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being sick, my mom, vacation, airport hell..enjoy!
Monday. 12.27.04 5:33 pm
well i'm kinda bored...i mean theres tons that i could do, thats for sure, but i'm just in a 'i don't feel like doing anything but stare at a screen' mood...i do have a few thoughts to get out...so why not put them down in here

i guess i'll talk about my morning...i've had a sinus infection for a little while now...got it from my neice when i visited her in virginia (bad last couple of days i'll talk about later)...so i made an appointment for today...my mom was feeling one coming on so she decided to squeeze in an appointment after mine...you know, its like i turned 13 and never grew older in her mind...its fine and ignorable to a point...like i'm sitting there talking to the doctor about my symptoms and such and every 2 seconds she has to jump in there and say something...i think i can handle explaining my own symptoms...its just the way she acts around me...the way she acts when other people around and i'm in the room...the way she talks about me...its like i'm still 13 in her mind...up until i was about 18ish, she wouldn't stop saying "oh hes allergic to milk" when i'd order something without ice cream or something without a milk product to waiters...first of all its none of their business, second of all i'm the one telling the waiter what i want, not her...thank god that stopped...and you could just see in the doctors office...the doctor had her full attention on what i had to say and was explaining stuff...the second my mom started talking, the doctor's attention was focused on my mom and explaining what i needed to do, to her...it just gets to me at times

Another about my mother...like today...when i'm talking to her and debating with her about a subject she gives this attitude like "you're only 20 years old, you don't understand anything, you don't know anything, you can't survive without someone like me, you're brainless and i know everything"...i'm not the smartest person in the world but i do consider myself somewhat intelligent...she even sat there and said to my face "you're only 20, you just don't understand, someday you will"...we were debating about food and allergies and stuff like that...like i got a sinus infection, went to the doctors...i mentioned to the doctor i have another problem...after i eat and several times in a day whether i have a cold or not i still have to blow my nose...thats not normal...the doctor suggested i get checked for allergies...my mom refuses to think this problem could be something other than food related...every disease, sickness, whatever she believes is caused by food...so i'm like "alright mom, i just want to get a medical opinion on this problem"...she's like "they're just gonna tell you its food related"...i'm like "that's fine, if they tell me that then so be it, if not, then i'll do whatever they say"...i mean these people specialize in, go to college for, research, etc. allergies...there job is totally focused on allergies...my mom looks it up on the internet for 20 minutes and think's she knows everything about it...now lets see...my mom who looked it up on the internet for 20 minutes, or a doctor who's studied it for the past oh say 6 years at least?...6 years, 20 minutes...besides which, its not a bad thing to just check it out and see what they have to say...she was goin nuts...she argued with me for 45 minutes on this...then, to pretty much definately prevent me from getting it checked out she says "you're gonna get all these tests done, all of these checkups, and its gonna cost money"...then i'm like "alright, if you're gonna make such a big deal out of it, i won't go"...and she's like "don't act like you're 4 years old"...i'm acting 4 years old?...so wanting to get a medical opinion from a doctor specializing in allergies about the problem i'm having is acting like a 4 year old?

then we went back and forth on a different but kinda the same issue...see she believes food is the root of all evil concerning sickness or disease...i agree partially...certainly eating mexican food every day for 5 years is gonna fuck you up...so obviously eatting healthy helps...so i'm like "look, i've been eating much healthier...i eat whatever you give me for dinner...lunch, i don't even that much...sometimes i skip lunch...if i don't skip it, i eat something thats not gonna tear me up...on fridays and sometimes saturdays i eat some not so healthy foods but at least i'm eating more healthy than unhealthy"...which i don't think is bad at all...i'd like to enjoy some food while i'm still young and can handle it...you can't ask me to stop eating pizza for the rest of my life when thats one of my favorite foods...even if it meant i'd die 14.4 days earlier than i should be dying, i don't care...i want to enjoy the food i eat...the problem with her is, she wants me to eat according to what she eats...what does she eat? hardly anything enjoyable...she goes online for 4 hours, goes to some website that says for example "wheat is the devil" and for the next year she doesn't eat wheat...then she expects me to do the same...so i'm in the car and i'm like "look, i'm eating healthier now than i have in a long time, and i'll continue to do...i understand your standpoint on this food stuff and i do believe food can affect you in those ways"...but she still argues with me trying to force me to eat exactly what she eats...so finally i was like "i don't want to talk anymore...you won't listen to me and we're just going around in circles on this...i just want to listen to the radio"...she shuts up for maybe 30 seconds and starts in on it...i just ignored her

every time i go into the kitchen, she gets on me about what i should and should not eat...she has to know what i'm eating at all times...and when i pick something thats not to her liking, she's like "you shouldn't be eating that" and starts spouting off how this and that will kill me and what not...you know what? i'm 20 fuckin years old...i could walk off a curb, get hit by a bus and die at the age of 20...i want to enjoy my god damn food...i don't give a shit what you think...if i want to eat a pizza, i will fuckin eat a pizza and theres nothing you can do about it!...i agree, you should eat pretty healthy but when you're not guarenteed to live until you're 80 years old, you should at least enjoy your food...its not like i'm gonna go out and eat bad food every day...i just want to enjoy it sometimes...i don't think thats so much to ask...there aren't too many things i enjoy in life...food is one of the things i enjoy...so i'm gonna eat what i want when i want

I'm just getting really tired of her...hearing it every single time i have a conversation with her or every single time i go to eat something...she's like "it hurts me so much the way you're eating because its gonna hurt you so much down the road"...i'm just shaking my head...i probably eat better than 75%++ 20 year olds...i don't like candy so i don't eat it, i eat dessert maybe once every 2 weeks if that, i eat fast food maybe once a week, and what i'm eating for dinner and lunch are actual meals...vegies, different meats, etc...i even cut down drinking soda...i only have a soda once a day if that...i drink water on a regular basis...i mean what more do you want me to do woman!?...based on that alone she should shut up and leave me the hell alone

So i've had really bad heartburn for years now...i have good ways of getting rid of it now and i can control...its not even a big deal anymore...however, due to having it for so long without proper care, i'd like to see if theres any serious damage that was caused by it over the years...so i sit there and say "i'd like to go to the doctors and get some checkups done just to make sure i don't have any damage in my esophageus (spelling?) or anywhere else" to my mom...first she's like "they're gonna wanna give you medicine and what you should do is eat right...you don't need medication, you need to eat right"...i'm like "okay, i just want to see if theres any damage"...then she's like "they're gonna take x-rays and tests and its gonna cost some money"..."i'm like okay so what do you want me to do?"..."i want you to eat right"...okay so this goes around and around in circles...she doesn't want me to go to the doctors...she pretty much figures doctors are idiots, don't know what they're talking about and all they'll do is hurt you even more...she thinks all i need to do is eat the way she eats and all of my problems will immediately be solved and i'll be the healthiest person on earth...its just my opinion but i'm thinking, and again its just me here, that a doctor who oh by the way goes to college for shit i don't even know how many years, like 10+, might, and i say might, know something about sickness's and how to take care of them...doesn't that make sense? that you may actually know something about an area if you study it for years?...and why would all of these medication's be around if they were useless?

