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welcome to my mind ...

The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Two weeks
Tuesday. 9.13.16 6:54 pm
It'll be nice to get away from my real life for a bit. Away from work, away from home, away from normal life. I have a more solid plan for what I'm going to be doing in the middle of my vacation, but I've yet to figure out what I'm going to do for the first bit, and the last bit. I'm sure it'll be figured out as time goes on. I'm also pretty sure that there's going to be things that I want to do, that I won't realize I'll want to do until it's too late. Half the time when I take my longer vacations, I spend a lot of time doing pretty much what I do at home: lazing about, playing on the internet. Oh well. It's my time to relax, to get away, to reset, to not think about rushing around, or stressing about anything.

I started doing some exercises again... man, are my muscles not where they were. I'm not surprised in the least, as it's been a few months since I really tried. I wanted to lose this final 5lbs before I went on vacation; that was 6 weeks ago. I haven't really tired to lose it, so I'm not bothered by the fact that I haven't. I've maintained exactly where I have been since I hit the 40lb mark so that's at least something. It's a lot easier to be careful about what I eat, and to get back on track when I have a splurge weekend. My system tells me, rather quickly, when it's not happy with what I've put in it. I guess that's what a year+ of eating healthier will do to you.

I really don't have a whole ton of things to write about, despite having meant to write twice in the last week, and clearly not meeting that objective. You'd think I'd have more to say, but no. I am, however, going to end with a quote that hits a little too close to home for me right now. It's been on my phone for a while, but I feel it hits home more than it really should ...

"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive."

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Countdown?
Monday. 9.5.16 9:25 am
I guess this is the moment every year when I start the "official" countdown until my birthday, since it's a month away. This is also pretty much when I stop talking about it to people. Perhaps subconsciously I care a lot more about this day than I let on, but this also falls back in to the fact that I have trouble appearing excited. I get excited about things, but I'm so used to something going wrong, that I'm always afraid of getting too excited, then having it all blow up in my face. So I either feign nonchalance, or complete disinterest, this way when it goes right, I can act surprised.

I'm not really sure if any of that made any sense ... I just woke up 20 minutes ago. My brain isn't where it normally is when I write these things.

PAX was a lot of fun! There were definitely a lot of people. I went to the one panel I wanted to go to. It's the same one I've been wanting to go to for a couple years now. I live streamed it last year, which was fine. But it was cool seeing them in person this time around. I actually got to meet two of them; not the two I'd have liked to meet, but still really awesome to meet people that I watch on YouTube.

I'm definitely thankful that I had a friend with me, who was a veteran PAX-goer, so that I could be shown the ropes without getting completely lost. I wouldn't have lasted long on my own. Next year I will probably be more prepared; I'll do more research on to what exactly I want to go do and see. I'll make sure to have more money saved up so that I might be able to actually buy something that catches my interest. Maybe I'll even wear contacts so that I can play around with the VR.

I'm thankful for the fact that today is a holiday. After the incredibly full day that was Saturday, I would not have been ready to go back to work today. It'll be only slightly more productive today than yesterday, as I've already got laundry in the wash, and I'll be showering at some point later. I may even leave my pod to go get food. Maybe. There's a lot of places closed today so I'll probably just end up staying indoors again.

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Early morning
Saturday. 9.3.16 8:25 am
It's kinda early still. Much earlier than I'd normally volunteer myself to be awake. But I'm leaving the pod in about 20, 25 minutes and I wanted to type something up real quick. I meant to write on Thursday... oops.

I'm going to my first convention today, PAX to be specific. I'm not sure what to expect, other than A LOT of people. I'm only going today, which is fine. I lucked in to the fact that the one panel I wanted to see happens to be today, which is the first thing I'm going to be doing. A friend of mine bought my ticket, with a mass purchase of his own, plus a bunch of other friends. One of his friends backed out at the last minute, however, and so I have another friend who normally goes, but was unable to obtain tickets, who bought it. So I'll at least have people around to kind of show me the ropes.

{I'm sorry if there are any typos in here ... I don't even have my glasses on yet so I can barely see the screen}

Yesterday was my appointment. It went ... okay. I'm at least okay enough to go a few more times to see how it progresses. Next one is not until after my vacation, though, so I guess that's a good thing. Means whatever stress I may encounter while on vacation can be disposed of at that appointment. I'll need to leave a little early from work again, but I may ask my manager if I can just come in 15 minutes early that day so that I can leave 15 minutes early. I'm sure she wouldn't have an issue with it.

Anywho, I need to start getting ready to head Downtown. It's going to be a very full day. . .

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Outlets
Monday. 8.29.16 7:39 pm
Once I get back from my vacation, some things are going to change. If the things I wanted to do in regard to this change didn't cost money, I'd start immediately. For now, however, I will wait it out the next 4 weeks, relying on free methods until then.

Sunset is before 8pm now, and it's nice being able to take a shower earlier without being afraid of making the heat in my apartment skyrocket. It's nice being able to go to bed at 8:30 if I want to, because it's actually dark enough to be able to easily fall asleep.

Today got warm, as predicted, but 81 didn't really feel that hot compared to just a few days ago when it was 91. It's 80 in my pod right now, but with the fan blowing, I'm getting chills. There was a slight hint of frost in the air last night and I may have actually fallen asleep with a smile on my face. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year. I'm aware of the fact that we still have 3 weeks left of summer, but knowing that Autumn is so close ... just makes me happy.

