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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Dream about a woman
Sunday, August 30, 2015
I had a dream that I and a couple other girls were being held by this woman who was planning to kill each of us one by one. We weren't tied up or anything, we were just sitting at a table together, bound by fear, I guess. Or maybe resignation. One side of the table was against the wall, and the two other girls were each on a side next to the wall, while I sat across from the wall. We were in my living room, and the woman was in the opposite end of the room from us, but she would occasionally walk over and check up on us.

When she was at the other end of the room, I turned to the girls next to me and whispered to them that I thought we could overpower her if we worked together. They didn't seem very motivated or interested, but one of them reluctantly agreed. I told her that I would grab the woman from behind and she should hit her on the head with a plate that was on the table. When it came down to it though, the other girls didn't do anything, so I ended up smashing the plate on the woman's head, then I ran to my kitchen and got the longest knife there and went back into the living room. The other girls had disappeared, and the woman was sitting there, not wearing a shirt and facing away from me. I pushed the knife into her back in a few places, and it sunk in with a moderate degree of resistance. She didn't bleed. She just turned her head to look at me and smiled in a sort of bitter, tired way. Then she turned her body around to face me and I held the knife to her throat. She didn't say anything. I stabbed her in the chest then, hoping my aim was good enough to avoid being blocked by any bones. I wanted to stab through her heart and kill her. Throughout all this, she didn't seem to take any of my efforts very seriously.

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Like a frog
Saturday, August 29, 2015
"Aging Spinsters" by The 6ths.

Credit to Trevor for sharing with me. Although I'm guessing he found this via The Magnetic Fields, which I shared with him, so... it evens out?

Marry young, Diana
I don't want to see you old and alone
It's no fun, Diana, I don't want to see you
Rot in the home for aging spinsters

You should find someone
As loyal as a dog
Who will still love you
When you look like a frog

I feel like I think too much about being old. Or if not too much, at least a lot. It seems like it would be nice to grow old with someone. To have a lifetime of shared memories. But then, of course, it would be terrible if one of you died. That seems to be the part I think about most. Even though I very much like the idea of having a lifelong partner, I always seem to imagine them dying before me, and me having to carry on for years alone. It's a really unpleasant thought. It's not the being alone itself that seems bad, assuming I would have friends and/or family. It's the loss of someone I had presumably spent a great deal of time with. I mean, losing Romeo after almost eleven years together was pretty difficult to me, and he was a budgie. A budgie I cared for very deeply, and who was basically my baby, but still. A human connection would likely be deeper, since it would be two-way, so that would probably hurt more, right?

I dunno though. Maybe by that point, they'll have advanced medical technology to the point where you could just upload your brain to a computer or something. That seems pretty unlikely, but hey, you never know. Technology advances quickly these days, after all.

Been going through my screenshot folder lately.



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There goes that [4P]
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Tiredness [DP]
Monday, August 24, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Hatoful Boyfriend
Monday, August 17, 2015
So... Trevor gifted me Hatoful Boyfriend, and I've been playing it the past few days.

On the surface, it's a dating sim where all the characters are birds, except for you, a human female.

But this is honestly probably the most intense game I've ever played, plot-wise. It's crazy. I really thought it was just going to be a silly little game I'd get some laughs out of for an hour or so, not an emotional roller coaster full of mind-blowing twists.

Also, I don't think I can ever see this partridge again without feeling like it's evil:

Seven hours of playing and I still haven't gotten all the endings... man...

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Do you need anybody?
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
I found this article while I was trying to find a comment I've been thinking about.

10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression

It's a pretty simple list, but I think this one in particular has been a disappointment in my life:
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they wonít scare you away because they have an illness.

I can't remember anybody ever telling me they would be able to handle my depression and being true to their word. The people who promised they could take it had good intentions, I'm sure, but they all ended up distancing themselves from me in some way. Although I understand that this is to preserve their own mental health, it's still discouraging. I feel like I have to be careful about how I expose my moods to my friends, because the depression will drive away everyone I have eventually, if I don't keep it under wraps. The fear of losing all the people I care about has increased as of late because of this mood instability I've been dealing with. Right now I feel... okay, though... so I hope I don't get any more intense mood swings.

My friend's birthday party is on Friday, so I'm looking forward to that. I'd like to get her something more than what I already did though, so I should probably shop around. Besides that... I'm hoping I can hang out with people soon. It's been a long time since I've seen my friends. :\

"With a Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles.

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Being interested
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Last night I was in a chatroom and someone posted a link to an article that said this:
If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, itís your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; itís not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it.

