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Barren Illusion
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal- that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched." - Henry David Thoreau
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Women don't like being shot in the face
martes, 14 de agosto, 2007
I don't like titles. For me, it takes up too much time thinking up a good one so I almost always put something that has nothing to do with the entry, usually a quote, usually television (see: nearly blog I've ever had). It's more fun that way. It's like unwrapping a beautifully gift-wrapped present, with the finest-crafted paper and the curliest ribbon, only to get punched in the face.

My earphones are busted. Ugggggh. Another one bites the dust. This must be the seventh or eighth pair, I've lost count. With all the money I've spent on earphones, I could've saved up and gotten what I really wanted: headphones! The giant, cup-sized kind that covers up my big ears and causes me to ignore everything else around me and possibly cause some kind of accident. But I'd still have to buy earphones for easy storage when I'm out about the town. Really, I'd just want headphones for my computer, so maybe I will finally acquire a pair when I upgrade.

I have so much to do today: make a bank deposit, pick up package, buy Taxi Driver 2-disc special edition and earphones. No wait, that's not a lot to do at all. Mua haha! I love summers... when it's not sweltering. (Like today.)

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100 Star Wars Lines Improved By Replacing a Word With "Pants"
domingo, 28 de julio, 2007
E-mails can still be funny...

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Phew! And I thought pants smelled bad... on ... the outside...!

The Force is strong in my pants.

Your pants, you will not need them.

You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.

I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

Pull up! All pants pull up!

I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever.

A disturbance in the pants. The last time I felt it...

Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!

I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!

These aren't the pants you're looking for.

That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!

He has no time for smugglers who drop their pants first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

The pants will be down in moments, Lord Vader, you may start your landing.

Looks like someone's beginning to take an interest in your pants.

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

Your pants can deceive you, don't trust them.

I want them alive. No pants.

Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.

I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further.

Away with your pants, I mean you no harm!

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

The Pants are what gives a Jedi his power.

"Don't do that, my pants are dirty."
"My pants are dirty, too."

Luke, help me take these pants off.

I'm taking Captain Solo ... and his pants

Search your pants, you know it to be true.

Han'll have those pants down - we've gotta give him more time!

Look at the size of those pants!

We've got to get a reading on those pants, Up or Down.

You are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor. Take her pants!

General Tarkin, I thought I recognized your foul pants...

I'm not in this for your revolution, I'm in it for the pants.

There's no mystical energy field that controls my pants.

Tell that to Jabba. If you're lucky he might only take your pants.

The emperor asks the impossible. I need more pants.

The pants can have a strong influence on the weak minded.

Will somebody please get this walking carpet out of my pants!

Curse my metal pants.

I only hope that when the pants are analyzed a weakness can be found.

Judge me by my pants, do you?

Search your pants, Luke. You know it's true.

So long ago, when all we had was our love. No politics, no plotting, no pants.

Your father wanted you to have pants when you were old enough.

He is most displeased with your apparent lack of pants.

I don't think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed pants.

It appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in my pants.

You can waste time with your pants when your chores are done.

I seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for Solo's pants.

Jabba, please take these pants as a token of friendship.

I happen to like nice pants.

Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those pants!

I felt a great disturbance in the Pants.

Yeah, well droids aren't known for ripping pants off when they lose!

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s pants, Lord Vader.

Though I never thought I would be smuggling pants.

Take care of your pants, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it.

Slimy? My pants this is.

Rear pants down... Argh!!!

Remember your failure in the pants.

See through pants, we can.

Great pants, kid! Don't get cocky!

Be mindful of your pants Anakin. They'll betray you.

Have you been in many pants?

I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.

In my experience, there is no such thing as pants.

Only now...in my pants...do you understand.

Put Captain Solo in the cargo pants.

We have no choice, our pants can't repel firepower of that magnitude.

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your pants.

The more you tighten your pants, the more star systems will slip through...

The pants are down! Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor.

Yahoo! You're all clear kid. Now let's blow these pants and go home!

Pants, Luke, Pants!

Evacuate?! In our pants of triumph?

"You know of the rebellion?"
"That's how we came to be in your pants, sir."

Ten thousand!?! We can almost buy our own pants for that!

A tremor in the Pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old

At last, we will have our pants.

Commander, tear these pants apart until you've found those plans.

Leia: I love pants.
Han: I know.

No I don't think he likes pants at all. No I don't like pants either.

Search your pants Luke.

This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you some pants.

Your pants can deceive you, Luke.

Chewie, pants won't help me!

You have paid the price for your lack of pants!

I sense a great disturbance in the pants.

I've got a bad feeling in my pants about this.

No more pants. I'm not going that way.

She must have hidden the pants in the escape pod.

That's funny... the pants don't look as bad from out here.

The pants go off in this direction.

It's against my programming to wear pants.

Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm never gonna see my pants again.

You have taken your first step into larger pants.

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My Not-so-Disney Vacation
sábado, 14 de julio, 2007
I went to Universal Studios, Epcot, and Sea World in Orlando, one per day, respectively. No offense against marine life, but it wasn't a great way to cap off a vacation. Maybe as a starter course, but I was let down. Oh, if only I went in the future when their water park would've been open! Seems like even they knew they couldn't keep people's attentions with just water-dwelling animals, expensive food, a few rides and some shows. It was like going to an extra-big aquarium with amusement-park attractions scattered here and there.