(quick break to yell at the most annoying dog in the world who won't shut the hell up because she keeps whining and picking at herself...by the way, anyone who's reading this i'll pay you $100 to steal my dog)

So anyways, i don't see a problem with getting this checked out and possibly taking some medication if theres damage there...does that seem unreasonable?...so, and this is just bull shit here, the final thing she says is "we only have partial health insurance so you'll have to go when we have full health insurance"...isn't that messed up a little though? i've had severe heartburn for years and i most likely have some serious damage in me because of it and she won't let me get it checked out...most of that time, when my heartburn was at its worse and we did have full health insurance, she wouldn't let me get anything for it because she's like "you just need to eat right"...i mean listen at the time, i could have nothing but water in a day and i'd still have heartburn...in fact its still like that and i'm eating pretty healthy...you would think, maybe i should get pills for that to at least calm it down...nope...she goes to the doctor like at least once a week for different problems and i can't go there once to get this checked out...when i get sick or get really concerned about this heart burn stuff, i'm sitting there thinking "god do i even want to deal with her or just stick this thing out for a little while longer"

I think when i move out, have my own health insurance and doctor, thats when i'll get these things checked out...thats all i can do really...if things get even more damaged in that time theres nothing i can do

Doctors aren't here to hurt people...for the most part, they don't give you medication thats gonna make you worse...in my opinion, there are cases such as the cure for the common cold that have been discovered that just hasn't been publicized because doctors wouldn't get nearly as much money...that makes sense...but thats not your actual doctor...thats someone higher up

I just don't understand the woman...i really do think she needs help...like actual help...she actually thinks wheat is a horrible thing to eat...we have no bread in our house...i had to force her to get bread just so i could have a turkey sandwhich...wheat?...wheat!?!?...come on!...she goes too far...i think that as long as you make sure you control and pay attention to the things you eat, you shouldn't have a problem...a pizza once a month isn't gonna kill me...it'll give me some heartburn sure but i have stuff for that...why would pizza be around if it was known that by eating it, you're lessening the length of your life?...same with wheat...i mean, for the love of god, thousands of years ago people ate wheat!!!!!...*shakes head*...i'll stop about this but the woman's gone mad

About my trip to Virginia...it was fun...everyone was sick and that got me sick...we went to DC and checked out the stuff there...i went to the museum of american history...which was pretty cool, i enjoyed it...i also went to the archives...saw the original constitution, delcaration of indapendence, and other documents...i dunno if you people like history or things like this but seeing the declaration of indapendence was just amazing to me...the signatures on that thing...how old it is...what it meant...just awesome...funny thing...so i start to walk into the room with that in it and on the walls are like two huge paintings or something...it looked really cool so i'm like "hey i'm gonna take a picture"...everyone else had camera's...so i take a picture and the flash goes off...in 2 seconds i have 3 security guards on me telling me to put the camera away...i'm like "okay, can i just take the flash off? everyone else has a camera"...they're like "no, you cannot use your camera anymore, you used a flash therefore you can't use it at all in this part of the building"...i mean where the hell is the sign that says no flash?...come to find out theres a little fuckin sign in the middle of the room that says it...when you first walk in there are you gonna go walk 10 or so feet to some little fuckin sign that says no flash? noooo...you're gonna start taking pictures...the walls looked cool, i started taking pictures...my brother was laughin his ass off...he's like "kollin! you took 3 years off of the declaration of indapendence! we should call mom and dad and say you were handcuffed and taken away because you used a flash"...so other than that, the archives were pretty cool

For the most part i just stayed at the house...everyone was miserable so we just relaxed

Now for the worst 2 days i've had in quite a while...so i wake up on the 22nd, i'm feeling like shit because i have a really bad sinus infection and no actual drugs besides tylenol...my flight leaves at 5:20 pm...we leave at 3...i get there with an hour left until my flight...i stand in line for my e-ticket, get up to the machine, put my card in there, press a few buttons and i get "closed for check-in"...i ask a guy what i should do, he says stand in line 1...i stand in line 1 for a while, then some woman comes up to me and is like "you have to book another flight, go on the other side"...so i go around and keep in mind its around christmas and the airports are just chaos...i ask another person and he also says "you have to book another flight, go stand in line 7"...so i stand in line 7, call my brother, call my parents...they're all worried...i stand in line for at least an hour and a half only to find out, theres no flights leaving that night and i have to wait until tomorrow to get just a standby ticket...a standby ticket just means if someone doesn't make it to there flight and theres an opening, only then can you go on the flight...so i call my brother and ask him to pick me up...2 hours later he finally picks me up...through all of those hours i was in that airport i'm blowing my nose every 10 minutes, coughing up all kinds of crap, and hauling around two heavy bags full of not only my crap but a shitload of presents...so he picks me up drives me back to his place...his in laws show up to stay the night...all of them are suppose to leave for florida in the morning...thats when my next chance at a flight is too...his in laws, yeesh...i mean i was thinking in the airport when i thought i was gonna fly out "thank god i don't have to see them"...i'm sure i jinxed myself there...so yeah i had to deal with that for several hours...everyone makes plans to wake up at 3:30 am for their flights at 9 am...so i get 3 hours of sleep, if that...i was waking up every half hour anyways because of my sinus infection...we drive all the way to the airport...i stand in line to get my stand by ticket forever...i get it...i go through so much crap with people telling me to go here and go there just to actually get to my gate...that takes like 2 hours at least...i get to my gate finally with close to 3 hours to spare...i'm thinkin "hah not missin this flight...i'm comin home!"...what happens?...i wait 3 hours just to be told the flight was full and had to book another flight...every single person made it to their flight on time and boarded the plane...i'm feelin like total shit now...i'm hoping some guy with a gun just puts me out of my misery at this point...so i have to go all the way back to the begining and stand in line again...now the security i had to go through took forever...i was chosen to have extensive security checks on my shit and myself...so i'm being checked by like 2 or 3 guys...raising my arms, raising my legs, lifting my shirt, even had to show the buttons of my pants from the other side, and get padded down while my carry on bag gets searched...they took a bunch of stuff out of the bag and investigated it...took some kind of pad with something on it and had that go all over my bag...my laptop was searched pretty good...long drawn out process...i went through that twice...back to where i was, i finally get up there to get my next standby ticket at this point i'm thinking "hmm i'm probably gonna have to get a damn room and spend the night here...i might not even get a damn flight home in time to see christmas"...its negative thinking like that, that improves your chances of actually getting somewhere...i get up there, at this point the guy actually recognizes me and knows me...hes like "ohh so you're back again"...this guy was real nice...he gave me an actual ticket instead of a standby ticket...it had a seat number and everything...i was so happy...but when's the next flight? 4 hours from then...so i go eat lunch at burger king, check out the book store...go to my gate and sit there for a while...the flights at 12:50...the time for boarding passes...they say over the intercom thing that its gonna be delayed 45 minutes...okay, thats fine, at least i have an actual ticket now...oh, there goes the positive thinking...the flight then gets delayed another hour...i finally board my plane (oh by the way, that was actually by luck because they overbooked all of the flights...so any asshole can sneak in there and get a seat pretty much)...the captain says, after everyone's all seated, that they're having problems putting the bags in and it might take a few minutes...another hour later we finally get off the ground...instead of like my first flight, which was 3 hours, it took more like 4 hours this time...finally i'm home...on the verge of death...but i'm home...i go to baggage claim...my other bag was actually sent to houston on the earlier flight cuz i had a standby ticket and your bag goes on the flight whether you make it or not...so i go the office of United and they don't know where the bag is...they tell me to see if it came on my flight...the bags come out, its not there...great...i can't get ahold of my dad whos picking me up...nobody will answer their damn phones...finally after maybe an hour, hour and a half of waiting, my dad shows up and is like "i've been looking for you everywhere, i tried calling you and i got nothing...i have your bag, lets go"...that was about it of that...pain in my ass

