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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Gym, therapy, birbs
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 9 hours.

So I did two classes this morning, back to back. I was really contemplating leaving the second one after half an hour, but eh... I decided to stay anyway. Then I went on the Stairmaster for a few minutes (to burn 100 calories, supposedly, but as previously mentioned, I'm highly skeptical of its accuracy) to round it out to two hours.

I had therapy again today for the first time in a few weeks. We talked about awareness and the kind of person I want to be and some of the stuff I've been dealing with. I guess it's not really that I've been dealing with a great number of things, but some of the same old things that have been around are... still around. And it's taking time, but I'm working through them. My therapist did comment that I seemed like I was smiling more genuinely now, which is something I didn't do much when I started going to therapy. I'm at a different place in my life now, I guess. A better place, I'd like to think. At the very least, I'm not getting panic attacks! And I haven't been significantly depressed in a bit of time? Angry, sometimes, which feels unusual to me, but... the gym is sort of helping with that.


So I found this bird Tumblr and basically my life is over, there is nothing but birbs now. Birbs now and forever.

Because birds!

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Up to seven
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total time this week: 7 hours.

Went for Body Blast tonight. Turned out to be Bosu Blast because the instructor for the Body Blast class left the gym and they haven't found a replacement yet. It didn't feel very intense. Ran a mile and walked a mile afterwards, then did Stairmaster and chest press.

When I went to visit a hospice patient this morning, I bought a book, because that patient usually doesn't respond to me, but I'm supposed to stay if the patients are awake. I've been really bad about reading The Discovery of Being by Rollo May, even though it's actually a really interesting subject. This part in it stood out to me:
It is well to remember that the existential movement in psychiatry and psychology arose precisely out of a passion to be not less but more empirical. Binswanger and the others were convinced that the traditional scientific methods not only did not do justice to the data but actually tended to hide rather than reveal what was going on in the patient. The existential analysis movement is a protest against the tendency to see the patient in forms tailored to our own preconceptions or to make him over into the image of our own predilections.
I really need to work on this in my own life. Trying harder to see people as they are, not as they fit into stereotypes or preexisting molds I may have. It's so automatic to make judgements and assumptions, though. I hope increasing my awareness helps.


Something super cute that happened today: When the baby I babysit was eating lunch, I put on "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick and was singing along, and she started copying me. She just got the "didn't I, didn't I, didn't I" part down, but I was really surprised. Maybe I shouldn't have been, though... I had it on repeat and was singing along a LOT, haha. It helps pass the time, that's for sure.

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Biological markers
Monday, January 4, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 5.5 hours.

I did Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance today. Also ran a mile (7:30, same as yesterday) and walked one. The treadmill said I burned 220 calories, but I'm pretty sure that was inaccurate, because I didn't put in my weight or age. Pilates didn't feel like exercise, but Total Dance was fast-paced, so it felt more like exercise than usual. I'm only counting CSI as an actual workout, though.

So I made plans to meet up with a dude on Saturday. We're going to get lunch, I guess. Turns out he's interested in biological markers of attractiveness too! What are the odds? He said he could talk my ear off about it and I hope he does. I don't think I ever took an evolutionary psychology class, but he did, so he knows more than I do (Most of what I learned came from cultural anthropology classes, I think?). It's been awhile since I got to listen to someone talk about something they're passionate about in detail, so that'll be cool if he gets to it. (Though it definitely helps that it's something I'm interested in already)

Also, I got a box from Amazon today in the mail. My dad was like "I didn't know you had Amazon Prime" and I was like "...I don't." And I opened it and...

It made me laugh pretty hard. Turns out Kyle sent me a giant box of Goldfish as a belated Christmas gift. In all honesty this is probably my favorite gift this year. It's going to be murder for my figure though. T_T

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Misattribution of arousal
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Gym today: 2 hours. That makes 10 this week! I did a fairly intense spin class and a fairly not intense class called Body Blast that I think had more to do with strength.


So I saw this guy I thought was pretty cute, which is very unusual these days. I don't think I'm surrounded by unattractive people, but I just feel physically uninterested in the vast majority of people I see.

When I was in high school (and before that), I had a lot of crushes, but they were all appearance-based because I was way too shy to actually talk to anybody I found attractive. I've had almost no crushes since high school, but on the few occasions I have, my reaction to them is... basically the same as in high school. I didn't want to date any of my crushes in high school. I didn't even want to talk to them, usually. Just wanted to look at them from afar.

Now that I am attracted to almost nobody based on appearance alone, I don't have to worry as much, but the old shyness kicks in full force on the rare occasions when it does happen. Case in point: Aforementioned dude. His picture is attractive to me to the point where I want to hide from it. (I don't want to actually talk to him or anything, though)


I was thinking about why this might happen, and my hypothesis right now is that it's related to misattribution of arousal. The basic idea is that when you have an emotion, you feel some sort of physiological arousal, but you depend on the context of the situation to label what your emotion is. Sometimes you get that label wrong. With me and crushes, I think that I'm interpreting that physiological arousal as a fear response instead of an attraction response, so I end up feeling sort of anxious and intimidated.