I feel like appreciating people was something I was trying to work on, but I've been falling behind with it recently. Other things in my life have gotten in the way. I want to get back on track with it, though. It's an important skill to have, and I know it will enrich my life if I can keep it going.

A different article on that site discussed gratitude and how practicing it can make you happier. My dad said once that one of his friends can find a sincere compliment to give anybody, and that was her talent, and I feel like it's a similar idea. Being able to find something positive about anyone makes you appreciate people more, and people are such a big part of the world that I think if you can do that, the world will seem better.

There are a few things that regularly circulate through my thoughts along these lines. For example, this line from "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger:

But if you're bored then you're boring

It connects back to that first quote I posted up there, I think. It's not the world's job to entertain you, it's nobody's responsibility to make you interested in them. We aren't kings and queens who get to sit around and behead court jesters if we're not amused by their antics. I wonder if the ability to amuse ourselves is disappearing since so many of us now have constant access to the internet, TV, games, and so on. Numbed by a life of excess... (Maybe I should rewatch Le Feu Follet, it seems relevant to this)

It's strange to think about, because I mean, I'm part of it and all. I do get annoyed and frustrated if my internet goes out. I find I don't have the patience for a lot of things I used to like, like reading books. I did read A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich recently, and liked it, but starting a new book seems vaguely unappealing. When I was younger I never felt like that... I used to have stacks of books all over my floor because I get new books and read them and not have anywhere to put them. Reading is something I still value, so maybe I should do it more. It's mostly starting that's hard. I've had Bushido and Notes from the Underground in my bookmarks for awhile though, so I might try to start those. I don't like reading on the computer, but I guess it's still better than nothing. (And hey, it's free)

Well, this entry took a different turn than I was expecting, and I still want to post some pictures from Hawaii at some point. Next entry, I guess.

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Almost escaped
Sunday, August 2, 2015
I'm listening to "High Rise" by Ladytron right now and it kind of feels like breathing in darkness.


It was my friend Trevor's birthday today. He came down to San Jose and we hung out and did a bunch of stuff. We started by doing one of those real life escape the room games. Our group had seven Chinese (I think?) people who all knew each other and the two of us. They had all played before, and it was our first time. We almost made it... but we ran out of time. It was a lot of fun though, and I'd love to do another one sometime. We did get to see the final key, and the staff had put a little piece of tape on it that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY", which I thought was cute.

After that we got Ethiopian food for lunch. It was his first time, but he wants to be more adventurous with food, so I might try to introduce him to some different cuisines. He liked the texture of the injera a lot, to the point where he said he felt like he would eat it if it just happened to be around and he was watching TV or something, haha.

Headed to Villa Montalvo once we'd finished lunch and wandered around a little. We ended up kinda hiking through what I feel could reasonably be called a forest of spiders. There were spiderwebs everywhere-- on the trees, on the ground, dotting the sides of the hill... I mean, we didn't actually see any spiders, but there were so many webs, I really don't think all of them were deserted. It was kind of horrifying,to be honest.

Me: I can't actually see any spiders...
Trevor: Maybe these are just their summer homes. Oh, wait...

Once we were done with that, we went to the Winchester Mystery House and did the full tour of the grounds. It was his first time seeing it, and my... gosh, I don't know, like fourth or fifth time, maybe? I didn't remember a lot of things though, and it had been a long time since I'd done the behind-the-scenes tour, so it was still cool. Anyway, each tour guide makes the experience a little different.

Santana Row is across from the House, so after the tours, we walked over there and got some freezes from Pressed Juicery. They're like... soft serve, but they're vegan and made with fruits and veggies and stuff, nothing else. I got a chocolate one and he got a vanilla one. They basically have the same ingredients (almonds, dates, sea salt, and... something else I forgot. Maybe coconut?) with the exception, which was cacao for mine and vanilla for his. We tried each other's though and I kind of wish I'd gotten a vanilla too, because it was really good. The texture is a little grainier than ice cream, but otherwise, I feel like you'd never know there wasn't dairy in it.

We hung out and chatted for a little while, then I took him back to the Caltrain station. I made a mix CD for him as a birthday present with a song for each letter of "happy birthday", so I hope he likes some of the songs. Usually he likes my music recommendations, but there were a few things on the CD that are a little different than what I usually share with him, so I guess I'll see how it turns out.

All in all it was a pretty good day. Yesterday was good too. I hung out with a different friend and we wandered around Stanford a bit because he's going to be doing a master's program there starting in the fall. I think hanging out with people has helped my mood a lot.

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