i have some thoughts on other things but some of its just the same crap i've talked about before...probably not interesting at all

Christmas was okay...the day after i get home from airport hell, my contacts get messed up...they look perfect, nothing seems wrong, but i can't see out of them...so for christmas i get to be sick and blind...by the way, its quite a challenge trying to drive at night with my 4 year old glasses on...i got a vcr, a cd, a dvd box set, and 2 books from my parents...i was a little disappointed at first because thats been the smallest amount of presents i've gotten in probably 10 years...but i mean, i'm 20 years old, its not like i'm a kid anymore so the amount of presents shouldn't be some enormous number...plus, i'm lucky to even be home on christmas what with all that airport shit...not to mention the biggest couple of reasons i shouldn't be disappointed...christmas isn't about presents...its about family and religion...so what if i didn't get this game or that cd...i spent christmas with my family, fattened myself up with all of that food, enjoyed my broncos winning their game, and celebrated the birth of jesus christ...you can't ask for more there

So, did you actually read all of that? holy shit...gotta love my long entries right? lol...ah, 2 hours of complaining, nothin better than that...i could go on...want me to? just jokin, i won't

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Thinkin about something...
Tuesday. 12.14.04 5:35 am
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You may want to skip some of this...lots of bitchi
Sunday. 12.12.04 1:01 am
So I'm updating again...i don't think i have much to say but who knows...sometimes i can really get going on random subjects

So its winter time...in Texas...Houston, Texas no less...i miss snow...can you believe there are actual people here who have never seen snow? isn't that insane?...i mean for 16 years of my life every winter we'd get snow...blizzards even...i remember waking up and getting ready for school then going downstairs to see if school was cancelled...it was a great feeling too...i'd be glued to the screen...first i'd see "1 and a half hour delay"...5 minutes later i'd see "2 hour delay"...sitting there thinking "come on! its a damn blizzard outside! cancel the damn school day!!!"...10 minutes later "cancelled"...then the celebrating begins...i mean isn't that just awesome?...i remember in 1998 we had two blizzards in one winter...something like 14 days of school were cancelled...ahh that was awesome...huge snow drifts in the front yard...see i was going to Peyton High School/Middle School (which kinda funny thing here...Peyton Middle School...PMS...hehe so funny!) at the time and it was in the middle of nowhere...we only went to school 4 days of the week, monday through thursday...so the year after 1998 we had to make up for all of those snow days by going to school on friday's ever so often throughout the year...of course everyone absent on those days but still...ahh twas great...what do we get here in the winter? rain...rain rain rain and more rain...i mean come on, i haven't worn a real jacket in years...its in the middle of december and i'm still wearing shorts...well so much for a white christmas...its more like a wet christmas

Onto other things...i saw Christmas with the Kranks today...wasn't bad...wasn't great either...i think they could have done better...it had its funny parts in it...the daughter was quite good looking...i'm not really too critical or picky with movies...as long as its not too cheesy or boring i usually find it entertaining...its worth seeing...we went to Cracker Barrel too...i had sausage, hash browns, two eggs over easy, french toast, and some biscuits...pretty good meal...then had nachos at the movie...man i love food...didn't really do much Christmas shopping...i think we're a little thin on money...doesn't really concern me though...if they don't get me much i won't be disappointed...i have pretty much everything i need...dvd player, tv, ps2, computer, mini frig, 780 CDs, DVDs, car...i'm certainly not hurtin...i was actually sitting there about to start my little christmas list thinking "hmm you know there isn't much i really want"...so tis really not a big deal

Kinda brings me to my other subject thats been on my mind...you know i've bitched and complained how life sucks many times in my life, who hasn't?...my life's pretty damn good...i mean look at all that crap i just listed that i have...parents love me...got people who care about me...going to college...my life is in no way shitty...every now and then when i look back at times when i was like "ugh life sucks soo much" i kinda feel embarrassed...how could i say such a thing?...i mean i can point out some things that suck...heart burn, no girlfriend...but those can be fixed and aren't a big deal at all...heart burn well its a matter of eating the right foods...i'm not really good at that...damn spicey sausage at Cracker Barrel...i didn't know it was gonna be that damn spicey...the girlfriend thing...meh takes time...and some balls...other than that i'm livin the good life...i don't like people who are overly happy about it though...don't get me wrong, i'm an extremely negative person and i do get depressed often

i hate those people who wake up all smiling...its like 6 am and they're all "good morning!!!!" with a big smile on their face...if it wasn't for the possible jail time, i'd beat the shit out of the person...or people who are all "oh life is so great" allll the time...being too happy pisses me off...for the most part, i keep my happy thoughts inside...99% of the time when i'm going on and on about myself (like on this thing) its usually not so good...but i'll admit that in no way is my life crappy...i'm actually quite lucky...i'm being too happy and positive here