Ah, the joys of being awkward and shy.

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Welp! I guess it's 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016

So, no gym time yesterday or today. It was only open from 7am-1pm, which wasn't really convenient. (I didn't even get up until after 1 today...)

Two classes planned for tomorrow, though! So I'll still make it to ten hours, hopefully.

I had a pretty chill New Year's Eve. I went to Sean's house and hung out there with School Alex and Sean's friend, Carla. Made mac and cheese to share, but there were only four of us, so... it didn't get finished, haha. It was a nice time though, super laid back. We mostly just hung out and chatted, but we also watched Big Fish. It was Alex and Carla's first time seeing it I think. Sean and I have both watched it more times than we can remember. It's a great movie, though. I ended up staying at Sean's house until like... 3am. Hence not getting up today until the afternoon.

Today was pretty laid back too, I guess. My mom and I went over to Santana Row to return my and my brother's Christmas gifts from my aunt to H&M. Sadly, they couldn't give us a cash refund, so they just gave us merchandise credit. :| I have no interest in shopping at H&M, so it's kind of disappointing, but oh well. I ended up walking over the Free People and getting a couple things there on sale. Finally got that bra cami thingy that I keep trying on every time I go there. XD Also got a new long sleeve shirt! I got a bunch of long sleeve shirts from Old Navy when I was like, 15, and haven't really gotten many more since then, so I'm thinking I might start replacing some of them... Although they haven't worn out yet, so maybe there's no need? I dunno. Nine years is a pretty decent amount of time to have owned shirts from Old Navy, especially considering they were like, $5 or $10 when I got them. I also still have that hoodie from Old Navy that I got when I was in 7th grade... and it still fits me... Yay for not growing much? Maybe? >_>

I might be meeting up with someone this weekend, but we'll see, I guess. No idea what we'd do, or what it would be like. I've gotten a lot more lax about meeting up with people though, I think. Dude seems nice enough, so I'm not too worried.

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Just to record
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Gym hours this week: 8

Rounding down to an hour at the gym today. Did a class called Body Blast that was cardio/strength with no breaks, which was pretty tiring, then ran a mile for good measure. Felt sleepy when I got home though, which was unexpected. I went in the morning and thought the exercise might help wake me up.

Took a nap, went to my shift at the crisis line, came home, sleepy again.


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Tuesday, December 29, 2015
No classes today, because I had to visit a hospice patient in the morning and babysit from 11:30 AM to 6 PM. I still went to the gym for a bit over an hour, but I just ran a mile and change, walked one (with weights) and did the Stairmaster until it said I'd burned 300 calories. I don't trust it to be accurate though, so I figure I probably didn't burn that many... If I believed the machines though, then I'd estimate I burned about 500 calories. Which is... maybe the equivalent of all the snacks I ate today. >_>

In order to get the baby to eat, I eat in front of her sometimes, and they have Goldfish crackers in the cabinet now. Goldfish are like crack to me. >.> If I was given a lifetime supply of them... I'd definitely fear for my weight. And my health. Maybe I would just eat so many that I'd get sick of them, though. If that's even possible...

Today I felt pretty sleepy until I went to the gym in the evening, but overall it was a decent day. The baby being happy was a big factor in that. She even wanted to give me a goodbye kiss when I left!

Gonna try and catch a class at the gym tomorrow morning if I can, but if I'm too tired I guess I might just go and do the machines again. Only three more hours and I'll be at ten again, so I can take it easy if I want, I suppose.

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Monday, December 28, 2015
Three and a half hours at the gym today. Six this week.

Pilates was really easy... I was expecting it to be much more difficult, based on the previous classes, so I was kind of disappointed. CSI was alright, though. The dance class after that was much faster paced than I was expecting, so it was kind of hard. Also walked a little under two miles in the ~30 minutes between Pilates and CSI. I keep wondering if I should try running instead of just walking at an incline, but I don't want to risk getting too tired right before a class... Hrm... Maybe I could try running for the first half of the time and walking the second?


I've been talking to someone new, and I think he started flirting with me and I feel kind of awkward about it. I like talking to him, but I wonder if he only wants to talk to me because he wants something more than friendship... :\

The uncertainty of social interactions is very anxiety-inducing and I wish it didn't feel like such a big deal.

That seems like a weak way to think about it...

I wish it was different.
I need to make it different.
I should make it different.
I will make it different.

We'll go with that last statement.

Until I figure out how to keep the internal feelings and thoughts from being generated in the first place, at least I can try to express things as if I'm not having all these doubts and worries. Fake it till you make it, you know. Or well, emulate the behavior you aspire to until it becomes second nature, I suppose. That's a bit more of a mouthful, though.

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