Maybe it's a subconscious thing, going all the way back to childhood, as to why this time of year is my favorite. My birthday is in Autumn, and as a child that's one thing that you look forward to. Even though I don't much care about the birthday part anymore, I still very much look forward to this time of year. Things start to cool off, the winds change, the sun sets in a different part of the sky, birds migrate, snow dusts the mountaintops, colors change. If I am ever to get in to a relationship again, this is my favorite time of year for cuddles.

The other things I wanted to bring up the other day, I feel, have kind of been resolved. So I guess there's no need to bring them up. I finally admitted to what I'd been avoiding saying out loud to anyone, and it feels better getting it out, saying it out loud so to speak. It was in text, but that's still saying it to someone else. Not sure what will happen next, but I guess I'll find out.

This weekend is PAX weekend. It's my first ever convention and I'm ... anxiously excited. I know there's going to be A LOT of people around. Luckily, I'm not going alone. I'd likely end up having an panic attack in the middle of the floor, and someone would have to call 911. That definitely wouldn't aid in conquering my social anxieties. I'm going with a small group of friends, but the one friend I'm going to be hanging with most of the time. She's going to be going with me to a panel in the morning, and I'll be joining her for a panel she wants to go to in the afternoon. It's the least I could do for her being okay with sitting in for the one I want to see. This will be the determining factor, however, as to whether I want to go to any other conventions ... really ever.

Anywho, I think I'm gonna take advantage, again, of the earlier setting sun and call it another early night. Here's to a reasonable Tuesday.

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A change in the winds
Saturday. 8.27.16 6:22 pm
It's finally cooled off. Monday is supposed to be the warmest day of next week. It may get over 80. I guess it depends on the winds. I'm really hoping we're done with the days over 90. I mean, I guess if summer needs to have a few more days where it needs to prove it's still around, 80s is fine. I'm just very ready for Autumn.

I'm a month away from my trip. I have to remind my aunt that I'll be flying in at the end of Sept and let her know what days I'm actually staying with her. I don't plan on telling my uncle until I'm actually out on the East Coast that I'm visiting. In case I end up not being able to drive to NY, I don't want to get his hopes up. I have no solid plans. Honestly, I'm not really sure how much money I'll have until the Friday before I leave. That'll be the check where I'll have a good chunk of play money. The check right before I go will have to be the rent check. Unless I can work out something with my apartments ... but I kind of would rather know I have money when I get back from my trip. I'll need groceries for at least a week and a half before I get paid again. I dunno. I'm sure things will work out.

Friday is my therapy appointment. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I think I'm more just hoping that I connect with this one so that I don't have to worry about finding someone else.

There were other things I wanted to write about, but I think I'll just wait. Now just doesn't feel like the right time.

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Over it
Thursday. 8.25.16 8:22 pm
It got up over 90 again today. It's supposed to be hotter tomorrow. I'm done. No more over 90. . . It's just too damn hot for Seattle. It's still kind of amusing to me that I used to think that 90 was 'cooling off.' I've definitely acclimated to the PNW. It's become my home.

Things seemed to have calmed down... and have pretty much gone back to the way it was before, minus the fact that I'm freaking out. I'm just going with it at this point. I'm not holding back, but I'm not pushing. I guess blowing up and getting all of my frustrations out at one time is all I needed. Unfortunately, it's not the best way to handle it, and it happened a few weeks shy of my therapy appointment. Which, no doubt, would have prevented said explosion. Oh well. It happened. I can't take it back. I have a feeling he's just kind of waiting for it to happen again, which is fair, I suppose. Other than not letting it happen again, I have no way of convincing him that it's not going to happen again. In the meantime, I go with the flow, wherever that flow takes me.

In other random, unrelated news, I have taken the next step toward rebuilding my credit. I have applied, and was approved, for a new credit card. After the shit show that fucked up my credit when I was in my early 20s, I'm going to be taking SO many precautions to keep it from happening in my 30s. The whole point in getting the card was so that I could rent the car with it. It's generally better to rent a car with a credit card, rather than a debit, for reasons I don't remember. But I know that if I charge the card, then pay it off over a few months, it'll make the numbers go up. Which is what I need. Especially if I want to eventually buy a house.

I've also, even more randomly, picked out what day I want to get married. Never mind the fact that I'm *still* painfully single. This is completely normal to think about, right? Ugh. I wanted this; I wanted to stay single for at least 2 years. That time frame is coming to a close in a little over a month, and so I guess my mind is starting to wander to the future, and what kind of crazy adventures it may hold. Either way, I'm going to laugh pretty damn hard if I actually get married on this new date that I have in my mind.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. This week started out rough. Today was probably the most mellow of them. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be like yesterday. Not the worst day of the week, but definitely not without stress. Monday was by far the worst. I actually got drunk. Alone. On a damn work night. The last time I remember doing some stupid shit like that, I was 19. Tuesday was then, consequently, rough. At least tomorrow is Friday. Whatever shit gets thrown our way {working on the floor with the GI department, I hope this is never a literal statement} at least I can just keep reminding myself that it's Friday.

Like last weekend, this one is supposed to cool off drastically. I'm looking so forward to it. I much prefer the cooler weather. I'm hoping that, with the exception of these too fucking hot days we've had recently, that the cooler than normal summer is a sign that this winter we may actually get snow. I was so excited when I first moved up here to have snow; it's maybe happened twice where it was worth anything to talk about. I mean, there was kind of a flurry or two this past season. Most of the snow stayed on the mountains.

I guess nothing else worth talking about is going to happen... as I've just sat here staring at the screen {and playing Pokemon...} without thinking of anything else to write about.

Until next time. . .

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