So i need to clean the wax out of my ears...haven't done that in a while...i may clip my finger nails too...when they get too long i chew on them which isn't good...not to the point of actually chewing them off but still...i was gonna shave today but Ashley said it looked decent...i dunno though...i mean it grows really fast up until a certain point...like below my jaw it can get quite noticable but above it like where my lips its just not thick or noticable...i guess it just takes some serious time...i dunno if i can handle that though...it gets quite itchy...we'll see...i'm too lazy to shave anyways...its too long to use an electric razor anyways so why not wait for a while...i hate zits...i get them all time...i think i have a mild form of acne around my lips and a little under my jaw...i've taken stuff the doctors gave me but the first thing they gave me burned the hell out of my face...the second stuff they gave me didn't work at all...i'm using neutrogena however you spell it...kinda working...kinda not...i'm 20, why aren't these things gone!!!...oh well

So i've decided to start going on aim again...i just needed a break from some of these people...they get on my nerves from time to time...i'm not all that happy talking to some...i won't name names...i'm quite pissed at some people for things they've done to me in the past...don't get me wrong, i'm an extremely forgiving person...i'll let anyone walk all over me...but some of my friends i just gotta sit there and think "ugh you've been so mean to me in the past"...some people just annoy me...some i just don't think give a shit about me in any way...so they can IM me any time they want...chances are i won't IM them very often unless you annoy the shit out of me about not IMing you enough...then i'll just do it to shut you up...i know, i sound mean here but you need to consider what some of these people have done to me...i mean i still talk to the majority of my ex girlfriends on here...and i'm "friends" with them...excluding one or two of my ex girlfriends, i was treated like ass with the rest of them...and i still talk to them...i even help them in times of need...give them support...say they're good people...whatever...to be honest, if i had any balls whatsoever, i wouldn't be talking to the majority of my ex girlfriends anymore...no sir...should have said 'fuck you' and moved on...i'm not that kind of person though...i'll still be their friend when they need one...my respect for these people is down the toilet and i probably couldn't give a shit less about their lives...but i'll be nice

I guess what made me start going on aim again was that Michelle e-mailed me...i don't even know what to think with her...i don't think i could ever consider her a real friend of mine...i still have feelings for her...and i miss being with her...thats normal considering how much i loved her...but she did a really bad thing to me...i just don't think i can forgive her...i know i can't...and any mention of her boyfriend or being happy will just piss me off...its nice she e-mailed me wondering if i was okay...i guess she cares...maybe shes just bored when she gets online...who knows...but do you see what i mean?...when she talks to me its like we're suppose to be back to where we were before i even considered asking her out...good friends...but after loving her, having her break my heart, and treating my like shit in the end, its hard to even talk to her...i don't wanna not talk to her...but at times i don't wanna talk to her...just difficult there...and i don't know what to think...i don't know what to do...like pete said "outta sight, outta mind" but ugh...and maybe its cuz i'm bored as hell a lot of the time and don't have too terribly much to do but i do think about her often...wish i didn't, but i do...and i can't say to her "hey, you know, its really hard on me talking to you and i'm still not over you, so i'm gonna need a long break from you in order for me to be your friend some time down the road"...i'd feel bad saying that...and i was gonna write an e-mail back saying how i'm not over her and i still have strong feelings for her blah blah blah but i'd be putting myself out there to be hurt again...cuz i know by saying that i'd be being honest but i'd probably hint at wanting to be with her again...and then she'd just be like "okay" and it would probably hurt a little bit cuz in the back of my head i'd want to her to say she wanted me back...its just putting myself out there to be hurt again...so i just wrote her an e-mail back that said "sorry i haven't been online much...i'll start going on aim more often"...shes not the greatest thing in the world like i make her out to be in my head sometimes...i guess i'll just deal with it and avoid talking to her about anything detailed or how i feel...should have told her to eat shit and die after what she did to me with the total lack of respect...i'll bare with it...see what i mean? i know i bitch about this subject often and by all means skip past these parts cuz i'm sure it gets old...probably saying "my god, quit bitching about this and just move on!!!!"...i just find it hard to talk to her...sometimes hard not to talk to her...harder to talk to her though...but i'll be a "friend" and stick around for her...*shakes my head*

I mean seriously...and normally, after being dumped, i go back out with the person again...i'm sure it won't happen with Michelle but seriously, do i never learn my lesson?...when you get dumped, you move on and leave it in the past...especially if you were treated like shit...do you really think a person is going to change that much?...noooo...leave the past in the past...lets think about it for a moment...how i be if i was back with Michelle?...i wouldn't trust her one bit thats for sure...and saying i love you to her, no sir, would not happen...maybe it would but i'd always question if she meant it back...i'd be paranoid as shit when it comes to her going to work or school...when i was with her i was like "well i hope you don't dump me for some guy at work" and she was like "that would never happen, i promise i won't"...promise, pshh...what did she do? start going out with a guy from her work while still being with me...just wouldn't work...i wouldn't buy her things either...what have i gotten from her? nothing...yeah she sent me pictures through e-mail...she likes taking pictures anyways and i KNOW she thinks shes beautiful so she doesn't mind taking pictures of herself...i bought her flowers, CDs, chocolate, everything...what did i get? nothing...she didn't believe what i said at the end there too...even though she never had a reason to not believe me...see it just wouldn't work...leave the past in the past

I'm a very untrusting person as it is but when you show me a reason not to trust you, oh man, tis not good...my thought is, never trust anyone completely...which is true...i don't...i have different levels of trust with people...nobody's gonna get up to the 100% mark though...i'll give you an example...i trust my brother a great deal...would i trust him if i really needed help? of course...if i left something at his house or let him borrow something, would i trust him to return it to me? no lol...see different levels of trust...with Michelle, i don't trust her one bit...would i trust her to be there for me? no...would i trust her to care about me at all? no...different levels of trust...its probably bad of me to say but when i'm with someone, my trust for that person starts out extremely low...you have to earn my trust and it won't be easy...going through all of these crappy relationships doesn't help either...just makes my trust in a relationship go down each time...by no means do i show my lack of trust for someone i'm with...i'm suspicious of them at all times...you just have to earn my trust there...which i think saves me a little bit hurt in the end

when it comes to respecting someone theres a lot of things that can make that go down the toilet...like with Michelle...she didn't believe me when i said i never made that phone call...gave her no reason to doubt me...she didn't believe me...and she went out with a guy while still with me...respect has gone down the toilet...if you drink a great deal or do drugs...respect down the toilet...if you cheat on people and continue to do it time and time again, i have zero respect for you

