age 25. I'll be 24 this year, and I think if this is how I end up being for the rest of my life I am pretty good with that. I feel like I can honestly say this is the emotionally healthiest I've ever been in my life, although I don't know if it's the healthiest I'll ever be. Just have to wait and see I guess.

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Nothing much
Monday, March 2, 2015
Some selections from my oldest Pandora station.

"Why Did It Take You So Long" by Barbara Lewis.


"Bye Bye Baby Blue" by The Ravens.


I posted a Ze Frank video awhile ago about something he calls "The Sweetness" and I was thinking of something along those lines tonight. Craving, missing something you've never had. My parents participate in a fair number of social activities related to their church and it's something I reflect on occasionally. I don't know of any secular social groups that are similar to what you might find at a church. There's sort of a sense of obligation and perhaps purpose that keeps people going to a church, and it's... a dependable source of social contact. You know people will be there week after week, and you become familiar with them. My parents have a community group that meets every week too, and they get together with other couples their age and talk about some aspect of their faith. They're all generally aware of the goings on of each other's lives and support each other. I remember my mom making trays of food to bring to different people because something had happened-- maybe a tragedy in their family or something similar. It seems nice to have friends who would do that.

Although I think about this community aspect of church, I didn't really experience it myself when I was still going, or even when I still had faith. My brother always had a friend or two at church, but I never really did. There were other kids I was friendly with, but once I got to be about 10, the other people my age all knew each other better than I knew any of them and I just felt more and more alone until I stopped going to the services for kids my age and just sat with my parents in the main adult service. It was easier that way.

It's become less significantly difficult to socialize since I was younger, but there are still a lot of things I have yet to figure out.

A guy on OKC asked me what I look for in a friend. It's a simple enough question, I guess. The answer is a bit more complicated. I think I place a much heavier emphasis on time than average. One of the reasons I value my friendship with Kyle so much is because it's persisted, despite all the things that have happened over the years. We are different people now than we were when we first met, but we're still friends. This is a quality that I would ideally like to have in all my friendships-- persistence. It's also a quality I find very infrequently. People can change, and they do change. I don't mind that, though. It's only a problem if they stop trying to continue the friendship. A person cannot maintain a relationship alone.

I feel like persistence is one of the hardest things to find in my life. Because I lose interest in things relatively easily, I've developed a tendency to pick favorites based on what lasts over time. My favorite song is my favorite song not because it makes me feel strongly, but because I've never gotten tired of it. I don't have a favorite food because I don't think there's anything I could eat forever without getting sick of it.

When I was younger I used to think a lot about my house burning down, and what I would save if it did. For awhile I had some of my stuffed animals bundled up into a blanket just in case a fire started and I needed to grab it quickly and go. I don't have anything like that now, but I still think about what I would take if my house caught fire. In some ways it feels like I'm always thinking about potential disasters, and what I'll do if they happen. It seems important to have a plan.

One last song:
"Just a Memory" by The Paragons.

You're only a memory
Of what I used to know
You're someone who was dear to me
A long time ago

You're just a sentimental thing
That passed away with time
No matter what the future brings
You're no longer mine

Oh I can't help how I feel
My love for you is gone
I hope you find a love that's real
Then you'll have strength to carry on

And since you're just a memory
I pray that you will find
A love that will forever be
More to you than mine


---Edit---

Today's Cyanide and Happiness amused me.

Click

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Grades came in quickly
Monday, March 2, 2015
So I got a 285/300 on my presentation. Missed the maximum number of points I could've while still getting an A. That was a relief. I wasn't 100% sure I would get the grade I wanted on this. Should be smooth sailing for the rest of the quarter though!

The weekend with my boyfriend was nice, although he wasn't in the greatest mood yesterday when we went out. I ended up feeling really exhausted even though we were only out for a few hours. It was a sort of fatigue right behind my eyes, like there was a heavy cloud hanging there. The tiredness made things feel less real, so I was experiencing various levels of detachment while we were walking around.

I tried to describe it in terms of a building. Level 1 reality would be the ground floor, where everything feels pretty real and clear. Level 2 is further off the ground, so things are more distant and the details are harder to make out. I don't know how many levels there are, but it continues on in that fashion. I don't experience reality in a quadrant fashion so much anymore. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe I just haven't been derealized enough for it to manifest that way.

On Saturday we went to Staples and got a new chair for his desk. The one he already had is just a cheap folding chair from target that was too low for his comfort, so the new one is hopefully a little better. After coming back home we pretty much just... played Divinity: Original Sin the rest of the day, haha. It takes a long time to do things, but we've gotten decently good at it! And I'm still enjoying crafting various things. I wish we got more attribute points for leveling up, though. You only get one per level (sometimes not even one?) but there are like six different things you can put it into. I need a lot of dexterity because I use ranged weapons, though I didn't do a good job of building my character for that when we started... whoops. Neither of us really had any clue what we were doing when we built our characters though. It's taken us a while to put points in the things we need to be effective fighters, but I think we're definitely on the right track now.

Anyway, I've been cleaning the apartment while he's at work, as I usually do on the Mondays I'm here. He doesn't ask me to do it, but I guess I kind of like to regardless? I'm definitely not a neat freak, and my room is fairly messy, but he doesn't have much stuff in the apartment, so it seems very easy to just take care of it. There's too much stuff in my house, so it always seems like such a hassle to clean.

Back to school tomorrow... This quarter is going by very quickly. I think it's already week nine? Yikes.

I feel a sort of pulling inside me. It's similar to things I've felt in the past. Kind of like my inner self is a balloon and there's a heavy blanket covering it, pushing it down. I slept a lot today but I feel kind of tired now.

---

Thinking a bit more about what it means to be strong vs. weak and things that "build character" when people experience them. Can you be strong without ever having faced anything that tested your strength?

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Presentation over!
Friday, February 27, 2015
Aaaahh I'm so happy! Gonna do stuff with my boyfriend tonight, spend a bunch of time with him over the weekend... fun things.

My presentation ended up being about half an hour, when it was supposed to be 35-45 minutes long, but hopefully that was okay... I really hope they don't give me less than an A on this. I'm sure it's fine though! They said it was good...

So busy today! Barely any time to be at home. It's all good though!

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