Wednesday. 12.6.06 12:07 am
Sometimes days seem horrible. Sometimes they seem wonderful. Today happened to be an usual mixture of both. You start off with your usual humdrum depressing things that I concern myself with. Follow it up with an old lady flipping you off. And end it with a strange array of romantic feelings...
Yeah... I've decided on talking to my mom about things. I started to consider it once she started asking questions about school. I hate lying to her. When she didn't ask any question I didn't feel as guilty. Although, I'm thoroughly concerned on her reaction, along with many others, my main concern is finding my path. My direction. My Polaris, if you will. I know she'll be upset. I know I'll dissapoint quite a few people. But that's not my worry. I pray that somehow by talking to her I'll find something. Some sort of clue or stepping stone to finding my way. So, I guess I'm telling her because I'm down to my last hope. I've ran out of rope. At the edge of a cliff. She's my last chance. This is what I spent my morning concentrating on.
Then I made a U turn somewhere near my house and an old couple that were also getting on 341 honked at me. They didn't just honk at me. They held down the horn for a good minute. It wasn't because I almost hit them. Heck, they would of hit me if they had been going alot faster or weren't so far away when I started to make my U turn. But no, apparently they just didn't like that I made a U turn. So this old couple, and I mean OLD, like in their 80's OLD, started tailgating me. That's when I decided it was just too much. They don't own the road. So I let them know. One of the many wonders of my Jeep is it's ability to pee. You see, most Jeep cherokees have a back windshield wiper. Normal working windshield wipers spray water to the window. Mine has a little defect. But it works miracles. It, instead, sprays water in a stream away from my Jeep and unto whatever is behind me. And I'm not talking just a couple feet away. I'd say it can reach a 7 or 8 feet or so behind me. So I peed on them. They looked beyond shocked. It was totally worth having the old lady flipping me off. It was almost as good as when the Sheriff honked at me.
Then I went to work... I thought it would just be a regular day. I'd go to work, followed by a youth night, then go to bed feeling not quite there. But something changed today. It was ever so slight of a change. But it feels good. You see, there's this co-worker, her name is Ceci. I've liked her since the moment I saw her. She's very pretty. She's goofy and witty... she's just wonderful. But she's 24. And what I would consider, way out of my league. My only problem is that I feel nearly every girl is way out of my league. In the love department, I have horrible self-esteem. With reason, but still. And I know that. So I know that I honestly have no idea what my worth is. But so far, I just can't believe I'm worth all that much. But still, I think she's too wonderful for me. And sometimes I'd get the feeling that she liked me. But then I quickly start to believe that that's just how she is. She's friendly and funny. You know, I'm not anything special in her eyes, I'm sure. And there's always moments where we don't talk to each other at all while at work. But when we do... I don't know... I could just be romanticizing it, but it feels like there's a connection there. I don't know. It's probably just my imagination. I try to look in her eyes and see if I can read her. Read how she feels about me. But I can't discern anything. Well, her and her best friend, who happens to be our supervisor, were going to a new Starbucks after work because they were having free samples and such. They invited me and the other tutors. I said I would go. I figured I could squeeze it in before I had the youth night. Well, Christina, the supervisor, Ceci, and me got there right after work. It looked like they might take a while. And I realized I wouldn't have time. I apologized and left. When I got in my Jeep and began to call the youth, I realized a major problem; they all had things to do. No one was going to go to the youth night, save for Paul. Well, I figured there would be no point in it then. So I canceled the youth night. And as I began driving away I realized, "I can either go home and do what the usual... or..." So I drove back to Starbucks. I walked back in. Christina seemed to be in a rush. I sat next to them and had myself a couple samples of pumpkin pie muffins and other such Starbuky things. I was there less than 3 minutes when Christina said, "Ok, I have to go. I have things to do. Bye guys." So I'm here waiting for Ceci to say that she also has things to do and she must go as well. She didn't do that until nearly two hours later... We talked on and on. Had ourselves some more samples. She colored a postcard there. I fell in love with Peppermint Mocha. And as I sat there wondering what was happening, wondering if this was for real, an employ comes up to us and offers either one of us a Peppermint Mocha that he had made on accident. The Starbucks was full, why he offered to me, I'll never know. Ceci didn't want any. But that's definitely not my casual luck. Well, it hasn't been for years anyways. But it was a great time. I really like her. She has such wonderful goals and personality. She wants to some day have either run a program or a shelter that rehabilitates teenagers. She's so great... But again, I don't see this going anywhere. The same way that I know I won't be able to afford coming to Starbucks frequently and getting myself a Peppermint Mocha, I know that she won't be a part of my life. But I'm just wonderfully content that for at least ONE night, I was able to have something as wonderful as a Peppermint Mocha all to myself. Metaphor included.
Tonights entry is dedicated to a few very special people. Monica my dear wonderful friend who, though, hundreds of miles away and with a very full life of her own still keeps up with my life through nutang. If only she would join as well! And for kKama. I feel I've been a bit rough with her, when in reality I'm just rough with those I love. She's been a loyal reader and has shown conern for my life which she has never had any obligation to. And of course all you other nutanger friends. Love you guys.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
Saturday. 12.2.06 2:20 am
When the weight of all the world's gone wrong...
I saw Deja Vu earlier with Robyn and her friend Timmy. It got me thinking. Not hardcore thinking, like usual, but still. I wonder, had I the ability to go back and change anything, would I? could I? It seemed timed so perfectly. Everything. Down to every pain staking move the world made. God was there. I know He was. But I know there was more than just Him. But why? What was the purpose? Some seem to believe I blame God and other paranormal things for what happened. I don't blame them. In Moe's words "...at the end of the day you are still presented with a choice." But everything else leading to some of those choices. That couldn't be changed. It couldnt' be altered. At the end of the day I kept screwing myself over. Do I honestly subconsciously detest myself this much? Or am I trully this blind? ...it's probably the latter. It still makes my mind whirl, though...
I pray some day, someone, anyone, gives me the answers...
I know I probably won't be content with the answer. But at least I'll have that.
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