I just have a big problem with people...i think this all contributes to why i'm shy and not social at all...you get close to people, you get disappointed...i mean how many people out there are gonna treat you like you treat them?...how many people can you really trust a great deal?...in a lot of ways i'm just thinking "ugh its just not worth finding out"...and how many people are going to accept how i really am?...i'm really concerned about how people think of me

This girl drives me insane...i think i've mentioned her before but really, shes horrible...i'm so embarrassed to say i went out with her...twice!!!!...if there was ever a time i may have been drugged, it was when i was with her...someone was putting drugs in my food cuz i was not thinking straight...her name is Melissa...she drinks all the time, does drugs all the time and she cheats...man does she cheat...i can't tell you how many times she cheated on me when i was with her...i lost count...i use to have the exact numbers...she had phone sex with several guys, cybered with several guys, and had actualy sex with a couple guys...i forgot the numbers on each though...if you look up words like "slut" or "whore" or "trash" you'll see her picture...she goes out with like 3 or 4+ people at a time...oh man, just when i think she can't get worse, she proves me wrong...let me tell you this...shes almost 18 i believe...right now shes married to a guy named Joe and has a kid with him...hes like 20 something...shes going out with a guy named Juan, hes like 17...shes going out with some girl whos 16...and, oh you'll love this, shes going out with her 12 year old cousin whos a girl...my goodness...i thought it was bad when she went out a 13 year old boy but she topped that...i didn't think she could top that but she did...you can ask her...she'll come right out and say shes going out with all of these people...in fact, shes proud of it...like i've said many times before, shes like a train wreck...just horrible but you can't stop looking...i just can't stop talking to her cuz shes so horrible...oh and shes the dumbest thing on earth...i've asked her questions like "when was the war of 1812?" and she didn't know...like "what continent is the USA on?" and shes like "whats a continent?"...she has to have an IQ of 10...oh shes horrible...i went out with her twice!!!!...i should have my ass kicked just cuz i was with her twice...ugh i find the worst people to go out with...she was the worst though...i mean if shes gonna give out sex like santa giving out gifts on christmas she should at least be getting paid for it...makes sense right?...shes not smart enough for that though...she was saying she liked me a couple weeks ago...yuck...like i've said many times, she'd like anything with two legs and a dick, give or take one or two of those

I'm gonna go look for food...probably nothing there but i'm gonna look anyways...this would be intermission

chocolate ice cream...chocolate syrup...chocolate chips...not bad...i may end this entry now though...i think i've went on with meaningless crap for a while now...should be somewhat entertaining...although in some cases i have to apoligize for bitching about some things repeatedly...for now i think i'll either watch Band of Brothers or The Sopranos season 1...which do you think?...Band of Brothers is awesome...i'm kinda a war mood at the moment anyways...maybe i'll watch that...sounds like a good plan...ever seen Saving Private Ryan? its like that times 20...which by the way that movie was awesome too...if only i had it on DVD i could watch it...think about all the awesome war movies...Braveheart...The Patriot...Gettysburgh...We Were Soldiers...i could go on and on...hmm The Patriot...now i have that on DVD...oh man i was set on something now i'm debating again...maybe i'll watch that cuz its like 3 am and Band of Brothers is like an all day thing...i've literally watch the complete mini series and the making of in one day...thats like over 13 hours...maybe i'll do that monday...can't do it tomorrow cuz theres football...can't miss that...but monday...yes monday...okay...so i need to go find The Patriot...and i need to end this entry...i'll end it with a quote from a movie..."theres in-holes and theres out-holes, you don't put stuff in the out-holes"

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Answer: Think Before Doing
Friday. 12.10.04 4:18 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Stupid subjects...cuz i'm bored
Sunday. 12.5.04 4:16 pm
Long entry the last time, huh?...i'll try to make this shorter...

Well the Broncos game is on...its a huge one...see the Broncos are 7-4 and they're playing the Chargers who are 8-3...both are in the same division...if the Broncos win, they'll be tied with the Chargers (well, actually they'd be ahead of them because they Broncos would have beat them twice this year) and if they lose well, they'll be two games behind the Chargers...see, you people really don't know how this affects me...when the Broncos lose, its devastating to me...oh yes, most of my week is ruined when the Broncos lose...so you can imagine how this would affect me if the Broncos lost...i even go further with how i take it...when they lose i think "shit, what did i do wrong!? was it because i watched? because i didn't watch!? should i have worn my Broncos shirt!? why!!!!! why did they have to lose!!?!?! what could i have done to make this a win!!?!?!?!"...really gets to me you know? lol...see i'm not watching the game because i think their record when i watch them, is quite bad...they only won once this year when i watched them...somethin like 1-3...so i'm not watching...i'm praying to the football gods for a miracle...and yes, GO BRONCOS!

So, what did i wake up to today?...christmas music...very loud...see the only way i like waking up is in peace and quiet and on my own...if i don't get that, i wake up pissed...i don't like waking up as it is but when i'm woken up by something, somebody needs to die because of it...and on Sunday's, i either get woken up by music or movies...i don't mind christmas music...but its just that i don't like hearing it for a whole damn month...christmas eve, fine...christmas day, fine...but for a whole month?...its like listening to one CD every day for a whole month...and when they start putting christmas music on before thanksgiving, oh man, i get pissed...we don't need to start that shit early!!!!...maybe just for a week, instead of a month...and when you go into like wal-mart or something, they always have christmas shit up early...drives me nuts too...its not that i don't like christmas cuz i do, people just get carried away...in my opinion, putting up christmas stuff and putting christmas music on shouldn't until, if you absolutely have to, december 1st...my opinion there

Ugh!!! Broncos are losing 14-7 and the Chargers have the ball!!!...i need my shirt...wheres my shirt!?!?!