Of the two remaining, I can't decide which I like better. The first consisted mostly of "[INSERT UNIVERSAL MOVIE HERE]: The Ride" and the second was like the weird brother of prime rib. Well, at least I came away from this little excursion with a few things: extra freckles despite slathering on SPF 50 sunblock twice a day. Note to self: Kill the sun.

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The Six Stages of E-Mail
lunes, 2 de julio, 2007
Published: July 1, 2007

Stage One: Infatuation
I just got e-mail! I can't believe it! It's so great! Here's my handle. Write me! Who said letter writing was dead? Were they ever wrong! I'm writing letters like crazy for the first time in years. I come home and ignore all my loved ones and go straight to the computer to make contact with total strangers. And how great is AOL? It's so easy. It's so friendly. It's a community. Wheeeee! I've got mail!

Stage Two: Clarification
O.K., I'm starting to understand -- e-mail isn't letter-writing at all, it's something else entirely. It was just invented, it was just born and overnight it turns out to have a form and a set of rules and a language all its own. Not since the printing press. Not since television. It's revolutionary. It's life-altering. It's shorthand. Cut to the chase. Get to the point.

And it saves so much time. It takes five seconds to accomplish in an e-mail message something that takes five minutes on the telephone. The phone requires you to converse, to say things like hello and goodbye, to pretend to some semblance of interest in the person on the other end of the line. Worst of all, the phone occasionally forces you to make actual plans with the people you talk to -- to suggest lunch or dinner -- even if you have no desire whatsoever to see them. No danger of that with e-mail.

E-mail is a whole new way of being friends with people: intimate but not, chatty but not, communicative but not; in short, friends but not. What a breakthrough. How did we ever live without it? I have more to say on this subject, but I have to answer an Instant Message from someone I almost know.

Stage Three: Confusion
I have done nothing to deserve any of this:

Viagra!!!!! Best Web source for Vioxx. Spend a week in Cancún. Have a rich beautiful lawn. Astrid would like to be added as one of your friends. XXXXXXXVideos. Add three inches to the length of your penis. The Democratic National Committee needs you. Virus Alert. FW: This will make you laugh. FW: This is funny. FW: This is hilarious. FW: Grapes and raisins toxic for dogs. FW: Gabriel García Márquez's Final Farewell. FW: Kurt Vonnegut's Commencement Address. FW: The Neiman Marcus Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe. AOL Member: We value your opinion. A message from Hillary Clinton. Find low mortgage payments, Nora. Nora, it's your time to shine. Need to fight off bills, Nora? Yvette would like to be added as one of your friends. You have failed to establish a full connection to AOL.

Stage Four: Disenchantment
Help! I'm drowning. I have 112 unanswered e-mail messages. I'm a writer -- imagine how many unanswered messages I would have if I had a real job. Imagine how much writing I could do if I didn't have to answer all this e-mail. My eyes are dim. I have a mild case of carpal tunnel syndrome. I have a galloping case of attention deficit disorder because every time I start to write something, the e-mail icon starts bobbing up and down and I'm compelled to check whether anything good or interesting has arrived. It hasn't. Still, it might, any second now. And yes it's true -- I can do in a few seconds with e-mail what would take much longer on the phone, but most of my messages are from people who don't have my phone number and would never call me in the first place. In the brief time it took me to write this paragraph, three more messages arrived. Now I have 115 unanswered messages. Strike that: 116.

Stage Five: Accommodation
Yes. No. No :). No :(. Can't. No way. Maybe. Doubtful. Sorry. So Sorry. Thanks. No thanks. Not my thing. You must be kidding. Out of town. O.O.T. Try me in a month. Try me in the fall. Try me in a year. [email protected] can now be reached at [email protected]

Stage Six: Death
Call me. - NYT link

I laugh, but it's true.

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My rival is fried shrimp
viernes, 15 de junio, 2007
Pluto can't catch a break: first, it was demoted from planet to dwarf planet, and now it's officially not even the biggest dwarf planet out there. Pluto has become the laughingstock of the Milky Way! The enemies he's made in the Kuiper Belt probably think he's getting his just deserts now that he's been kicked out of the solar-system club and his 15 minutes of fame as the sole elliptical-orbit planet are over. Oh well, you will always have the same name as the Roman god of the underworld, although his Greek counterpart was at least 1000x more awesome. Tsk. Can't even win at that.

Edit: Hot damn, it's been four years and a few days since I first joined.

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At least Typhoid Mary isn't around
jueves, 31 de mayo, 2007
Waitaminit... so not only was the bubonic plague detected out West, but there was a guy here in the East with tuberculosis who may have infected others? Is this the sensationalist media talking or should we repent? The power of Christ compels you, bitch!

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Because they can't see well in the darkness
viernes, 25 de mayo, 2007
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him." - Emo Philips

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Mozzarella sticks are delicious
martes, 22 de mayo, 2007
My first cousin once removed got married over the weekend. And that's as far as I understand in terms of English kinship terminology... maybe because I'm unaccustomed to it, but it's too confusing. Like... my mom's first cousin's kid is my second cousin... I think. Okay, my head hurts. I'm just going to keep calling my newly-married first cousin once removed biu gu, as I always have.

The food was okay. I can never understand how abalone is such a delicacy. The wedding cake was too sweet and uninspired. I swear I'm not a foodie! But I've tried regular cake and pie that is more delicious. At our table, we emptied nearly every dish, but around us, lots of plates were still full and they asked for the waiters to bag them up. Methinks they deliberately did it to get free food.

Now I have even more white relatives by marriage. (Though more distant this time around.)

And the bubonic plague is in Denver o_o

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