Don't get me wrong, I love my friends.
Tuesday. 7.8.08 11:24 am
Some more than others...
You ever had so much build up in your brain that it feels like it's going to just burst at any minute? You think so much about a billion and one subjects that it just becomes this time bomb waiting to explode. Sometimes I feel like if I don't get them out of my head that I'm just going to be trapped with them forever. For some subjects, it's not technically a bad thing but for others...well it's enough to drive me insane.
I ask myself this a lot... Why are people so afraid to be alone? Being alone isn't all that bad. I am alone most of the time and it really doesn't bother me. Then again, sometimes I feel as if I was raised to be alone. That's fine by me. I won't complain none. All I really need is myself because my friends aren't going to be the ones to get me up to get my life moving. Neither is my family. I rely on myself to do those things, so why would I need anybody?
Monday. 7.7.08 10:45 pm
The Fourth of July and I didn't seen one firework.
That's perfectly alright with me, I don't really care to. I don't really believe in American independence all that much. 'Tis true, we are much freer than most of the world, in which I am grateful for...but the fact that I can't stand up and spout my beliefs without someone calling me "politically in-correct" makes me feel like a prisoner.
The truth is, America is not free at all. America does not accept all, they only accept what has been accepted before. Stay true to your beliefs, your morals, and you're bloody screwed. One is only allowed to agree with it all, not raise a hand in defense.
Now all the same, I am perfectly alright with listening. Debating. Most of my close friends do not agree with me at all on political issues, but it's absolutely fine with me. I listen to them, I respect them. If they have strong reasons for their values/views, I respect and admire them, no matter how different we may be.
It's all frustrating, but I find my loop-holes. As I turn on the news to see one more law being passed against my beliefs, I turn to find peace. It's alright. In my life, I will live by my rules, my morals. I can not change the world, but all the same, it will not change me. My friend Britney said something to me once on the subject of gay marriage that I will never, ever forget. She said "Look at all the Hollywood romances. The divorce rate is to 60 percent. I believe marriage is something holy and meant to last until death, but the truth is, people will laugh in the face of marriage forever. What is the difference between a 24 hour marriage in Las Vegas and two men getting married? Nothing. And so, you really shouldn't even worry about it."
I don't really expect anyone to agree with me, and it's perfectly fine. But I will not become caged in, silent. I'm Britney Biegel, this is what I believe, and if you tell me to shut up, tell me I'm wrong because I'm not politically correct, than you're also telling me that I don't matter, I'm of no use, the world made a mistake when it made me the way I am today, and I personally just don't believe that.
These days are captivating
Saturday. 7.5.08 3:02 am
Him: you worry me sometimes
Him: but at the same time, you have no idea how much i admire you
Him: you are such a fighter.
Me: I think this game of life is worth fighting for.
This world is too big for me. I am tiny, and this universe is infinite. I am so amazed that I have this tiny slot in this world, as insignificant as it is. I have the best friends in the seven seas. I have my emotions here that I can wear on my sleeve. I have my creativity, which is what enables me to keep going throughout every day. It keeps me going and going and going and not stopping. I am in rejuvenated. I am alive. Join me, in this revolution!
I got soul, but Iím not a soldier
Thursday. 7.3.08 11:35 pm
I've been spending the days running, reading and "expanding the mind," if you will. I sleep out on my deck often and have enough time to savor the feeling of grass under my bare feet, the smell of the trees, the glow of fireflies at night. I've never been this satisfied with my life (:
I'm bored. I want some kind of passion, or drive, or intensity, to keep me going. I'm not used to peace.
Thursday. 7.3.08 1:14 am
I tried so hard, because it's what you deserve, because you gave so much to me, because I owed so much to you, but now it seems its another person, the one who I'd least expect giving so much to me. And me owing them a lot. Emotional also this time, which is different. But either way, I'll try to find a meaningful, worthy way of paying you back.
And I tried to be around you guys again, but I felt uncomfortable, you're a different person, not the same one that I knew, which saddens me so much. Because I love you, and I want to be around the person that I spent most of my life with. But things are changing for you, they're changing for me.
And it seems as though I can't find stability within a single one of my friends anymore, its making me feel unsafe, and alone, because I always rely on the people that love for a place to set down emotions in, and let down my guard with, but now its slowly withering down to no one. And with you, oh, with you. The things we did, we shouldn't have done, because I loved you, I still love you, so much that sometimes it still hurts. And all those tears that we've cried in front of each other, and all those premade plans you talked about, they sound wonderful. But we still shouldn't have done this. It messed us up, and thats what you were fearing the most. I need you as my best friend, and I need you by my side, so please don't try to leave, please just stay. That was the most selfish thing I've ever said, and I'm sorry, but it cant be, because I've finally got what I was looking for.
But it made me want to cry my eyes out todayday when you pulled that bottle from the freezer and looked at me with your wide beautiful eyes, it made me want to break down and yell at you, but I couldn't because theres something inside of me just tugging, and pulling me back. Saying if I love you, I'll let you be who you are. But its not like that,
I need you to stop. And as much as I'd love to go back to Texas with you, and as much as your family is wonderful, I don't know if I can tolerate watching you the way that I've seen you. I don't want you to be my drunk high best friend, and I want to tell you this, but theres no way of saying it that wont make me hurt even more inside, because if you know, you will continue, it'll hurt me more. But nevertheless, you're the only person who spending time with lately has made me feel on top of the world, like life is worth living. And hearing you talk to that man last night, about that car, about just doing things with him, oh no. I cant do that. I cant have you away for more than a day without feeling sad. What am I going to do?
And with you, my old friend, I feel fine with you, to think that I almost wanted to let you go, when even though we don't spend as much time as we used to, you're one of the only places I can find sanity within. Your loud, morally wrong humor, keeps me laughing for hours, and your soft toned voice is the easiest to confide within. I could talk to you till the world ends, and still have more to say to you. And sometimes, even though its sad, I think about that one day where the sky was so blue, and we sat on top of your roof, and fell asleep right next to each other, and the first day that I heard Kimya Dawson, it was from you! I think about that, and I think about how true of a friend you are to me. I love you, and I need you in my life for as long as I possibly can keep!
I don't know. I'm not sure. I think that lately I've been just content, going along with the routine, and following along with what every day just consists of. I've been walking through each and every day with no thought, trying to avoid emotion, and doing that after a long time makes you a different person it makes you cold, mindless, and too tough, I'm not the same little girl I used to be, mind always wandering, thoughts always cooking inside of my head, but tears never stopping. I'm someone different now I guess. I guess you all are too. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was a lot that I needed to say, and a lot that you probably wont bother to read. But its out now. And I feel like I'm going to cry.
Wednesday. 7.2.08 3:20 pm
I'm living an absolute dream.
I've never been happier.
Everything is great.
My friends are great.
School went great.
I feel so incredibly valued.
It's July. I can't believe it's July already. This eventful Summer is flashing by me and I would very much like to hold on to it to my best ability. I've had a good run so far.
And I'm sorry mother.
Not because I hurt your feelings, but I'm sorry that all of your attempts cannot phase my joy. None of the horrible things you could say to me and none of the tears you could cry just so I can hear your whimpers through the wall can touch me. I spent six fucking years feeling bad, feeling depressed, hiding in closets and sobbing under desks because of the words you implanted into me. I'm not the girl who bites at her knees in the shower because she has nowhere else to hide. You can tell me I'm rude and disrespectful. You can shut off my phone line. You can throw my closet full of clothes into the front yard. You can say I surround myself with assholes. You can even kick me out like you've been saying I deserve. I'll be happy and I'll find my way, even if it means without you.
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