So, plans for the day...lets see...well, i'll have to sit on my ass quite frequently throughout the day...can't go without a heavy dose of that...the real question is, what do i do while sitting on my ass quite frequently throughout the day?...well...study, movies, ps2, go online...thats pretty much what i've done for the last couple of months to be honest...i don't really mind though...i'm pretty good at being lazy...oh if only i could have a job doing just that...nothing

Wow...Packers are getting their ass's kicked by the Eagles 28-0...unfortunately i have the packers running back on my fantasy team...i've lost 6, not 5, not 2, 6!!!!!! fucking fantasy football games in a row...started off the season 5-1, lost ever since...bull shit...oh well...see thats okay, wanna know why? cuz i have a Fantasy Football Championship under my belt here...i should get a Championship ring here...yep, i kicked some ass last year...beat my brother in the Championship...i'm awesome...so i'm happy about that...would have been nice if things would have went well for me this year concerning that though...and as long as the Broncos make it to the playoffs, i'll be fine

What else can i say here...Eagles scored again...35-0...they're not even in the second half...sad...quite sad...i'm afraid to look at the score of the Broncos game

So my fan has four lights on it right...well one light went out, thats fine...then two went out at the same time...a little darker than i like but fine...then the fourth one went out...all of this happened within 2 weeks...we didn't have the right light bulbs so i put in these other ones with higher wattage...let me tell you, really fuckin bright when you turn on the lights in my room...so until i fix that, which since i'm lazy won't ever happen, i'm just gonna use the lamp in the corner for light...doesn't really matter...most of the time, i like it dark, and quiet...if i could, i'd stay up all night and sleep all day for the rest of my life...i try doing this sometimes but school interrupts at times...oh well

I'm just pushing off actually getting up here so i'm going on and on about things that really don't matter...so i had a zit on my face a little bit ago...i can handle normal zits...if it gets too obvious, pop it, move on...but this was no ordinary zit...it was big and painful...like, every time i moved my mouth, it hurt (it was located near my bottom lip)...popping something like that is just really painful too...i have stuff to put on my face when i do get zits so i put that stuff on...but for a few days there, pain in the ass...see i don't wanna pop it because what if by doing that, it causes more zits to appear?...so i didn't pop it, just put that stuff on it...its gone...but man i hate those kinda zits...at times, my face breaks out with zits, and at other times, my face is OK...drives me nuts sometimes...i'm 20, this shouldn't still be like this!!!...oh well

On to another boring subject...i need new contacts...well 1) because after this month, i don't have anymore and 2) because i can't see as good in my right eye as my left when the contacts are in...really gets to me...cuz i'll be sitting there several times a day closing my left eye and then closing my right eye to compare the two and hope that it'll be even...then i'll rub my right eye, see if that worked...it goes on and on throughout the day...issues with the contacts...see when i had glasses i didn't really have that issue...the issue with glasses was whether they were on straight or not...and the way i figured that out without looking in a mirror was see how they lined up compared to the bottom of my eyesight and the top of my eyesight...every once in a while i did this in class, make sure they were straight...kinda funny cuz in like 10th grade i was sitting in spanish class doing this and i couldn't get them straight...and you know, my eyes are like moving up and down, and i'm fixing them...and when i'm done i notice some girl across the room going "what!? what do you want!? why are you looking over here!?"...i wasn't paying any attention to her cuz i was messing with glasses but i guess it looked like i was looking over at her...kinda embarrassing lol...i was like looking behind me thinking "who is she talking to?"...so not really an improvement with the contacts concerning issues...hopefully i can fix that when i get new ones

Damnit...17-7 Chargers...come on Broncos...and the Chargers have the ball...son of a bitch...they're a good team, why are they fucking up like this!?!?!...well since its 5 pm and i haven't showered or put on any clothes besides the boxers and i have to pee, i guess i'll go...GO BRONCOS!

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Took me over 2 hours...enjoy
Friday. 12.3.04 2:59 am
3 am...good song by the way...but tis what time it is now...soooo what to write about here...i'm not really bored but i'm taking a break from crushing my opponents on Madden 2005...yes, i am the greatest...moving on

Nothing has really happened lately...i think on December 16th through the 22nd i'm flying out to visit my brother in Virginia...should be cool...probably go see some of the monuments and museums in DC...its always nice getting away from the parents and plus my brother and I get along really well...pretty much best friends...so tis good

I have a couple more presents to get...i need to get my mom one more thing...my neice and sister in law...possibly two other presents, we'll see though...christmas sucks...well not really, but i'm old enough now that i have to actually pay for presents to give to people...remember the days when your parents just gave you money to buy other people presents? oh those were the days...now i'm spending like hundreds of dollars...and its only gonna get worse!...i mean lets think about this...you'll get a wife...that'll lead to more relatives and friends...you'll get kids...its insane!!!!...you'll be spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on presents...i'm cheap to so this is really not good for me...it use to be "yay!!!! christmas!!!! bunch of gifts!!!!" now its "well christmas is great and all but i have to actually spend money...so well, yay i spose"...not that i'm really complaining or anything but everything my parents are gonna get me, i could get cheaper on ebay...but they're too lazy to figure out ebay...not that i'm complaining though...i'm sure i've spend $100 - $150 so far...and you know, i'll probably have to get a job here to pay for that last little bit of college and books for this semester...if it wasn't for christmas, i'd be good to go...but hey, bunch of gifts, big meal, nice break from school, tis all good...i'm just cheap

Theres really only a couple things i'm not cheap on...one being rare CDs...i've spent $190 on one CD alone because it was rare...two CDs that have gone for over $100...one went for like $130, the other $190...but, both are sealed, out of print, and extremely hard to find...i know, insane...and i've bought several CDs that are over $30 each...so i'm not cheap on that...another thing i'm not cheap on is girlfriends...i know, you hear me bitching and complaing up there about buying gifts but for some odd reason i have absolutely no problem with spoiling a girl...i'll buy her flowers and all kinds of expensive crap...makes me really happy to put a smile on a girlfriend's face...which, i'm sure isn't a bad thing...i'm the kind of guy that would always pay for dinner, lunch...buy flowers and chocolate on a regular basis...buy things for no reason at all for her...just the way i am...two things i'm not cheap about...everything else, oh i hate even spending a dime

I'll give you a few examples of how cheap i am...if i have to buy lunch for myself...i either 1) skip lunch to save money or 2) go for the dollar menu at a fast food place...oh yes and if lunch is over $3 and some change, i feel ripped off...its that bad...i absolutely hate breaking a dollar when i don't have to...like when its $3.45 and i don't have any change, i have to pay with $4.00...i hate that...i can't stand it...i have to have at least $1 of change in my pocket when buying something just so i don't have to break that dollar...madness, i know...thats another thing...if i'm gonna go get lunch and i don't have any change, the chances of me skipping lunch greatly increases because i'll most likely have to break that dollar...why do you people think i go on ebay all the time? cuz i save money and lots of it...its made me even cheaper though...i mean when i see a CD on sale for $10 at Best Buy i'm still thinking "ugh, bastards, i'm being cheated!!"...yep, its bad

