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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

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A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
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Axe Cop
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Blue Milk Special
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Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
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Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
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For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
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Legend of Bill
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Love Me Nice
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Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
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A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

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Old habits [4P]
Thursday, July 9, 2015
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A thousand airplanes and Vermont
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I was reading 1000 Airplanes on the Roof again tonight. Listened to the soundtrack, wished I could have seen it live.

All right then, I surrender! I can no longer hold the universe at bay. There is a universe in my mind, struggling to make its way out. Memories slip between the cracks. The trickles become a torrent, carrying me away. At this moment, I've lost my job, I've lost any sesnse of the world beyond me. And, worst of all, I've lost the will even to hope-- that her life, the beating of her heart, could drown out these sounds! What choice do I have? No place could be as alien as this world has become.

I've run everywhere to escape my memories, everywhere but into my mind itself.

I'm back home. It feels strange. I guess, whenever I travel, it sort of feels like I leave my life at home behind.

There are visitors who travel the universe. Why? I don't know. How? I think I know. They travel because they've come to understand the role of matter over the five dimensions. There are always two ways to travel: the hard way. . . and the easy way. The hard way is across space-- the easy way is within space.

The lone Zen monk, sitting on a frozen hillside, outside a pavilion, has also mastered the easy way. He turns his eyes inward. And finds, there, an imprint of the universe. And, then, wherever he wants to be, he has already arrived.

I slept on the plane ride, and once I got home. Really, I was sleeping just about all day. Had many dreams, but hardly remember anything.

Even though it's been awhile now, I still think about Romeo. It's hard not to, I guess. His picture is on my debit card, so every time I pull it out, I'm reminded of him. It's a mild sadness that crops up every now and then. I'm wondering if I should just desensitize myself to it with prolonged and continual exposure, or if it would be better to pack the pictures and thoughts of him away and let myself feel that sadness once in awhile when I remember. Usually I view the first option as preferable, because avoidance solves absolutely nothing and sometimes tends to make things worse, but this time I don't know.

Not sure what to say about Vermont. It was very green there. I'd never want to live there, though. It felt like everyone who lived there was either a farmer, an artisan, or a worker in the tourism industry. We did a bike ride every day from Sunday through Thursday, and then did a short 2.5 mile hike on Friday. I think I hurt my shin or something... I'm not really sure what happened, because it doesn't look bruised, but there's some pain there. I don't think the distance of the rides we did means much, because there were lots of hills. I didn't know Vermont had so many hills before going there. On one of the days though, I ended up mostly biking (and sometimes walking) around seven miles uphill in the rain. That was probably the worst ride of the trip. I think I would rather do three times the mileage on a generally flat road than bike uphill.

Took a lot of pictures while I was in Vermont, but I'm too tired to post them right now. Later...


I liked this secret from Postsecret:


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Empty space
Friday, June 26, 2015
I keep looking over at the cage and expecting Romeo to be there, but he's not. It's just Cici now. Mostly I don't feel sad unless I think about it too much, but it's taking awhile to really process him being gone. Cici seems okay so far, I guess. She comes out of the cage and flies around and chirps.

I'm leaving tonight for Vermont. Maybe the bike trip with my mom will take my mind off of things. My friend said he can't meet up after all, which is a bummer, but that's okay, I guess. I'll try to take lots of pictures in Vermont. It's supposed to rain a lot while we're there, which might be sort of nice, except for the fact that it will very possibly rain on us as we bike. I'm not looking forward to that so much.

And then... right after I get back from Vermont, I'll spend some time with my boyfriend. That should be nice. Haven't gotten to play games with him or anything these past couple days, so hopefully we'll get some Divinity playtime in.

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Goodbye Romeo
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Romeo died this morning. He was very weak, and he couldn't perch anymore. He could barely walk, either. I had a crisis hotline shift at 7 AM, so I asked my parents to check on him periodically while I was gone, and I got a text around 9 AM from my mom. She said she found him lying on the floor of the cage, not moving. Part of me hoped that she was mistaken and he was just very still, but when I got home there was no question that he was gone.

We put him in a box and buried him in the backyard, next to one of the fruit trees. At first I was digging the hole by myself, but my dad came out to help me. I wanted the hole to be deep enough that nothing would dig it up.

I was worried he would die while I was gone. This morning before I left, I held him a little and told him I loved him and said goodbye. I guess it was good that I did that, because it sounds like he didn't hold out much longer than that.

Here's a picture I took of him yesterday.

He was all fluffed up like that this morning, too, but not when I came home after my shift. He didn't even look like himself anymore when I came home. His eyes were wrong. They looked... deflated and dried out. Something to do with the vitreous humor, I guess.

I cried a bit when I was in my room, and when I was talking to my mom about it. She gave me a hug and cried a little too. Romeo was with us for over ten years, and it hardly feels real that he's gone now. I had to go for therapy in the afternoon, and when I got back, there were flowers in my room. I guess my mom thought they might cheer me up. It was a nice gesture.

My boyfriend has been supportive too, although I wish he could have given me a hug when I texted him about it. There's not much that can be said, really, but he told me he loved me, and that was comforting.

I'll be okay, but I'm still kind of sad for now.

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No cupcakes [2P]
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
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Things that happened!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Two things to report:

1. I am now done with undergrad, except for the graduation ceremony!

2. My first anniversary with my boyfriend just passed!

We haven't celebrated our anniversary (yet?), but it's nice to think about. I had so much to do that I almost forgot it was our anniversary, haha. Managed to sneak in a little text to him, though. :)

I hope we find some time to get a cupcake. Honestly though, I'm just really happy that we're going to spend some time together. It was a bit hard to get enough time with him when I had all my projects and finals and stuff. Now I don't have to do anything, though! So maybe we'll finally make some progress in Divinity. XD

We might also start playing a different game together... not sure what, just yet. For now, all I want to do is hug him and feel him close to me and give him bunches and bunches of love. I can't believe it's been a year already. I also can't believe it's only been a year.

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Only a few days left! [3P]
Sunday, June 14, 2015
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Saturday, June 13, 2015
"You and I" by New Look.

I've been listening to New Look a lot these past few days.

I'll be graduating in a week! Crazy to think about. I still have a ton to do before then though. :( In all honesty, what I have to do isn't hard, it's just tedious.

This morning I got up at 5:45 AM because I have a 7 AM crisis line shift. It's... only 7:43 right now, haha. Got a few hours to go... Then I'm going to have lunch with my new friend. Hopefully that'll be fun! I liked hanging out with him last week.


So... Recently I've been considering moving in with my boyfriend. Assuming all goes well and I'm accepted into the school I want, that would be really convenient, since he's close to it. I wouldn't have to pay rent, but I'd help clean and cook and other chores. And run errands. Housegirlfriend! :P It's exciting and just a little scary to think about. He's thinking about moving apartments soon, so we've been looking at some together...

Also, our anniversary is next week! I guess we're probably not going to celebrate it, since other stuff is going on, but it's kind of crazy to think about. A year seems like such a long time. And yet, it also feels like I've been with him all my life. Maybe he'd think it's silly for me to say this, but I often feel like our relationship is outside time. Like time is just a distraction from something which has no true beginning or end. It's funny to think there was ever anything before this, because how can there be something prior to that which is timeless?

I feel very happy today!

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