My ride home
Friday. 12.8.06 10:07 am
to leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set it's time"
Things went better than I expected... but worse at the same time.
I came clean. My mom reacted better than I thought she would. She did cry a little, but just a little. She didn't really get mad. But unfortunately she really couldn't guide me. She said that if I lacked motivation/drive to go to school for myself then I should do have it for her. I always thought it was funny how most people told me that my mom would understand and would tell me "to go live my own life". I thought it was really funny, actually. I love my mom, and she's a WONDERFUL person, but I know her better than alot of other people. I know she can be a bit self concerned at times. But you get cancer and you start worry, I guess. So, I explained that if she wanted me to live for her I could and would do it, but it it wouldn't be college. I'd find a job that payed well and that I could slowly make more and more money, that way to relieve some of the stress she has now and hopefully in the future have enough to take care of her. This bothered her, I could tell. Then she stopped and asked me "Is she fully out of your system? Out of your thoughts? Out of your life?" I stumbled at this question. I know she noticed. After a small pause that would normally go unnoticed, I responded, "Not fully. I can't. Not while I'm here. That's one of the reasons I want out." She asked me to where. I responded with either North Carolina or California. I mentioned how if I went to California I would have people to go to in case of anything. She mentioned how that could be a plus but also a downside. She said she preffered North Caroilna. That way I could really learn to make it on my own. To really just be me without anyone or anything else.
So that's where we're at, right now. We'll see how it goes down...
I know this isn't over. It's far from over. I've just opened the doors to others knowing about what's happened and what's going on. This is where the rough comes in... I also told Robyn. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to be. So I asked her what she thought of everything. She said she wasn't at that bridge just yet so she'll worry about it once she gets there...
"Strike a match, pour gasoline,
Ditch the scene and watch the city burn"
Trimming the verge
Thursday. 12.7.06 10:20 pm
I'm on the edge of change.
I think, anyways... I think Robyn and I finally understand each other. We talked last night. And I find it odd that out of all times for her to call she called last night. By "her" I mean Nikki, my ex. She called while I was with Robyn. I don't know why she did. What inspired her. She said listening to Blue October. I didn't answer, but I had text messaged her later after Robyn went home. She said she was sorry for leaving me when I needed someone. I said that she did far more than just that, but I'm sure that she had to do it for whatever reason. I told her that I wasn't going to school anymore and that I may not be around for much longer. She said that wasn't too big of a deal. I said that I felt like I was just losing myself. She said that I was just giving up on myself. I told her that I may be. Her second to last message said "Don't", quickly followed by another text that said, "I'm going to sleep. I'll pray for you." I responded with a simply "you're too late". I don't know what she thought she would accomplish. Nobody ever really seems to fully grasp my life and situations.
In either case, I'm about to tell another person in hopes of some understanding (and who knows? maybe even guidance) in a few minutes. She's on the phone. I left her a note saying to let me know when she has a moment to talk. I'm terrified. I'm ashamed. I feel like just getting in my Jeep, putting all the money I have for gas, drive as far away as possible. Then get out when my Jeep dies. And start walking...
I almost did it a little over a year ago... God didn't let me. I didn't get far... I don't know why He didn't let me. I'm sorry if this is something difficult for some of you to read, but I don't just believe in God, I know He's there. If you don't believe than just humor me and go along with it. It'll help a little to understand me. I would have taken my Jeep had it been working, but I had run over a mail box (another un-normal thing that happened). So I just got up out of my couch and ran out my door. I left my cell phone behind. Nothing but the clothes on my back. I started walking south. I was terribly thirsty after a 3 hours. But I was far more content. I felt like I had gotten everything off of my shoulders. Like I was finally free. So, I decided to stop by Sack N' Save. As I began to walk closer to there I decided not to. I looked too crazy to just waltz on in like nothing. And I knew that there was a risk of bumping into someone. As I began to pass it a truck exited and followed me until it could park in the parking lot next to the Sack N Save to intercept the direction that I was going in. The window rolls down. It was my cousins. I was utterly confused. Shocked. Frightened. I considered turning around and bolting. I decided not to. My cousin Oscar could take me against me will if he had to. He's hardcore. Once, while working on rebuilding a house he cut open his hand and instead of going to the hospital he sterilized a needle and sowed himself up. So I stood there. His wife (my actual cousin) got out and with tears in her eyes came up to me and hugged me as hard as she could and asked me what was wrong or something to that effect. I cried as well. I felt like there was nothing I could do. This was my slave ship taking me back. My warden. They found me. I was so close... So close to freedom. I was to go back and be enslaved to the life I had known and hated. I get home and my mom gives me a huge hug. My cousin Oscar talked to me for a bit. He helped me feel a bit better. He told me things I'd never heard anyone say before, especially coming from a man. Things like how proud he was of me. How he always hoped that his son would be half the man I was. I couldn't help but cry. He didn't freak out at me crying. Later after they left me and my mom talked. All the while I thought my mom had called and sent them to go find me, which would have been crazy enough for them to find me where they found me anyway. But no. After I ran out my mom got on her knees and prayed. My mom and God are far closer than me and Him have probably ever been. My cousins had no idea of anything that was going. My cousin Oscar was supposed to be asleep already because he had to go to work early. They never go to Sack N' Save. They never go grocery shopping at night. Their daughter Ale was the one that saw me. There's a hundred things that normally don't happen that happened that night.
And now here I am.
My mom just called. She's not busy anymore...
Wish me luck or pray. Heck, do both.
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