I swear, even if i was rich, i'd be doing the same thing...seriously...i wouldn't have a huge house...i wouldn't buy things just for the hell of it...nope, i'd be in my jeans and T-shirt, probably driving something thats not too terribly expensive, with a medium size house...no, you wouldn't be able to tell i was rich...all of that money would be in a bank account...foreverrr...thats just how i am...not really a bad thing but i'm probably taking it too far...its okay, i get excited when i find things at a good price...like food or CDs, anything...like when i worked at Wendy's and we god 50% off the food...oh man...every day for lunch i'd get 3 Texas double burgers for like $1.50...3 DOUBLE BURGERS FOR $1.50!!!!!!...*sniff* i miss that...thats just awesome isn't it?...god that was great...gotta love dollar menu's

Onto another subject...i got AOL...2 months free...i'm bored as hell so i figured i'd get it and watch all the jackass's in chat rooms talk...my god it seems like 95% of the world is made up of idiots when you go into chat rooms...i'm serious...i know i'm not the best at spelling or english but these people are fuckin idiots...i'm not just talking about the little teenagers, i'm talkin about people my age and even older...they don't know how to spell, they're immoral, they're just idiots!...i was thinking "okay, maybe i'll go some new friends by doing this" but it feels like its impossible...i can't be friends with idiots like these...if your life revolves around sex, alcohol, drugs and generally being an idiot, i want nothing to do with you...but its like most people's lives are revolved around that...i mean seriously...i feel like i'm alone in this thinking too...i don't feel the need to drink, i don't feel the need to get high, i don't feel the need to sleep with everyone (i know, i'm a virgin, but i still feel sex shouldn't be with just anyone), and i don't feel the need to do idiotic things over and over and over again...where can i find people who think this way? seems impossible...i know a couple of my friends feel the same but still, sometimes it feels theres nobody out there thinking this way...especially when it comes to like good looking people...i know i'm judging here but everyone judges so don't give me that crap that you don't...like if i see a picture of a good looking girl in regular clothing...i immediatly think that she probably drinks, probably does drugs, has slept with probably many guys, parties on a regular basis, goes to clubs a lot, and is full of herself...i know thats a horrible thing to say but thats what goes through my mind...especially the being full of herself part...i think that if you really are good looking, you know it...but if you really are good looking, its how you present yourself to the world that matters in my opinion on this issue...i know everyone likes attention and everything but you don't need to show the world your tits and every bit of your body...a little mystery there can actually be a good thing, at least in my opinion...all these girls wear tight clothes and clothes that reveal everything...don't get me wrong, being a guy i certainly don't mind seeing that but looking at it from the point of view of wanting a relationship with someone, i don't like that...you can wear clothes that show a little and all that but have style, be original, and leave some mystery there...going to the woodlands high school, you see this everywhere...girls will look at some revealing tight shirt with a playboy bunny on it and say "oh thats so cute!!"...yeah if you're going for the slut kind of look there...am i old fashioned in my thinking here?...i'm not saying you should cover every inch of your body with your clothes but seriously, have some style, some originality, and you don't need to reveal to the world every part of your body

i don't like the excessive piercings and tattoos...whats the big deal?...everyone goes nuts over it too...its like, if you don't have a shitload of these things, you're not 'cool'...its permanent drawings on your body and holes in your body...yeah lets see how you look 20 years from now...40 years from now...i can go for maybe one or two tattoos...some piercings...its kinda cool the whole belly button thing...and sometimes it does look sexy when girls get tattoos in certain places...we don't need to go nuts here though

Going into chatrooms, everyones like "hot sexy female here" blah blah blah...no, i don't like that...you're too full of yourself...personally, even if you are the best looking female on the face of the earth, you don't need to tell everyone you're sexy and hot...i've always liked it when girls are like "oh, i'm not good looking" and then you say "you're really beautiful" and they smile...its great...its a major turn off for me when girls not only know they're beautiful but feel they need to tell everyone that they are beautiful...you sound like a stuck up bitch and you're leaving no room for compliments...i really hate this..."wow you're beautiful" "i know"...ugh, drives me nuts...i don't look at a beautiful girl and just think "wow shes beautiful", i look at her clothes, the way she presents herself...maybe the way she talks...if you're wearing very revealing clothing, telling everyone you're "sexy" and "hot", raving about tattoos and piercings, and you're all over every male in the room you're nothing but trash in my opinion...very unattractive qualities there

Maybe i am old fashioned in my thinking...i find a lot of things that people do normally to be very wrong...everyone wants to just "have fun" and everything...well having fun is great but theres a point where you're taking it too far...lets look at commercials and TV shows...sex, alcohol, drugs...a lot of it is too much...going too far...a prime example being every reality show out there...they go out there and find people who are in long term relationships who are good people and turn them into cheaters and horrible people

I dunno...i'm sure a great deal of people disagree with me on these issues but i don't care...i don't see whats wrong with a female being 'lady-like' and having morals...i'm not saying there isn't any girls like this out there but it just seems like i'm surrounded by girls who aren't this way...seems like the 'in thing' is to look like a slut and party all the time

Another thing that bothers is me is the lack of respect most people have for others...especially in relationships...when two people are together, you shouldn't go after one of them...you should respect the relationship they're in...every time i've gone out with a girl, some guy hits on her or tries flirting with her even with the knowledge of her being with me...show some respect for the relationship she has with the guy...and when you're in a relationship, you shouldn't flirt, kiss, or cheat...its disrespecting not only the relationship you have but the person you're with...personally, i think any kind of flirting or sexual act is cheating when doing it with another person while you're in a relationship...if some guy is flirting with you, you need to simply say "i'm sorry but i'm in a relationship so please stop"...those few simple words...i'm probably old fashioned in my thinking there too cuz it seems almost like a normal thing to cheat on the person you're with or flirt with other people while in a relationship...you shouldn't cheat in any way, you should be as honest as you possibly can, and you should respect the person you're with...to be honest, i think those three things are extremely rare...i have trust issues for a reason...in the majority of my relationships, i've had to deal with dishonesty, disrespect, and cheating...its wrong...now i've done my fair share of bad things but i learned from them and haven't done them again...thats what you do when you do something bad and realize it...you don't go do it again, you learn from it and never do it again

