Wednesday. 12.20.06 1:01 am
Sometimes I want hug her, hold her, kiss her, tell her I love her...
...other times I just want to strangle her to death. Literally.
She drives me insane. Kryptonite, if you will. I don't react the same with everyone else. I bend nearly every rule in my book for her. Don't know why. Some say "DUH! YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER!" and frankly I have to disagree. I've been in love. I know what that looks like. This isn't it. I'm not even "in lust" with her, I believe. If anything, I'm probably "in passion" with her. We have no in betweens when we're together. We either want to desperately love each other or destroy each other. Though, I know I'd win. Unfortunately, if I won I'd ultimately wind up losing. This is why I want to ditch the scene and watch the city burn, among many MANY other reasons.
I don't know. All I know is that I feel like living for once. And I can't do it with others any more. I realized sometime today (I think. I don't know. I've been sick. Time blurs together.) that all this time I've been waiting. I've been waiting for someone. Someone to be my friend. My partner. My guide. My own. Just someone. I can't wait anymore. I've wasted all this time waiting for someone that isn't coming. It was stupid. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm going out on this on my own. Love is something on that is no longer my concern. Not the love for another, but romantic love. That wretched vile thing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life, but I'm certain I will do without it.
I don't care anymore. I don't care if people think I'll be living a midiocre life. Or that I'm not up to my "potential". I want nothing to do with all these earthly treasures. They reek of human blood. Blood spilt for my comfort. F**K THAT! I'll find my own way. My own path. she used to say that... "If you don't like any of the paths set before you, then make your own..."
It's the always the hardest way, but that's where the battles come in. And you can't ever be a hero without battles, can you?
I really can never get her out of my head, can I?
Eh, oh well. Let's journey on, oh destined soldier.
Friday. 12.15.06 12:44 am
So I may not be on here for a bit.
Tomorrow morning I may or may not be going to Piedras Negras, Mexico with a few members from my church. We're going to drop off an crapload of stuff at this orphanage. It's all sad sad story stuff. You know, guy starts orphanage in poor place, they live off donations, kids just being left at the door step all the time, guy who started it gets cancer, guy might die, you know, usual sad and bad. I've gotten SO MUCH from so many people. I've filled my Jeep twice. It's awesome. But I don't know. I'm having mixed feelings right now...
I had helped my younger cousin with her homework earlier today and then I went to work. After work I picked up her workbook to check her answers since she has a test over that stuff tomorrow. Most of her answers were wrong. But it was too late. She was already asleep by the time I got the book back to her. She'll probably fail this quiz.
It was then that I got my urge again. I screamed profanities in my Jeep as I drove to her house knowing full well that it was just too late. I began to flashback again...
"You can't fix the whole world, Aldo" she said as she held me.
I didn't care back then. And I felt that feeling again of not caring. Maybe I couldn't but I would sure as hell try!
God, I hate it. She still haunts me. I'm composed as far as everyone knows or thinks. But then I get to these moments and she's there. The moments that are the most important. The moments I try to find my passion, my love, my heart. maybe it's because she's there. I can't find those things without her. I still love her and probably always will. I just wish I could have my passion and love back without her. I guess when I gave her my heart I kept none of it for me...
So wish me well on this trip. I may be without heart and half dead at times but this will not stop me. I will NOT be held down dammit! I will fight!
"Victory through inner strength, persistence, and love!"
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