Its no wonder why i'm so anti social and so shy...i feel like i'm surrounded by dishonest, disrespectful, immoral idiots...at this point i'm afraid to meet new people...i'm afraid of going out with someone...i'm afraid of making new friends...why? because most likely i'm gonna have to deal with these things...i don't feel like putting up with this crap from people...i have hardly any friends but still, a good amount of my friends have treated me like shit in some way or another...i'm not perfect myself either, i do make mistakes, but there comes a time when its just going too far...you're being treated like shit too much

So i'm sure reading through that you can see what kind of people i'd like to be around and what kind of girl i'm looking for...i'm sure its rare to find these qualities in people...i'm not looking for perfection but some of those things i listed are pretty big...i'm sure i am old fashioned in my thinking

I told you i got AOL right? well i stopped going on aim...i haven't actually talked to anyone on aim for oh a week or so?...kinda hard to explain why but i just needed to get some space from people...it just feels overwhelming sometimes, feeling like you're being treated like crap and that if you disappeared people wouldn't care...so yeah, here i am disappearing for a bit, from most people...and there were a couple people i'm not talking to that i just have a history with and i just don't wanna talk to them for a while...like one of my best friends is an ex girlfriend of mine...but theres a history there and its complicated and there were some bad things that went on while being with her...when i talk to her, it reminds of these bad things sometimes...i just need a break from people...a couple things happened recently that pushed me to kinda disappearing

One of my friends has been going through some difficulties with a guy she loves...through the whole thing i was there for her and listened to her thoughts on the situation...i did my best to help her and told her i was always there for her and we talked pretty much every day about the situation with her and the guy...i was being a really good friend to her...giving her my opinion, some advice, being there for her and everything...but...and this is a big BUT...when i got dumped by Michelle and my heart was shattered into a million pieces, i went to this girl...she talked to me for a couple days but then she was like "i'm just filling up that time you had with your girlfriend"...i was just like "well i'm going through a hard time right now, can you at least be a friend to me while i'm going through this?" and to my surprise she pretty much said no...how shitty is that?...i've been friends with her for a while now and she says that to me...i know i didn't talk too much online while i was with Michelle but you don't need to say you're not gonna be friends with me anymore while i'm broken hearted...so she does that to me and then expects me to be there for her while shes going through a hard time...and i helped her out and everything...i don't need that

Another friend of mine, i've just never gotten the feeling that she cared about me at all...i got her a gift for her birthday...she actually complained about it a little...when someone gives you a gift, you don't complain about it...and i do my best to be nice to her...the way she talks to me just gives me the feeling she doesn't care if i dropped off the face of the earth or not, especially compared to how she treats her other friends who are also friends of mine...shes like "oh hes so sweet" or "hes so cute sometimes" "hes such a nice guy" blah blah blah...i never hear those things from her...also an ex girlfriend of mine...i hardly ever heard those things from her when we went out either...it just gets to me

Plus theres also Michelle...i can't stand talkin to her...its hard on me...i still have feelings for her and everything...when she brings up her boyfriend josh it bugs me...or when she brings up josh's mom being like her second mother...how things are just great with her...it just really got to me how easily it was for her to move on from me...it was just way too easy for her to move on from me...it doesn't make sense in my mind sometimes when i think about how its extremely hard for me to move on from her yet it was very easy for her to move on from me...and by talking to her, this bugs me...shes still a friend of mine and everything...at this point in time though i just can't talk to her...i thought i could but i just can't...its too hard on me...and i'd feel bad saying this to her even though i shouldn't feel bad...i can't say "listen, its really hard on me talking to you so i need to stop talking to you for a while so i can move on from you easier"...so another reason for disappearing there

The majority of the friends i have are girls...and the majority of those girls i've either gone out with, liked, or they liked me...so with a lot of what i just said in mind, i feel like i need a break from all of this...i'll admit that part of my "kind of disappearing" is to see who will actually give a shit but probably 90% of it is to just take a break from everyone...i don't like drama and i don't like emotional crap...a lot of that is going on...i can't go without social interraction but i do need a break from most people...and it would be nice to know that the people i call friends actually do give a shit about me

On another subject, my birthday is in less than 2 months...i guess my brother wants to fly out to see me on my birthday...i'll be turning 21...now why would my brother be flying out to see me on my birthday this time and not times before? ahh...see this isn't good...no, this is not good...i know what he was planned...hes wanting to take me to a strip club...thats just embarrassing for me...i mean when i'm looking through the magazine section of say wal-mart or something, i don't even wanna be seen next to a magazine that has some girl in a bikini on it...if i can't even handle that, how can i handle going to a strip club?...oh yes, my face will be red the whole way through and i know i'll just be wishing the day to go by faster...not good...i don't really like my birthdays...i don't like making a big deal out of my birthdays...its nice when friends and family recognize it and say "happy birthday" cuz it lets you know who actually gives a shit about you but i don't like making a big deal out of it...no songs, no parties, no candles, no little birthday hats, nothing out of the ordinary...usually i get one gift from the parents, $20 from my brother, $50 from my grandmother, then i go out to eat with the parents, and eat whatever dessert my mom makes for me...thats my day...thats enough...throwing in going to a strip club isn't gonna work for me...i'd like it to go just like any other birthday...maybe it would be nice to order an alcoholic drink just cuz i can now but other than that, it should go just like my other birthdays...maybe i can take the car right before my birthday and not return until its over...i just hate making it a big deal...plus its like, oh yay, another year goes by and life has pretty much been the same for me, not too much of a change...not that my life is bad...when i think about it, my life is quite good, but it would be nice if a few things could change in it

I'm gonna be 21...can you believe that?...i'm in my twenties...i don't even feel like i'm in my twenties...it just feels like between the age of 13 and now, everythings been the same...nothing has really changed...and i know i haven't experienced things that normal teenagers have experienced...i feel like i'm a lot behind in some things...i didn't enjoy my teenage years...i'm sure most people do but i didn't...high school sucked...college, although way better than high school, sucks too...and i don't feel like i'm in my twenties...i'm sure i don't look my age and i'm sure i don't act my age...pretty much all of that, that i just said contributes to why i don't enjoy my birthdays and why i don't like making a big deal out of them...but hey, at least i can say i'm older than probably 95% of my friends

So, i think i shall be going...its 5:12 am...i think i'll wake up tomorrow and do pretty much what i did today...why? because thats pretty much how the last 7 years have been...basically the same thing over and over...its not bad, but its not great either...i'm not a big fan of change but sometimes its nice to have a few surprises here and there...actually, putting some emotional crap aside, i kinda like things how they are at the moment...but trust me, that'll get old in a hurry...i'll give it another week until i go insane...talk to you people later

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